Woke up with this in my head

Hampshire will never die

Being a parent is just kinda this on loop for many many years

say what you will about anthropic, but the pulsating butthole logo is elite at telling you right up front what they do

We should have known something was wrong at exactly this point

daddy doesn’t have to sell plasma anymore

Cookie Crisp is great when you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something

GO Mia! Girls on the run is so much fun Girls on the run is so much 5k Girls Fun the run is 5k on so much

tomorrow my kid’s preschool will be exposed to live birds of prey, follow for live updates

Offline wife sent me this completely earnest text this morning and I think she ought to start posting

My kid did surgery on a grape

oh no the ring fell in

Should have been more suspicious when my wife got so enthusiastic about me wanting an iPad for my birthday

Insider reporting from me says my getting married is “95% done.” The remaining 5% of negotiations are focused on me finding a girlfriend and locating her clit

Did you lose money due to financial loss?

check out this map of racism. blue = no racism

I see this billboard at least once a week and my insurance is starting to frown upon the number of cars I’ve angrily wrapped around a pole

ÞO Y0Ų SMEII WH4T THE RQCK IS C0OKlŅĠ ¿

Condolences to Canada

Presently squirting this entire can straight into my mouth like a total piece of shit