My baby boys why are you wearing hoodies and those weighted vests for dogs who get scared of thunderstorms? My babies why are you wearing SLEEVES?

$160. I know the answers to “how long can this go on” and “something’s got to give” are “forever” and “no it most certainly does not” but this is untenable for everyone.

It is too hot. Vell does not like it. Everyone has to know when Vell does not like something. She’ll make sure.

I have a fat pampered cat who thinks he’s very fierce & brave. He’s always trying to get outside to take on the world But when he does escape, he instantly realizes he’s a fluffy spoilt dummy who’s prepared to handle nothing & begs to come back So anyway, that’s what’s happening with the Iran War.

It’s not the model’s fault, but everything about this from the tips of his toes to the top of his head says “guy who will make you feel like you’ve finally found your soulmate for three months and then straight-up *annihilate your entire existence on a cellular level* for three years”

From my new piece on Platner and the Maine election catvalente.substack.com/p/progressiv...

First rose of the season finally opened (Maine, what can I say) and have you ever seen a more perfect rosebud in all your days?

Trying not to have a full anxiety attack because I opened my laptop to work and it’s doing this. I’m waiting at the Apple Store praying this is just because my kid spilled water in my purse & it needs to dry out…

Ooooh it’s that new anthology smell! I’m so proud of my story in this one, it’s been brewing for years, and as seems to often happen, just needed @jonathanstrahan.bsky.social to ask for it to come out. Launches Oct 6th! Pre-order: amzn.to/4uE603y

Uh…storm’s a-comin’

I know I keep saying it, but how the fuck can he say this shit & the media just goes “lol noted no questions” but Biden was a little slow at a debate & all we saw for months was incessant screaming for him to be shoved onto the next available ice floe?

The Childe & I went to see @grahamformaine.bsky.social speak last night The Childe listened & asked to donate all $35 they had saved up to #GrahamPlatner. When we met him, they shook his hand & said “I know you’re gonna beat Senator Collins. I just KNOW it.” It was…quite a moment.

If you want to read a book about a Eurovision that is CENTERED on this shit, go do that because I made one but good lord not doing free live commentary is not a racist attack. I’VE LITERALLY BEEN WRITING ABOUT THIS THE WHOLE TIME amzn.to/4ntxSow

From my new piece on military motivation, the promise and lie of patriotism, the sad fucked-up repetition of the ancient world’s worstest hits, and weird failsons using the Iran War for their personal therapy: catvalente.substack.com/p/a-classica...

I mean, everything except vote for the people who want to fix it. I will literally never do that.

Oh, wow, this is definitely how the government investigates a very unexpected serious & real crime that was really committed, seriously, whose details totally matter, so we basically HAVE to give Trump $400 million & shut down the Democratic Party forever about it, that’s just the law, you guys.

AHHHHH! *deep breath* AHHHHHH! My twisty summer gothic story When He Calls Your Name is a #HUGO FINALIST! I am so beyond happy—I’m so proud of this story & so hoped it would find its people. SEE YOU IN LA DARLINGS, IMMA WEAR A VAMPIRE GOWN www.uncannymagazine.com/article/when...

I will be at the Ashland Library Horror Festival next weekend, April 11th! Come and make spring spooky with us!

From my new piece concerning the Anthropic settlement: catvalente.substack.com/p/blood-mone...

He’s just lying comfortably giving no fucks about what he just did to my wallet because, you’ll be shocked to discover, all the demons of hell were NOT behind him. It’s a Mac all-in-one thingy so fuck me. I cannot believe that just happened (“Ha ha I don’t care”)

Hey why the fuck are you doing it then because those kids are going to qualify for senior specials before this thing is done, Lithgow is 80, & literally everyone is already mad about some aspect of your…apparently shot-for-shot remake of the movies with worse music

I love how random Twitter users are like "Surely I have the solution no one else on this planet has thought of! I, Rando, have done it! Praise me!" They think just like their idol. Yes no one's ever considered getting around the Strait of Hormuz in the history of being a dick in the Middle East.

From my new piece on the trash fire: catvalente.substack.com/p/stop-sayin...

Egregious plant post warning… So last winter I got a lil teeny monstera prop/sprout & then someone gave me another “dead” one to see if I could cleric that thing back to life. MAY I INTRODUCE YOU TO BIG CHAP (1) & WEE BEBE (2, formerly dead) CLOVEY?

This is gonna be one of those stories about the Childe everyone thinks I’m making up to brag but I swear it’s not, this 2nd grader just likes old things very much, especially old movies. So I wondered “How old is too old?” And put on a certain 1927 silent film FULLY assuming it’d be a huge flop 🧵

The look on my poor baby Godzilla’s harried grandpa face is killing me. “REALLY? You FUCKIN KIDS GET OFF MY OCEAN.”

New recipe up on Patreon! This month: maple-pistachio snickerdoodles! www.patreon.com/posts/152058...

The Childe has become very interested in Tarot, so I’ve been teaching them to read cards as I once did professionally oh-so-long-ago. They just *iconically* referred to this (7 of Wands) as: “The Strugglebus Card”

Right, it’s such a huge deal, and so bad, so far-reaching, so beyond anything that’s come before that…we should just keep it shut. To preserve the wonderful peace & security we’re enjoying right now. BY THE WAY THE ONLY WAY TO GET HOPE IS BY EMPTYING PANDORA’S BOX.