Scott Clevenger
@scottclevenger
Author. Co-host of The Slumgullion podcast. Hypocritical screenwriter. I write mean but funny movie reviews at Better Living Through Bad Movies:
HIM: Come Margo we must solve the mystery! HER: But you're dead. HIM: I was the greatest detective who ever lived and now that I'm dead I'm going for THAT record too! HER: OK but I'm not "Margo", I'm a cardboard cutout advertising the Breakfast Buffet. Short stack with choice of meat, only 99 cents!
Considering the size of the diaper bag she carries everywhere, I just assumed Natalie Harp was Trump's Nappy Nurse, but right wingers are acting like Ossoff accused her of being his White Bread Banana Maid.
HIM: Oops. HER: (OFF SCREEN) What's that, hon? HIM: Uh, nothing. Try the other switch. (WHIRRRRR!) HER: (O.S.) That's got it! Okay, so the TOP switch controls the garbage disposal... HIM: We should probably label that.
R.I.P. Frank Beard. 77 actually seems like the perfect age for a ZZ Top member to die.
Bobby's mom was pleased that he was getting so much enjoyment out of his birthday present. Until she walked into his room one stormy night and realized Bobby was putting his Thingmaker® to uses Mattel had never intended.
HER: Ugh, it's my ex, Fleep. Don't make eye contact or we'll be stuck here for an hour hearing all about the latest addition to his goddamn porcelain bell collection.
LAWMAN: Hold it, Renaldo. I'm takin' you in. BANDIT: You have me confused with someone else, Señor. LAWMAN: I see ya grew a beard to hide that scar on the Wanted poster. Hmmm...Turn around. Yep. Jus' like I figured. Ain't no whiskers in the world can hide the sweetest ass west of the Pecos.
In This Thrilling Issue: Magnus punches a Roomba to death, then gets shot in the ass by a ghost.
DOCTOR: Nurse, bring me the gauze and the mercurochrome, please. NURSE: I can’t, Doctor, I’m afraid someone just shot me between the eyes. DOCTOR: (sighs) Fine. I'll get it myself. I have to do everything around here...!
I dunno. This looks less like dessert, and more like a coven of legumes performing some Lovecraftian ritual to endow Mr. Peanut with unholy life. Also arms, legs, and a monocle.
After her "Oops! All Hemingway Puns!" routine failed to wow audiences, Zatanna abandoned her dream of a standup career and reluctantly returned to the Justice League.
BOY: Mom, can't I take this thing off yet? It's really heavy... MOTHER: Not until we're safely on the plane, Timmy. Without the air filters in that helmet, you might smell a poor person.
HIM: Say, Nurse, when are you gonna give me a tumble? HER: I work in Ward L, Doctor. HIM: Well, what’re you doing after work? HER: No, you don’t get it. Ward L. L? The “L Word”? Oh never mind…!
HER: HA! Now you all have WIFFLE balls! AH-HAHAHAH! From the 1974 Canadian classic, HELGA, SHE-WIFFLER OF THE S.S.!
This photo raises many disturbing questions, but I guess the one that troubles me most is, which one of these dishes threw up the other?
DOC SAVAGE: Hurry, Helen! We must stop the Dagger in the Sky! HER: I’ll pass. DOC: But the world is at stake! Don’t lose heart now! HER: I didn’t lost heart, you lost your pants. DOC: Well…it’s hot. HER: I’m not foiling any plans for world conquest with a man wearing Keds and an adult diaper.
BETTY CROCKER: Who bakes CAKE CASSEROLES? CAKE ASSERHOLES! DIRECTOR: Cut! Are you drunk? BETTY: NO! "I guarantee a PERFECT cake every time you bake. cake...after cake...after cake!" Think they realize I'm Satan in disguise and they'll be baking cakes in HELL for ETERNITY?? DIRECTOR: Cuuut!
Me rolling up to the Senate for my confirmation hearing to replace Jeanine Pirro as U.S. Attorney for D.C.
It was perhaps the most challenging of all Triathlons, requiring competitors to swim 2.4 miles, then bike 112 miles, then play the drum solo from Led Zeppelin's "Moby Dick" using their intact hymen as a percussion instrument.
ULTRAMAN: No! It's...It's the, uh... (WHISPERS) help me out here MONSTER: I'm the Sinister Golf Ball-Encrusted Trash Panda! ULTRAMAN: Seriously? MONSTER: Look, dude, I dunno what to tell ya, your regular guy didn't show, I'm just a temp. Hey that reminds me, can you sign my timesheet?
EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT WEEKLY WORLD NEWS! NEW EVIDENCE PROVES THE GREEK GODS EXIST! "Zeus shot off my penis!" Complains Athens, GA Man. Adds, "It's THIS kinda thing that's making Americans turn away from religion!"
"There! Touch me there, Ted! YES! Gently caress my artificial hip--!" "Honey--" "Don't break the mood! Why aren't you aroused?" "Well this isn't really--" "You SAID you wanted forbidden thrills and a 'different' love--NOW FINGER MY TITANIUM BALL JOINT!"
I think it's fair to say that in MAZES AND MONSTERS (1982) Tom Hanks had not yet found his instrument. But the cop played by Murray Hamilton (the Mayor from JAWS) is hilarious, lecturing a sweater-vested, D&D-playing nerd with the fast-talking contempt of Joe Friday tongue-lashing a hippie on acid.📽️