dave wagner

@davewagner

two things make me happy and two things only: turgid, unworkable political theory and surly cats всё идёт по плану

3.489 Folgt32.387 Follower8.953 Posts

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dave wagner@davewagner· 5d

look at this face and tell her she does not deserve the right to vote and determine the future of our lives and those of our families

a gray cat looks at the camera with yearning. perhaps for suffrage? she is laying down on a rug.

dave wagner@davewagner· 8d

i have the best news, everyone. Chancleta has won every single election tonight, with approximately 99.8% of the vote. it gets better: you all did such a great job for him that he's decided any more elections in the future would only be pale imitations. so we're not going to have those anymore!

an orange and white cat sits proudly on a blue rug

dave wagner@davewagner· 11d

he has joined your Zoom meeting 20 minutes late, just as its wrapping up, and wants to revise the agenda you sent out 5 hours ago

an orange and white cat with yellow eyes looks like an utter blank slate

dave wagner@davewagner· 12d

what do you think, should i pick up this cat

a gray cat looks somewhat aggressive, as if picking her up would be a poor plan

dave wagner@davewagner· 15d

why does he look like a traumatized Victorian child asking if winter will ever end

an orange and white cat looks troubled and disturbed. literally nothing is happening

dave wagner@davewagner· 18d

behold! it is your lucky day. you may make three wishes of this woodland gremlin spirit. you may ask for anything, provided you accept that each wish will be interpreted in the least charitable way possible and transformed into a catastrophic ironic punishment

a gray cat is lounging and looks unnervingly chaotic

dave wagner@davewagner· 22d

the enormous pupils of chancleta see a million galaxies collapse and implode at once, all while he hears the weeping despair of a dead and forgotten idiot god who birthed them

an orange and white cat looks high as hell. his pupils are enormous. he is reaching out toward the camera. he gonna scratch you probably

dave wagner@davewagner· 25d

i feel like "arrested for rape and human-trafficking charges" might be kind of important for readers but idk

AP headline says "social media influencers andrew and tristan tate arrested in miami"

dave wagner@davewagner· 27d

there's only one orange guy who actually had the 2020 election stolen from him and we all know who it is

an orange and white cat is standing and looks ready to serve his nation

dave wagner@davewagner· Jul 13

i've been outsmarted again, there's definitely no way to go on my trip now. how can i go if he has my bag? it's impossible.

an orange and white cat is curled up on a backpack, gripping it for dear life

dave wagner@davewagner· Jul 11

he wants THINGS

an orange and white cat looks very intense and pleading

dave wagner@davewagner· Jul 10

Chancleta has seen how you live your life. he has concerns.

an orange and white cat is laying down but is quite alert. he appears to be alarmed

dave wagner@davewagner· Jul 9

bathtub detective is on the case. gonna finally find out what goes on in there.

a gray cat is investigating a white bathtub. there is a plaid shower curtain.

dave wagner@davewagner· Jul 4

the older your cat is, the more you need to hype them up when they enter the room. gasp like you've seen David Tennant at a Costco in Victorville. ask, “who’s this handsome king??” as if you genuinely do not know. blast “Crazy in Love” from your phone. whatever it takes.

an orange and white cat looks proud and is sitting on a blue rug, like he's been properly hyped up

dave wagner@davewagner· Jul 4

Microsoft's clippy, saying "it looks like you're despairing about the future of the American experiment. Can I help?"

dave wagner@davewagner· Jul 3

she does not aura farm. on the contrary, the aura gathers around her voluntarily and dutifully, out of respect.

a gray cat is very clearly posing in her basket to look cool. there's a window next to her. she's on a wood floor (it's not actually wood, it's laminate, but don't worry about that)

dave wagner@davewagner· Jul 2

An orange and white cat is making a stoic face

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 30

this is the face Sandal makes when people say the Supreme Court term "could have been worse."

an orange and white cat looks most displeased. this is a very close photo. almost going up his cat nose. his discontent is almost tangible

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 28

Chancleta demands a baby wombat best friend. it is up to you to get one for him. if you don't, you, personally, will make him sad (i'll tell him it's your fault that there's no baby wombat and he will believe me).

an orange cat looks at the camera with Disney eyes.

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 27

on his way to the battlefield, where he will immediately and without explanation start setting fire to his own side's ships

an orange and white cat looks somewhat ornery laying on a blue couch

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 26

you want shoes? Freya has shoes. shoes for you! she has all the shoes you need, and then some. where's she getting all these shoes? don't worry about that. the important part is: 1) there are shoes; 2) freya has the shoes; and 3) the shoes could become yours, through her actions.

a gray cat is laying on top of shoes. she is a cat of many colors. some of them are puzzling. like, how does she have so many colors?

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 26

this is the guy on your zoom call who refuses to mute himself and causes your entire meeting to be dominated by astonishingly loud gps directions to the St. Louis airport

an orange and white cat is on a chair. He looks innocent, naive. Perhaps foolish?

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 24

welcome to the UnderCouch. the UnderCouch is not a part of your home. it is sovereign territory. there are no laws here.

a gray cat is under the couch. she looks like she's planning something.

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 21

freya: "sir, are you aware that you have planted your large orange body in my basket?" sandal: "i am aware that i have planted my large orange body in a basket." freya: "is this usually where you sleep?" sandal: "...the american people are tired of these distractions."

a gray cat observes a large orange cat in a basket with some concern

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 21

an orange and white cat looks confused, probably wondering where his kids are

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 20

the cat carrier is an infamous symbol of oppression. reclaiming it can be an act of resistance

a gray cat is in her cat carrier, looking intense

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 13

she got tired of waiting and took his name off the building her own damn self

a gray cat is standing with her claws stuck in a shirt. like most cats, she does not know how to retract them consistently.

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 12

me: "i'll review those documents and get right back to you." the documents in question:

an orange and white cat is sitting directly on top of papers on top of a desk

dave wagner@davewagner· Jun 6

shamed her cat ancestors by chasing a bug for twenty minutes but then refusing to kill and eat it. seemed unnecessary and, frankly, unappealing in a culinary landscape in which crunchies and fishpaste are plentiful.

a gray cat is in a cat bed rolling about. afflicted by Kitty Madness most likely

dave wagner@davewagner· May 30

he has heard your slanderous words about orange cats. he knows you think orange cats are "silly" or "unserious." he knows you underestimate him. and as soon as he stops chasing ghosts that he is sure are on the ceiling, he intends to do something about it.