An escaped Peacock caused chaos at the artisan market this morning. The colourful bird prevented shoppers from going near the cake stall by trying to agressively peck at the eyes of anyone who came too close to the bakewell tarts.

It was lovely to see the Bearwood Military taking part in training exercises this morning during the Artisan Market at Warley Woods. The stickwork was tight and the hankerchief deployment was technically excellent.

Self-styled 'King of The Mid Lands' Richard Parker has called on Prime Minister Andy Burnham to create a further regional government office based in south Birmingham. The Mayor has already earmarked a potential location above Big John's in Northfield that he feels would be ideal for this.

Widespread concern has been sparked due to the sudden, unexplained, appearance of several new 'Keep Your Distance' stickers along the pavement in Bearwood Road. To reassure everyone, 𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞 there isn't a new pandemic scheduled!

In exciting news, according to the display in the new 'Day and Night Shop' in Bearwood they will be stocking 'REVERSE CRISPS'. These much-in-demand snacks (which are procured from an alternative interdimentional wormhole) have the benefit of helping you to lose weight, the more you eat them.

The recent decline in the number of public toilets is a real problem for those caught short. Thats why we are excited to launch a new innovative 'Toilet on Demand' service.

We are aware there is a highly publicised by-election happening in a place called Clacton, but could we please remind any Reform voters that bins are not your enemy, and any violence towards bins in Bearwood will be punished in our usual swift and brutal manner.

As a show of goodwill to neighbouring Birmingham City Council, we have presented them with the gift of a huge wooden bear (pictured here outside Birmingham Town Hall).

New Council Service Offer. Would you like the thrill of having your milk stolen by a person in a state of undress? Subscribe to our new council 'Semi-clad Milk-Snatcher' service.

This mysterious graffiti, which has appeared in Bearwood, was initially thought to be the work of the street artist Banksy, but on a closer look, it seems to be a gang sign by the nefarious 'Cock and Balls Boys'.

A cursed Gnome has mysteriously appeared on Milcote Road. Whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE IT HOME. The gnome's unwavering judgemental stare willl cause loss of confidence and possibly eventual madness. We've dispatched our council gnome dispatching squad to destroy it.

Our Font Boffins have just created a new font based on the iconic 'Who Put Bella in the Witch Elm' graffiti on Wychbury Obelisk near Hagley. You can download the font here: drive.google.com/drive/folder...

Be careful out there! It's so hot today that a clock has reportedly melted at a tabletop sale on Three Shires Oak Road. If you DO have to leave your house, please make sure you are escorted by one of our council-supplied Fan-bearers.

The evidence is mounting....

In Bearwood, we believe in reintroducing danger and risk into Children's play. That's why we've redesigned the playground in Lightwoods Park to incorporate sharp edges, an unsecured climbing frame, random holes and a dynamic 'climbing pile'.

This monument has been erected in Lightwoods Park to commemorate the decline of the once-thriving Bearwood fishing industry. Though located inland, the productive fishing grounds of the Birmingham Canal were located nearby, providing a dependable fish harvest.

In a recent viral thought experiment, women were asked whether they would prefer to take their chances at The Green Man (Harborne) or The Bear Tavern. Most of them chose The Bear.

Just so you are aware, there is currently a beach volleyball tournament taking place, so a section of the Edgbaston Reservoir Beach will be inaccessible for sunbathing today.

Due to popular demand we've produced this handy guide. You can all stop asking us this now.

You may have already seen Backrooms, but did you know that the original inspiration for the film came from an accidental visit that the director made to Bearwood Cash & Carry in 2024?

As well as being assigned a League Team (or in some cases, a National League Team), each resident will also be allocated an optional second team from the lower leagues (levels 6-9 on the football pyramid) to also lend their support.

West Midlands Mayor Richard Parker has announced a bold new sports strategy for the West Midlands. As part of the plan, each resident will be reassigned a new football team to support based on which club is located closest to their current address.

A mild moral panic was sparked in Bearwood earlier today, as a giant unidentified phallic object (UPO) made of balloons was seen making its way along Three Shires Oak Road.

Recently we've been experimenting with teaching the bears in Warley Woods to play 5-a side football. The bears seem to enjoy it, and have already formed their own league (featuring only two teams). The crows have rather predictably formed a gambling ring to wager food scraps an the results.

Yesterday saw the end of an era as the much cherished Bob Shop on Bearwood High Street has been officially renamed to 'Bearwood Express'. The change is thought to be an effort to distance the shop from the bad reputation that other Bob Shops have gained as a result of several recent police raids.

That's why we encourage residents to take part in wildlife recording. To help people recognise the creatures they see, our experts have put together this useful and comprehensive ID guide! You can find the guides attached to various lamp posts along Thimblemill Road.

In their answers you can read about the secrets they know of the sea, their favourite fictional bear and the stampeding ska, heavy dub vibes and punk energy that they plan to unleash in Bearwood!

Lobster are a fun ska-punk band hailing from Birmingham. Like lobsters they have long bodies with muscular tails and live in crevices or burrows on the sea floor. Ok that bit might not be true, but we did have the opportunity to interview them ahead of their appearance at the Bearwood Shuffle!

You can also play Michael Bearymore's interactive BearBoozler quiz! This new service (which will replace the internet) will provide completely unbiased information direct from (and sanctioned by) Bearwood Council.

We would like to announce the launch of a cutting edge 'teletext' information service which will see Bearwood (and controlled territories) residents being able to receive current affairs, entertainment and sports news through their TVs!