Bespoke Swears

@bespokeswears

Grumpy old lesbian in small-town Aotearoa. Amateur bagel baker, gardener, bird nerd. Rants about NZ politics, feminism, human rights and evil supermarkets guaranteed. She/her.

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Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· 6d

Oh my god - Luxon put that 90-second presser on his own Facebook page. Like it makes him look good or something? Fucking hell. The comments are brutal. #nzpol

Screenshot from the Facebook page of Christopher Luxon (New Zealand's current prime minister, as at 1pm today). Shows a still from his press conference this afternoon, with various National MPs looking uninspired and depressed, much like our economy.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· 14d

I don't know if this is the sticker I'd choose for a work van that clearly identified my business. But why the fuck not, mate. 😁

Sticker on the back window of a red van that says "I'm not gay but $20 is $20".

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· 25d

Bow Wow boutique do a great range of cute, durable, made-in-NZ collars - www.bowwowboutique.co.nz/38mm-wide-do...

Screenshot from the Bow Wow Boutique website, showing six different dog collars. The first is bright orange and has TWAT on it in huge black letters, the second has a kōwhaiwhai pattern, the third is tui on a blue background. The rest are a bit dull by comparison.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jul 18

The fucking audacity of our supermarkets. Why are Kiwis struggling to buy food, huh?

Photo of supermarket shelf-talker, in front of biscuits that help make millions of dollars in excess profits for the two major supermarket chains. The shelf-talker says that the food banks are running low and we, the customer, can help by buying something to donate. Unbelievably tone-deaf.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jul 13

Random middle-of-the-night thought... What do people outside of Aotearoa call 'tarakihi'? Oh. Nice.

Screenshot from Wikipedia showing alternative names for tarakihi, including "jackass morwong". Charming.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jul 11

Took a great selfie of my dog and me at the beach today. Mānawatia a Matariki!

Photo of my arm in a yellow coat sleeve, plus approximately one-tenth of my dog, Bea a black lab-chaos monster mix. Bright blue sky and beach behind us.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jul 2

Bit early, pal.

Photo of my neighbour's berm - green grass and a bright yellow daffodil against a white fence. In July. In the southern hemisphere.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jun 24

We grew a cauliflower! I am stupidly proud of this. (Who knew that seedlings plus garden, plus mulch, plus water, plus weeding, plus fertilizer, plus slug hunting, plus sunshine, plus caterpillar hunting, would equal one edible cauliflower?!)

Photo of a cauliflower in the garden, big green leaves surrounding the edible bit.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jun 19

Today's forecast is a high of 16 degrees, with an overnight low of 16 degrees. Wtf.

Screenshot from NZ Metservice, showing temperature forecast for 2am to 5am - it's a straight fucking line, of 16 degrees. In June!

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· May 17

Met an autonomous road cone on our walk today...

Road cone on grass verge. "I'm not yours" written on the cone in black marker.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· May 4

Oh my god - he even uses his "apology" to say that it used to be okay to sexually harass/assault colleagues... 🤮

Screenshot from article, which reads:

Mabee concluded his statement saying he had made “a concerted effort to change along with the times”, despite falling short.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· May 2

Walking my dog and some kids (ages 6-8ish) just told me they liked my dog AND my haircut. I'll be riding this high for days lol.

Bea, a black lab cross, sitting on grass and being a generally gorgeous girl.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Apr 12

So someone in this government DOES understand that sometimes situations are unpredictable and you do need to be overly cautious in order to save lives. Huh. What a novel fucking idea. #nzpol

Screenshot from RNZ website:

Mark Mitchell told a press conference residents had done well to prepare for the cyclone - and generally evacuated when needed.

"We don't have the luxury of being complacent. Our job is to keep people alive.

"Those people that are complacent, that don't take the measures, that don't take some personal responsibility, are normally the ones that end up putting their hand up, and putting our first responders at risk, when they have to go and rescue them."

Screenshot from RNZ website:

Emergency Management Minister Mark Mitchell and Wayne Brown both pointed out cyclones were unpredictable, which was why there had been such widespread warnings.
"It's not a perfect science," Mitchell said.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Apr 12

Drag story time ON THE TELLY?? Funded by NZ On Air?! Yusssss!!! www.tvnz.co.nz/shows/mr-hug...

Screenshot from TVNZ website showing TV show Mr Hugo's Little Library, starring Hugo Grrrl 😁

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Mar 26

Just a little casual misogyny with your fuel-saving tips from the local Kiwi supermarket 😡 Can someone tell them that women do most of the supermarket shopping, and the "my wife's such an annoying talkative cow" jokes went out of fashion in the 80s?

Screenshot of a Facebook post from New World Pioneer:

"Here’s a few fuel-saving tips to keep the tank (and wallet) happier:
🚗 Keep your tyres pumped up
🛣️ Smooth driving – easy on the accel and brakes
📦 Ditch the extra weight in the boot
❄️ Go easy on the air con
…and I’ve personally started leaving the wife at home – lighter car (due to no shopping bags) and my left-side hearing is improving 😅"

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Mar 14

Today in trying to focus on the small things while the world burns - weevils in the fucking pantry 😠

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Mar 12

Photo of Winston Peters holding a sign that says NO. I can't even remember what the fuck this was about. Just Winston being a dick, I suspect.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Mar 10

Hilarious - ex-National MP Nick Smith is telling people in Nelson to vote for the Greens candidate in this year's election. Even the fucking Nats think we should vote for the Green Party, lols.

Screenshot of Facebook post by ex-National MP, current mayor of Nelson, Nick Smith:
I congratulate my former Deputy Mayor, Rohan O'Neill-Stevens, on his selection as the Greens candidate in Nelson for this year's General Election and wish him the very best for a strong ranking on the Greens party list.
Rohan was an outstanding Deputy Mayor for our city, bringing a sharp mind, generous spirit and the voice of a new generation to Council. We often disagreed but we were also able to find common ground and make positive progress on so many issues.
I have worked closely with many Green MPs from the party's founders Jeanette Fitzsimons and Rod Donald 30 years ago as an MP on Select Committees, twice as Minister for the Environment and Conservation and more recently as Mayor. Rohan would match up with the best. He has a maturity way beyond his years and gets the responsibilities that go with governance. He is resolute in his views but, unlike too many in the Greens, appreciates other perspectives and can find compromise. These are essential skills the Greens need in an MMP Parliament.
Nelson, the Green Party and NZ will be better if Rohan is in our next Parliament and I wish him the very best for November 7th.

nzpol

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Mar 8

Yesterday I went to a jewellery workshop and made three pretty rings. And later, at home in the garden, I saw two kōtuku ngutupapa (royal spoonbill) fly over our house. Happy day! 😁

Three small silver rings with round, textured silver embellishments, on a black woven surface.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Mar 5

We have an occasional customer who orders online and emails to say thanks when it arrives. It's DELIGHTFUL. (But I'm also quietly pleased that not everyone does this, as it would destroy my inbox.)

Screenshot of an email:
Hi Team
The wine I ordered was delivered this morning. Thanks for the great service. Cheers, [customer name redacted].

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Mar 3

My dog sleeps like a world-weary teenager, crashed out after a hard day of growing. At two o'clock in the afternoon (the lucky bastard). 🇳🇿🐶

Bea, a 2-year-old black lab cross, deeply asleep. Mostly in a dog bed - except for her head, which is lolling out onto the floor, upside down. Demonstrating the peaceful sleep of the doggedly untroubled.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Mar 2

March 2026 - NZTA announces a review and consultation on the speed limits on roads around the Horowhenua. Looks like they want to reduce the speed limit on roads that had the speed limits increased in July 2025. Fucksake. (4a/4)

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Feb 24

I am utterly intrigued by this book being advertised on stuff.co.nz “Finally a novel for men”! All novels previously published were clearly too girly for Mr Watkin.

Screenshot of a pop up advertisement for a book titled ‘Waitaki Point: The Paradox of Truth’, by Trevor Watkin.

With the world’s most hilarious tagline:

‘Finally a novel for men’

🤣

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Feb 19

The audacity of a Nat MP telling the opposition to stop the 'theatrics' while Major Diva Winston Peters is RIGHT THERE bringing the drama as per.

Screenshot from Stuff. In the NZ parliament, National MP Rima Nakhle: "told the opposition to calm down the “theatrics”.

“It’s OK. We’re only making English official, it’s not the end of the world.”

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Feb 11

Briefly confused by what sort of 'parts' were being advertised in my period tracking app...

Screenshot of an advert for "New Genuine Japanese Parts".

My brain: tick, tick, tick...

Oooooh you mean CAR parts. Righto, sorry, carry on.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Feb 4

It's a quiet day at work, so I'm training Bea to let me put a biscuit on her snout. She is... unimpressed. 🇳🇿🐶

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jan 28

John Key calling JuCo the "Margaret Thatcher of New Zealand" and thinking that's a compliment 😬 #nzpol

Screenshot of headline from the Herald:

Sir John Key on Judith Collins, the 'Margaret Thatcher of New Zealand'

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jan 27

Gonna go stand outside the Nicola Willis's office with a boombox, a la John Cusack, playing Skunk Anansie's 'Yes it's fucking political'.

Still image from movie 'Say Anything'. John Cusack's character, standing beside a car outside a girl's house, holding up a boombox.

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jan 20

The good news is the speed limit on that stretch of SH1 has been reduced to 80km/hr, at least temporarily, because of 'increased construction traffic'. (Bishop also described it as "a death-trap," so maybe he figured out that increasing the speed then describing it as a death trap wasn't smart.)

Screenshot from RNZ article:

Transport Minister Chris Bishop told media the construction of the new road would generate thousands of jobs.

Bishop described the current State Highway 1 route as "a dangerous death trap".

Bespoke Swears@bespokeswears· Jan 7

Ha! We're getting email spam in Te Reo Māori now. If that's not a sign of a healthy, active, living language, I don't know what is.