Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)

@actually-autistic

Autistic Advocate Writer AI = Autistic Intelligence #Autistic #Neurodivergent #ADHD

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Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· 4d

What happens when you’re autistic and every mental-health infographic you scroll past seems to describe you? Autism doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Autistic individuals can also experience anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, ADHD, trauma, depression, and other conditions. 1/8

Infographic titled “It’s Not Either/Or.” A central silhouette labeled “Autism,” with a rainbow infinity symbol, is surrounded by overlapping circles representing anxiety, ADHD, OCD, depression, PTSD/trauma, and other possible conditions. Each circle lists examples of related traits or symptoms, illustrating how co-occurring conditions can overlap, interact, and influence one another. Text emphasizes that more than one condition may be at play and that understanding the whole person means looking at the whole picture. @actually-autistic.bsky.social

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· 10d

A surprising number of neurodivergent adults have lived in a near-constant state of low-grade existential overwhelm since childhood without ever realising that other people do not experience life this way.

Screenshot of an X post by @Gabbrielxzn shared by Life in an Autism World. The post reads: A surprising number of neurodivergent adults have lived in a near-constant state of low-grade existential overwhelm since childhood without ever realising that other people do not experience life this way.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· 10d

I've written before about the gut-brain connection, particularly in relation to autism. This article caught my attention because it reflects the growing evidence that the gut and brain are far more interconnected than we once understood.

The gut-brain axis is a major area of interest in the medical community, but to date, there hasn't been a clearly defined mathematical model that captures how this communication loop functions quantitatively. Our work represents one of the first systematic approaches to building a digital twin that allows researchers to simulate that behavior.

Mayuresh Kothare, co-author, R. L. McCann Professor of Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering and associate dean for research in Lehigh's P.C. Rossin College of Engineering and Applied Science

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· 16d

Writing is hope without certainty. We can spend years on a screenplay or novel and still never know whether it will find its audience. That uncertainty is one of the hardest parts of a creative life.

A warm, cinematic still life shows a cream-colored screenplay resting on a dark wooden desk beside a simple mug of black coffee. The mood is quiet, reflective, and inviting.

On the left, screenplay-style text reads:

“FADE IN:

Writing is hope without certainty.

We can spend years on a screenplay or novel and still never know whether it will find its audience.

That uncertainty is one of the hardest parts of a creative life.

FADE OUT.”

On the right, the screenplay cover reads *Beyond Shadows*, written by Patricia MacDowell, with the word “SCREENPLAY” beneath the title and a delicate dragonfly illustration in the lower-right corner, suggesting it is about to lift off the page.

The image evokes the perseverance, solitude, and hope that accompany the writing life.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· 19d

A teal gradient background with white text comparing Autism, ADHD, and AuDHD.

Autism: "I need to understand why the rule exists."

ADHD: "I need the rule to make immediate sense or I'm ignoring it."

AuDHD: "Explain the rule, make it logical, keep it brief, and don't be surprised when I've already found the loophole."

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Jul 12

Alt text: A minimalist black graphic with centered white text comparing communication styles associated with autism, ADHD, and AuDHD. It reads: "Autism: I rehearse the whole conversation. ADHD: I wing the whole conversation. AuDHD: I rehearsed it, winged it, overexplained, and remembered the perfect response 6 hours later." The graphic uses a simple black background and clean white text to present a humorous comparison of different conversational experiences.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Jun 10

The brain kept saying: "Push harder." The body kept saying: "I just want you to be okay." ❤️ #Autism #AutisticBurnout

Illustration of a worried cartoon heart holding a sign that reads, “I just want you to be okay.” The heart represents compassion, care, and the part of us that wants wellbeing rather than constant pressure, productivity, or self-criticism.

Illustration of a woman operating a control room labeled “Brain,” pushing herself to keep going despite mounting pressure and demands. Below, she appears exhausted in an engine room labeled “Body,” pulling emergency brake levers marked fatigue, panic, shutdown, overwhelm, and burnout. A small heart holds a sign reading, “I just want you to be okay.” The image is a visual metaphor for burnout, anxiety, and autistic overwhelm, suggesting that symptoms often seen as failures may actually be the body’s attempt to protect itself from excessive strain.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Jun 10

Waiting for a doctor's appointment far from home. This is what the drive felt like. Every "what if" demanded my attention. The hardest road was the one straight ahead.

Illustration of a driver (me) surrounded by countless highway exits labeled with anxious "what if" thoughts. The only straight road ahead is labeled "Just Keep Driving." A visual metaphor for anxiety and overthinking, where every possible worry competes for attention while the challenge is staying focused on the road directly in front of you.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· May 18

✨Autistic Glimmers✨

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Apr 27

The autistic system is pulled in two directions: towards recognition and away from it. -- Visibility = unpredictability Unpredictability = loss of control Loss of control = overload

A person stands at the edge of a narrow wooden suspension bridge stretching across a deep canyon at sunset. Warm golden light fills the sky. To the left, a weathered signpost points forward with the words “Recognition,” “Success,” “Validation,” and “Being Seen.” The figure faces the bridge but has not stepped onto it. On the wooden planks ahead, the words “Push,” “Perform,” and “Prove” are faintly embedded into the path. In the distance, the bridge leads toward an open landscape with a single tree. The scene captures a moment of pause before stepping into something demanding and uncertain. At the bottom, the handle @actually-autistic.bsky.social appears.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Apr 26

Meltdowns are not a choice. They are a sign that the body and mind are overwhelmed.

Infographic titled “Signs of Autistic Meltdown.” At the center is an illustration of an adult sitting with their head in their hand, appearing overwhelmed. Surrounding them are labeled sections describing common signs: sensory overload (sounds, lights, textures, or smells feel intense), mental overload (the mind feels too full to process), difficulty expressing (words feel stuck), rising anxiety (stress builds quickly), loss of coping skills (usual strategies stop working), emotional exhaustion (feeling drained and unable to recover), physical signs (such as tension, headaches, or shaking), and a strong need to escape. At the bottom, the text reads: “Meltdowns are not a choice. They are a sign that the body and mind are overwhelmed,” followed by the handle @actually-autistic.bsky.social.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Apr 25

Autism isn’t one experience. 👉 This includes: 🔸 how it feels 🔸 how it’s processed 🔸 how it shows up

Infographic explaining that autism is not a single scale from “mild” to “severe,” but a combination of different traits. The top contrasts a single spectrum line with the idea that autism is many traits working together in different ways. Below are sliders showing traits from low to high: sensory sensitivity, social processing, need for routine and predictability, communication style, focus or special interests, energy or stamina, and anxiety or stress response. Each trait includes a short explanation. The image concludes that different people have different combinations of these traits and are equally autistic.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Apr 23

Late diagnosis. A different way of understanding.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Apr 11

“Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria” RSD is most commonly linked to ADHD, but- It also shows up in autistic individuals, often for slightly different reasons

Purple graphic with the title “Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria” at the top.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Shutting down mid-conversation

Overexplaining or justifying yourself

Withdrawing from people or opportunities

Getting defensive before anything’s said

Ruminating for days after feedback

Avoiding texts, emails, or interactions

Apologizing for your needs

Rehearsing everything before you speak

@essyknopf

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Mar 20

Repetition Can Look the Same but Mean Different Things.

Alt text:
Infographic titled “OCD vs Autistic Repetition vs Rumination” explaining that similar repetitive behaviors can have different underlying functions. Three columns compare:

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Loops): driven by anxiety relief, involving intrusive thoughts and compulsions that temporarily reduce distress; feels urgent and hard to dismiss.

Autistic Repetition (Regulatory Loops) driven by regulation, predictability, and sensory organization; repetition can feel stabilizing and increase calm or control, not always distress-based.
Rumination (Cognitive Loops): driven by trying to make sense of things or solve problems; involves replaying conversations or overthinking, often linked to anxiety or depression.

The graphic emphasizes that the key difference is not the behavior itself but its function: reducing anxiety (OCD), creating stability (autistic regulation), or trying to solve something (rumination).

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Mar 20

Seeing Autism Differently Autism is a different way of experiencing the world.

Alt text:
Split infographic comparing misconceptions about autism with accurate understanding.

Left side titled “Autism is NOT…” lists myths such as lack of empathy, only occurring in childhood, a personality defect, something to be cured, caused by poor parenting, a uniform set of traits, purely a communication disorder, or always visible.

Right side titled “Autism IS…” presents it as a neurodevelopmental difference, highlighting traits like intense and focused interests, sensory sensitivities, different communication styles, need for routine, diverse presentations across a spectrum, unique strengths, deep and pattern-based thinking, self-regulation methods like stimming, and hyperfocus.

A brain illustration divides the two sides, symbolizing contrast between myths and reality.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Mar 20

With anticipatory grief in autism, it often isn’t just “worrying about the future.” It’s more like our mind goes there fully.

An illustrated infographic about autistic anticipatory grief, set against a background showing a person looking up at a starry sky filled with constellations, neural networks, and figures, while flowers grow at their feet. On the left side, there is white text with accompanying icons inside a glowing blue border.
The top headline reads: "The reality of Autistic anticipatory grief:"
Below the headline are five bullet points with icons:
* A cloud and clock icon: "The sadness arrives before the event."
* Three person icons: "Feeling the loss of someone still in the room."
* A hand holding a ring icon: "Mourning things that haven’t been taken."
* A broken heart and heart icon: "The ‘pre-grief’ feels just as final as the real thing."
* A shield and waves icon: "Itw is a constant state of emotional bracing."

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Feb 11

A person sits on a ledge overlooking a city at dusk, with blurred city lights below and a darkening sky above. Overlaid text reads, “Sometimes, the things that make us different are the things that make us strong.”

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Jan 2

Research across psychiatry and neuroscience increasingly points to the gut–brain axis as part of mood and regulation, in condition-specific ways.

Diagram showing two-way communication between the gut and the brain via the vagus nerve. The image illustrates gut microbiota in the intestinal lining influencing neurotransmitter precursors such as tryptophan and serotonin pathways, with signals traveling between the gut, brainstem nuclei, and brain, highlighting integrated gut, nervous system, and brain regulation.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Dec 31

This is a pattern commonly reported by late-diagnosed autistic adults, particularly women.

Unstructured obligation late-diagnosed autism the "I can't owe anyone" feeling has a name. It's not about money. It's not about intent. It's about unstructured obligation

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Oct 18

Alt text:
Infographic titled “Autistic Shutdown May Look Like.” The background is soft pastel colors with nine cartoon illustrations showing different signs of an autistic shutdown:

1. A person with dark hair in a bun holds their hands over their mouth, eyes wide. Text below: “Losing ability to speak or respond.”
2. A person sits on the floor with knees pulled to their chest and head resting on their arms. Text below: “Needing to be completely alone.”
3. A person holds both hands to their head with yellow lines near their ears. Text below: “Feeling numb, frozen, or spaced out.”
4. A person turns their head away, avoiding eye contact. Text below: “Avoiding eye contact or interaction.”
5. A blue speech bubble with three dots. Text below: “Going non-speaking to prevent a meltdown.”
6. A person with black hair in pigtails looks distressed, eyes closed. Text below: “Struggling to process words or sounds.”
7. A yellow neutral-face emoji. Text below: “Muted or flat facial expressions.”
8. A person stands stiffly with shaking lines near their body. Text below: “Unable to move or complete tasks.”
9. A person sits slumped on the floor with their head down beside a bowl and water bottle. Text below: “Extreme mental and physical fatigue.”

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Sep 9

Many late-diagnosed autistic individuals carry a quiet insecurity shaped by what might have been if they had known earlier: better support, different choices, less self-doubt. That insecurity runs deep, and it comes from more than just low self-esteem. Here are some of the ways it takes root…

Always Feeling “Too Much” or “Not Enough”

Without a diagnosis, differences in communication, sensory needs, or energy get read as flaws or personal failings.

You end up second-guessing everything: Did I say too much? Did I react wrong? Am I being weird?

Masking Without Knowing

You learn to hide the parts of yourself that draw criticism — stimming, blunt honesty, intense focus — but you don’t understand why you’re doing it.

This creates a deep insecurity because your “real” self feels risky, and your “masked” self feels fake.

Social Guesswork

Growing up undiagnosed often means constantly analyzing others, trying to piece together “the rules.”

When you inevitably misstep, you feel broken, not just awkward. That breeds a lifelong insecurity around belonging.

Internalized Blame

Teachers, peers, even family may label you as lazy, dramatic, shy, or difficult. Without autism as an explanation, you internalize those labels.

The insecurity lingers into adulthood, even after diagnosis, because those early messages run deep.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Sep 2

🌿 Kind reminder: What I share is based on a mix of lived experience and ongoing research — offering insight into how autism can uniquely affect the gut, brain, and nervous system.

A social media post with light formatting and pastel emojis that introduces a kind reminder about autism and the gut-brain connection. The text reads:

🌿 Kind reminder:
What I share here often comes from a mix of lived experience and ongoing research.
Autism often brings unique patterns in how the gut, brain, and nervous system interact.

🧠 Many autistic people experience ongoing digestive issues — not just discomfort, but a system-level disruption that affects mood, energy, and regulation.
🧬 Studies point to distinct differences in gut microbiota, including which bacteria are present and how they function.
🔭 Some research also highlights differences in how serotonin and tryptophan are processed — both deeply connected to mood and digestion.
🌟 When you add in sensory sensitivity, interoception differences, and a heightened stress response, the impact goes beyond the gut. It can shape emotional regulation, overwhelm, even shutdowns.

These aren’t just medical side notes — they’re part of the autistic experience.
And by bringing more awareness to that difference, we help shape better understanding and support.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Aug 20

Alt text:

Light pink infographic titled “Signs of Autistic Shutdown (That Are Easy to Miss).” A subtitle reads: “Shutdown isn’t failure — it’s your nervous system going into safety mode.” Below are ten illustrated signs of autistic shutdown, each paired with a small icon:

1. 😶 *Can’t speak, even if you want to* — Words disappear when you try to talk
2. 🛏 *Hide in bed or small spaces* — Seeking silence, safety, invisibility
3. 📱 *Ghosting everyone* — Even people you love or feel safe with
4. 🧍 *Going still or frozen* — You’re not “doing nothing,” you’re shut down
5. 🧠 *Can’t process thoughts* — Everything feels scrambled or blank
6. ❌ *Unable to make decisions* — Even simple choices feel overwhelming
7. 🔁 *Looping sounds or words* — Repetition becomes a nervous system anchor
8. 💔 *Emotionally detached* — You stop reacting, even to big things

At the bottom, there’s an illustration of a person curled up on the ground, wearing soft pink clothes, looking distressed. The final line in bold pink text reads:
“You’re not failing — you’re shutting down to protect yourself.”
Credit: @SoftlyDivergent (Instagram)

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Aug 12

We can’t keep up with fast-talking surface chatter — because our brains were wired for depth, not speed.
For meaning, not trivia.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Aug 7

You want to move. You know what needs doing. But the bridge from thought to action is flooded. And you’re still on the shore.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Aug 7

Every gesture tucked away. Every instinct paused. Masking is not ease — it is effort without rest.

🖼️

Illustration titled “Signs you might be masking (autistic)” by @muguisticsoul.
Six hand-drawn panels, each showing a simplified human figure with a related caption:

1. Panel 1: Person curled up, quietly distressed.
Text: “You’re not asking for help when you need it."

2. Panel 2: Person sitting on hands with small movement lines around them, suggesting restrained motion.
Text: “You’re suppressing your stims.”

3. Panel 3: Person with steam or stress lines rising from their head, holding their own face.
Text: “You’re withholding meltdowns.”

4. Panel 4: Person shrinking into themselves, surrounded by visual noise or overstimulating elements.
Text: “You’re pretending not to be overstimulated.”

5. Panel 5: Person with blurred or multiple outlines, symbolizing mimicry.
Text: “You’re mimicking your peers even though it’s uncomfortable.”

6. Panel 6: Person looking down, surrounded by speech bubbles filled with the word “sorry.”
*Text: “You’re excessively apologizing for traits that slip out.”*

Background is white; all illustrations are minimal and expressive in soft black linework.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Aug 7

This image powerfully illustrates the experience of autistic masking— the act of hiding one’s true self to appear “normal” in a neurotypical world. A faceless figure, filled with stars, is shown hanging various emotional masks on a clothesline, symbolizing the constant effort to perform identities that aren’t fully authentic. The accompanying quote reads:

> “Autistic masking. It is an art form that slowly destroys the soul.”

This speaks to the profound emotional toll masking takes — how it can lead to exhaustion, identity loss, and a deep disconnection from one’s inner self. The final line, “Labels go on soup cans. Autism is a diagnosis,” challenges the stigma and reductive labeling of autistic people, affirming that autism is not a character flaw, but a legitimate neurotype.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Aug 4

Written during the process of writing my memoir through autistic burnout — a quiet reminder to myself, and maybe others too.

Sometimes creativity is like a match trying to catch in damp air.
You feel the spark —
but it won’t catch right now.
Still, you hold the match.
It flares, then fades.
Wait. Breathe.
Try again, gently.

Written during the process of writing my memoir through autistic burnout — a quiet reminder to myself, and maybe others too.

Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)@actually-autistic· Jul 29

"Other people seem to move on. Why can’t I?” That’s not a character flaw. That’s autistic neurology plus lived trauma — and science actually has language for it.