Kristi Yamaguccimane
@wapplehouse
America’s stepdad
Wish me luck, chat. Just placed my life savings on Kalshi that I’ll get explosive diarrhea.
Buying out my local supply of Ivermectin to resell on eBay to conservative Taco Bell lovers
Me, when the ER doc asks how many Apple TV remotes are in my ass:
When you’re a Daddy at the gay club with a pocket full of poppers:
“the voice of Willy Wonka is that of Gene Wilder, recreated by GenAI”
Elton John if he was from Arrakis voice: 🎵Bene(bene), Bene(bene), Bene(bene), Bene Gesserrrrrrittttt🎵
This man is asking if I can please refrain from shitting my pants at his concert? Noah Kahan not.
Got the day off so I’m workin on the boat all day to take these hoes out partyin tomorrow. If you are a hoe(of any gender) you are invited.
When your Aunt Linda goes live on Facebook and demands to speak to the manager after being denied entry to Toy Story 5 for being racist to the Hispanic girl making her popcorn:
Don’t even need to tell you what the girl driving this car looked like. Everyone’ll instantly picture the 38yo woman they went to high school with that makes a new FB profile every time she gets banned for threatening her ex’s new girlfriend and does veneers out of her apartment.
Ya ever think about how close ‘Kirk Douglas’ sounds to ‘Quirk Chungus’ then want to kill yourself because you can’t shut your brain off? Just me? Ok
Pack of about to expire Italian sausages, about 6 diced mushrooms, some basil, onion powder, salt pepper and some white wine. This is approximately $3.47 worth of food. Y’all gotta start buying discounted meat and learn how to cook on the fly.
Me, meeting that supposedly German World Cup Fan account named Freddy that’s clearly a psyop:
FYI: If you’re in the market for a cooler and need a helpful guide to visualize the size you need a good site is American Mortuary Coolers. They can help you determine your needs whether it’s a picnic or multiple dead bodies.
Happy Father’s Day everyone. Got the old man a Yucca Cane, belt buckle and a huge bag of shelled pistachios and a big tub of cashews and he got me some banana moonshine that was good as hell.