The Joke Calculator

@dewno

I'm the world-famous Joke Calculator. Still a bit confused by how this new website works. Not a fan of the drama and personalities on here. Just my take. (he/him)

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The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jul 3

when you grasp how the offsides rule works and all the formations and strategies of soccer instantly make sense to you

Ray from Achewood saying "Nutmeg! THAT'S the secret flavor in Coke! GOD is that obvious!"

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jun 29

This is a small, random account so I don't want to QT them. But I think this is a common opinion and I think it's completely wrong. The US funded and armed genocide and many of our leaders overtly aligned with it. The idea that people are singling it out solely because Israelis are Jewish is absurd

Screenshot of two tweets:
"The problem is, that while the I/P conflict has been awful for a long time, the only reason that it's on the radar for non-Jews and non-Palestinians is antisemitism, and it's cousin philosemitism. Most Americans would be thinking about it just as much as they do the ongoing injustice in Tibet

Which doesn't excuse anything that Israel did or is doing! But it means that, for many activists, their entry into caring about Gaza is a nagging sense that anything Jews do is both important and sinister."

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jun 20

should've added "Count" at the start of this one

ESPN headlines for the World Cup. There are 9 headlines, and I've highlighted "Doku out of Belgium's World Cup game against Iran". The other headlines don't matter, but see below.

Netherlands break WC record with Sweden rout
Super sub Undav fires Germany to WC knockouts
Brazil's Raphinha (thigh) WCup return uncertain
Spain coach: A mistake to compare Yamal to Messi
Dalot: Portugal prepped for team, Ronaldo critics
U.S. clinches WC Group D after Paraguay victory
Doku out of Belgium's World Cup game against Iran
Almiron first to be sent off for covering mouth
🤔Permutations: How teams qualify for knockouts

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jun 19

I searched Google for "how does he keep up with the news", which is a direct quote from the Simpsons about a robot DJ who makes pointed barbs about "those clowns in Congress"

The AI Overview starts with
"If you are asking about President Donald Trump, he gets his news primarily through physical printouts curated by his aides and by reading daily newspapers."

and then goes into tips and tricks for keeping up with the news.

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jun 14

True, I had forgotten some of his work with the Dubs (including one ring as an acting head coach). That was huge. Though MB did leave on somewhat mixed terms because of the saga with Steve Kerr's tie: bsky.app/profile/greg...

Screenshotting my own tweet from 2018 trade deadline which itself had a screenshot of Steve Kerr looking angry without a tie, and Mike Brown behind him in a tie.

My tweet says "I'll save you a click:" and summarizes the story as follows (continued in next screenshot):
1. They got a tailor for Mike Brown
2. Mike Brown also got new horn-rimmed glasses and stole Steve Kerr's tie
3. Steve Kerr got angry because he's trying to figure out who stole Steve Kerr's tie.

My summary of the 2018 Steve Kerr-Mike Brown story by Chris Haynes continues as follows:

4. Haynes is arguing that they all got what they needed -- the Warriors needed better branding for Mike Brown; Mike Brown needed a snazzy new outfit; and Steve Kerr eventually found out who stole his tie and needed to realize that the tie looks a lot better on Mike Brown

5. "Don't ever steal my tie again, but I have to admit, that looks sharp as hell on you, and I got so angry my face turned red when I noticed someone had stolen my tie so I went to wash up and I think I actually look better without a tie. So thank you, Mike, this time."

6. Brown later told me that "I was prepared to fight [Warriors Coach Steve Kerr] for it. Given I've been working out, I might've killed [former professional athlete Kerr], heh heh. So, filching it from [Kerr] made more sense to myself, and the organization, at that juncture."

7. The article goes on like that for 3000 words. Sheer clickbait. The Warriors didn't get anything at the trade deadline, just a yearlong plot by Mike Brown to steal Steve Kerr's tie and Kerr eventually accepting this acquisition as a positive good if it's a one-time-only deal

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jun 5

Wemby seeing that bedtime has been rescinded

Anakin killing the younglings in Episode III

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jun 4

"Okay, war's over, everyone. Hezbollah retreated to Iran. Now that they're gone, let's all of us immediately go back to respecting Lebanon's borders and sovereignty and basic human rights, something that we Israelis only temporarily ceased to do, solely and exclusively because of the war in Iran."

Reply I received:
"Hezbollah is an IRGC backed terrorist group that has been a cancer in Lebanon for over 2 decades. If Hezbollah were to pack up their 💩 & go back to Iran, I expect Israelis would pack up their 💩 & go back to Israel & Lebanon could flourish again. The actual Lebanese people would be thrilled!"

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jun 4

I really don't get why (otherwise relatively good?) news outlets debase themselves with dumb framings like this and tank their credibility with anyone who understands the situation

Screenshot of a Reuters article:
"Hezbollah rejection clouds Lebanon ceasefire and prospects for ending Iran war

The pro-Iran Hezbollah movement rejected a new ceasefire in Lebanon on Thursday and Israel said it would not withdraw troops from the country, undermining U.S. President Donald Trump's efforts to halt fighting there to forge peace with Tehran"

The Joke Calculator@dewno· May 30

Obviously we won't know whether it will matter until we know the outcome of Game 7, but, in that event, which I personally am rooting against, but, in that event, the putative regain of JDub would be huge for OKC. (Btw I never talk about this but I was cursed with a limited form of omniscience)

ESPN news story headlined: "Daigneault says Jalen Williams could return for NBA Finals"

First few paragraphs: "Oklahoma City coach Mark Daigneault said Jalen Williams did not suffer a setback in his rehab from a hamstring strain after playing in Game 6 and could be available for the NBA Finals should the Thunder advance.

Williams has already been ruled out for Game 7 on Saturday night against the San Antonio Spurs after he looked largely ineffective in 10 minutes off the bench in Game 6."

The Joke Calculator@dewno· May 15

So, in other words, there literally was a shadowy conspiracy to get Mayor Pete to drop out before Super Tuesday that chiefly benefited Biden's campaign at the expense of Bernie's, it's just that the terms were blatantly obvious, so no big deal, let's all move on (also you're homophobic if you don't)

‪BeijingPalmer‬
‪@beijingpalmer.bsky.social‬
· 14h
normal people mostly quite like Pete Buttigieg and the insane dislike of him by leftists is weird and a mixture of envy and homophobia.

‪mtsw‬
‪@mtsw.bsky.social‬
· 10h
a lot of motivated reasoning stemming from him competiting with Bernie that got absorbed and internalized among the left even tho the competition with bernie is no longer relevant

mtsw
‪@mtsw.bsky.social‬
Follow
similarly the cope that bernie's loss was the result of some shadowy conspiracy to get pete to drop out before super tuesday instead of the extremely normal poltiical play of biden getting him to do that by promising him DOT if he won

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Apr 14

not remotely intending to dunk here or even be mean. and, like, don't get me wrong: i would very much like to live in the world where this is the reality of the situation it's not. leftists inherited liberalism and moved it forward, so that they usually embody liberalism better than actual liberals

Twitter thread by Bret Devereaux:

‪@bretdevereaux.bsky.social‬
"FWIW, the real political divide of our age isn't 'right' and 'left' in the sense of one's opinion on marginal tax rates or industrial regulation.

The real contest is between is those who argue from within the liberal tradition (which has 'right' and 'left' branches) and the authoritarians.

‪@bretdevereaux.bsky.social‬
Anyway, folks looking to save liberalism - and it is worth saving! - 'left liberals' coming out of that blue bubble should make a point of trying to listen to 'right liberals' not because you'll agree - you won't! - but the disagreement will be informative.

Start with
@thedispatchmedia.bsky.social

‪@bretdevereaux.bsky.social‬
"But Bret, The Dispatch os really frustrating, it is much more off-putting to my left-liberal sensibilities than something like The Bulwark."

Yes, that is my point. Different cultures and ideas *are* alienating. The Bulwark is good, but the 'what the hell is this' experience is what you are after!

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Mar 17

I don't believe in curses or superstition in any way, but I do believe that people should not "meddle in the primal forces of nature" and there was no way I was going to let the Clippers face the Spurs again without taking care of business. This is happening right now. I am eating the paper.

Screenshot of a tweet from me (on the occasion of the Spurs-Clippers meeting in March 6) saying "25 points is rough, though. Unfortunately, there's no way the Spurs can come back from this kind of deficit. If they somehow manage to come back and win this game, I will print this tweet and eat it, haha."

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Mar 4

Watching the whole minute-long statement and the full statement is actually much worse than this quote makes it sound. Here's my transcript (with alt-text): bsky.app/profile/atru...

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, explaining why the US attacked Iran.

"Now I am out here today to explain to you exactly what led the president to make the decision to launch Operation Epic Fury. And President Trump does not make these decisions in a vacuum. This decision to launch this operation was based on a cumulative effect of various direct threats that Iran posed to the United States of America, and the president's feeling based on fact that Iran does pose an imminent and direct threat to the United States of America based on the fact that they are the leading state sponsor of terrorism, based on the fact that they were rapidly and aggressively building up their ballistic missile program to give themselves immunity within their country alongside their navy so that inside their country, they could continue to create nuclear weapons and nuclear bombs which would of course pose a risk to Americans in the region and even Americans one day here at home."

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Feb 24

"Some say they're ahead of schedule, but the Spurs think that they're right on time."

Martin Scorsese making the "Absolute Cinema" gesture

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jan 3

"Mr. President, what would you say is the administration's legal theory that justifies its actions in Venezuela?"

Tweet from CNN White House correspondent Natasha Bertrand:

"Trump says the US is going to be taking “a tremendous amount of wealth” out of the ground in Venezuela in the form of oil"

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Dec 31

AI response to my query "is water denser than fat" starts with "No, fat is less dense than water,"

Bart interacting with Smokey the Bear, who pedantically corrects Bart for selecting "you" to "Only who can prevent forest fires?" Smokey the Bear says, "You selected 'you', referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you."

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Dec 30

RIP. i laugh anytime i remember this

Tweet from Mike Fossey (RIP) from 2016:
"Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed"

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Dec 13

Really great picture fidelity. I was surprised to find that you can even (faintly) see some of the pickup courts/tennis courts over on the other side of the building!

Old stone gatehouse at Cal Anderson park (featuring “Nate And Danny Chest Pass” mural if you zoom) wading pool in foreground reflecting partly cloudy late afternoon sky overhead. Trees and bulldings in the distance

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Nov 15

with Nico gone, here's some incredibly-stupid flash fiction i wrote at the time. i doubt i ever posted it

The sun was shining over the harbors and beaches of Los Angeles County.

As Luka Doncic surveyed the scene, he smirked mischievously and considered what he had accomplished.

The Slovenian savant had brought LeBron to yet a fifth championship, and LeBron had surely helped a great deal. But history would remember this as his year, Luka's year. Luka's own championship. It hadn't been easy, but he had done it. What do they say in that old, great American song of yore?

"Like Frankie said, I did it my way." And Luka knew in his heart of hearts that he had done it his way.

"And it was also the Laker way," he considered, regarding the other Lakers who were on the beach, past and present, with a wave, such as Austin Reaves and LeBron James and Kareem and Magic and Shaq and countless others, all of them Lakers once and thus Lakers for life. Oh, and sure, doing it the Laker way meant he'd never get the full credit. When you're on the Lakers, people discount your successes. You pay the "Laker tax" because you're surrounded by so many other great players and awash in the historical tides of so many great predecessors and successors. But to him, sipping that margarita on the beach, Luka knew that it was worth the tax any day of the week. Somewhere, not far off, Luka could hear the Red Hot Chili Peppers were playing a live concert. They'd promised to cut to him at some point, sunbathing on the beach.

And what about Dallas? A real, genuine shame about that. His first home in America would always have a home in his heart, despite that they had sent him away for reasons that still to this day eluded reason. Some say the flooding of the Trinity was an act of God. Some say the whole city had gradually washed away in despair after Nico Harrison's fateful act. Still others correctly asserted it was part of the second great JFK cover-up. Some people unfairly blamed the ill-conceived hydrological Randian experiment codenamed "Bioshark" that a gone-mad Mark Cuban had enacted upon the city, flooding it instantly after having forced everyone else to vacate the whole area. Well, whatever the case, Dallas was gone, Fort Worth wasn't looking too hot, and the Mavericks were no more, and also the Thunder were forced to go back to Seattle for separate reasons. Shame about that, too.

Luka decided he would always be a Laker, he knew that much. But all that was in the future. All that was for later. Right now, he had an icy margarita to sip. He smirked again and got the fateful phone alert that he was on camera, on the big screen at the Chili Peppers concert over yonder, with thousands of adoring fans chanting his damn name. Luka. Luka. Luka. Waving to the camera and to that crowd he could not see, but did not need to, the Laker legend dropped his aviator sunglasses and smiled, smiled sincerely for the first time in his life, finally validated by his efforts to work the refs, no longer having to complain, validated and enshrined forever. The summer sounds of "Californication", that classic Peppers' number, began to play. As he continued to smirk at the camera, and at the Lakers on the beach, and at the Lakers still to come, Luka suddenly had a thought.

"I could get used to this...."

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Oct 16

me when i'm physically at the U.S. Capitol building and being asked about extrajudicial political violence that I'm in the process of supporting:

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Sep 7

i like that AI is such a stupid, all-encompassing buzzword that we're now applying it to stuff that we already did perfectly fine before LLMs, like using MCMCs to sim outcomes.

"IBM Match Insights" from the US Open showing Carlos Alcaraz with a 57% chance to win against Jannik Sinner, using "AI-generated previews of head-to-head matchups"

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Aug 11

@damonagnos.bsky.social some pictures of Green Lake

The same blue lake, with some foliage in front and back of the lake, amply demonstrating the color contrast

I essentially live on a blue lake. Our city logos represent the famously-blue lake water. This photo is of a lake that is perhaps equally blue, maybe moreso.

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Apr 21

Here are some from yesterday

Couple hours before sunset, the sun comes through the trees in a complex pattern

Two trees of different species peek above a grassy hillside. I think this is how they thought of that one Rush song. You know, the one with the trees.

You can see Madison's iconic Capitol and Lake Mendota skyline (around 10 miles away as the crow flies) from a high hillside at the far north of the preserve.

Another tree. Mid-afternoon, clear skies.

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Apr 21

I took hundreds of photos this weekend while walking on some nature paths lol. Here are some that I took a few hours ago

Nest high up in tree amid a tangle of branches

$Two trees fractally beginning to expand into one another's territory$

Glimpse into the nature preserve: trees and a path behind a road and red traffic lights, around sunset.

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Apr 10

I had already RT'd when I saw this follow-up lol. Your use of that clip has been some of your finest work over the last couple years (Also love that Chuck's speech from "chicanery" is a certified youtube meme that large segments of the audience are fluent in)

Youtube comment saying "when chuck says chicanery one too many times"

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Mar 29

Screenshot of Balatro. The screenshot shows that I beat Ante 8 because I was "Saved by Mr. Bones". Because of a Double Tag and Investment Tag, I got $50.

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Feb 11

Zach Galifianakis in shades looking inscrutable, from the epilogue of "Haunted House" from Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Feb 6

When we got Andrew Wiggin and Harrison Bergeron in the league:

Cartoon of man observing his calendar with horror as 2020 turns into 1984, which says something profound about society

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Feb 2

@docrostov.bsky.social from a group DM

The Joke Calculator@dewno· Jan 19

Spurs broadcast