Doktor Zoom

@doktorzoom

Wonkette writer & senior editor I'm just an animal, looking for a home. Retweets do not imply comprehension. Born at 318.43 ppm atmospheric carbon. He/him In Idaho, but not of Idaho.

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Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· 12d

Hey, am I a naive summer child, or did the NYT actually get rid of the 10-a-month gift article limit? This late in July I guess people would know for sure ...

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· 20d

Trump wants the president of FIFA to run the UN, and the only good thing to come out of it may be my photoshoop for the thing I wrote about it for Wonkette, coming tomorrow.

Photoshopped Fox News screenshot of Donald Trump receiving the 'FIFA Peace Prize,' but the trophy has been digitally replaced with the 'major award' lamp (a lampshade on a realistic replica of a woman's leg in a fishnet stocking and high heel shoe) from 'A Christmas Story'

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· 26d

Kinda sad that the 'men who look like old lesbians" blog hasn't been updated since 2010.

Photo of Texas Lt. gov Dan Patrick looking old and not exactly macho in a black leather jacket and black tee.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Jul 8

Newest thing to fear: "DEI bike lanes."

Screenshot of July 7 tweet by Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy:

"Remember when Biden and Boot-edge-edge used YOUR MONEY for DEI bike lanes and climate change?

THAT’S OVER

I just redirected $1.73 billion in USDOT grants away from Biden-era DEI pet projects

Now this funding is officially locked in to fix America’s actual backbone: ROADS, BRIDGES, AND SHIPPING PORTS"

Embedded illustration from a Daily Wire story headlined "Trump Uses Biden’s Billion-Dollar DEI Bike Lane Program To Fix What Americans Actually Use" with a photo of Duffy and a quote of Duffy saying:

"America is fortunate to have a Builder in the White House who knows America is only as great as our infrastructure. That’s why this Department is investing in repairing critical roads and bridges that connect Americans to job opportunities, port infrastructure that bolsters our national security, and aviation and transit projects that move American families.”

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Jul 8

In related news, Maine Democrats are rushing to naturalize and nominate Count Binface to run against Susan Collins.

Screenshot of instagram video in which 'Count Binface' — comedian Jonathan David Harvey wearing a stylized trash can as a space helmet — is interviewed by the BBC's morning show, BBC Breakfast. None of it is photoshoppedl; it is gloriously real.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Jun 18

Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars (A New Hope) with Impact meme font text reading "Mistakes were made" (top) and "Now, that's a passive voice I haven't heard in a long time... A long time." (bottom)

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Jun 18

The Other Place still has its moments. Like this literary conversation starter. Moby Suit Gundam

Screenshot of June 17 2026 tweet by Carl / "@NightlifeMingus"

Moby-Dick discussion question:

If the Pequod’s blacksmith had built the giant mech for Ahab as he instructed, could Ahab have survived his encounter with the White Whale?

Screenshot of text from Moby-Dick, Chapter 108:

Sir?

Hold; while Prometheus is about it, I’ll order a complete man after a desirable pattern. Imprimis, fifty feet high in his socks; then, chest modelled after the Thames Tunnel; then, legs with roots to ’em, to stay in one place; then, arms three feet through the wrist; no heart at all, brass forehead, and about a quarter of an acre of fine brains; and let me see—shall I order eyes to see outwards? No, but put a sky-light on top of his head to illuminate inwards. There, take the order, and away.

Now, what’s he speaking about, and who’s he speaking to, I should like to know? Shall I keep standing here? (aside).

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Jun 11

Donald Trump: I love the inflation!"

Novelty inflatable doll sold by a balloon company that does not appear to be a functional sex doll. The plastic face looks especially goofy, as if the figure is holding its breath with its eyes bugging out.

https://www.balloonsaloon.com/gifts-and-toys/adult/inflatable-love-doll-girl-detail.html

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Jun 10

It was pretty smart of him to send all those oil workers into Iran without being noticed, where they pumped millions of barrels of oil without being noticed, and loaded it onto a tanker that got through the strait of Hormuz without being noticed. Must have had some great disguises!

Photoshopped image of an oil tanker ship wearing giant Groucho glasses over its bow.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Jun 10

I want to say the internet was a terrible idea, but then the smug little smartass from the Matt Bors cartoon would appear and say "Yet you make your living on the internet! Curious!" thenib.com/mister-gotcha/

Mr. Gotcha, from the Matt Bors cartoon of the same name.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Jun 9

As usual, there are only about two dozen people (so far) in the comments who thought exactly the same thing. Sigh. Best variation on the theme:

The oregon trail video game "you have died..." screen, with green monochrome ox and wagon, and the text "YOU HAVE LISTENED TO RFK JR.'

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 29

Gosh, wherever did ICE get that idea?

Trump rally attendee wearing a T-shirt with the slogan "Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some assembly required"

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 29

DEVELOPING: The Groovie Goolies *and* The Mummies and the Puppies have both withdrawn from President Trump’s America 250 celebration. (Yes, that's how it was spelled. Surprised me too! Also, Larry Storch voiced Drac, the vampire. Huh!)

Image featuring the characters from the 1970 cartoon series "Groovie Goolies," including cartoony versions of Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, a hippie werewolf, a female vampire, a large carnivorous plant, a mummy, and others.

cartoon screenshot of "The Mummies and the Puppies" band from the Groovie Goolies cartoon, featuring a large green mummy who vaguely resembles Mama Cass.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 27

Cautiously optimistic tonight for James Talarico. (image made with the Simpsons Chalkboard Generator.) enufstyle.com/generators/b...

Image of Bart Simpson writing on the chalkboard over and over, "I will not indulge fantasies about Texas turning blue"

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 27

Still cat sitting for Millie, my ex's cat. Look at this perfect little goofball! Thornton will always be #1 in my heart. But I have informed him that he would get a lot more clicks if he'd just roll over on his back now and then. He prefers not to stoop to such pandering to popular sentiment.

Millie, a grey and tan tabby, sprawled on her back, her front paws curled over her chest, her hind feet splay we d and showing her little black toe beans. She stares up wide eyed at the viewer.

Thornton, my grey tabby cat, lies like a meatloaf in his cloth basket bed, eyes mostly shut.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 26

And more lying, this time from DHS Chief Goon Markwayne Mullin:

Screenshot of May 25 tweet by DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin: 'This is nothing more than a political stunt by New Jersey sanctuary politicians for fundraising clicks. There is NO hunger strike at Delaney Hall. There are no subprime conditions. @SenBooker , @SenatorAndyKim , @RepMenendez , @RepNellie , @FrankPallone , @GovSherrillNJ and dozens of New Jersey sanctuary politicians chose to spend their Memorial Day weekend smearing ICE law enforcement. They should be thanking our law enforcement for removing these murderers, pedophiles, rapists, and drug traffickers from their state. Would these sanctuary politicians like to house these criminals in their homes or have them as neighbors? We need these sanctuary politicians to stop peddling this garbage and cooperate with us to get these criminals out of their state.' Mullin retweets a May 25 2026 post by Sen. Corey Booker reading 'Immigrants at Delaney Hall are on a hunger strike because they are fighting for their human rights. The conditions there are deplorable. We’re working with our partners in the state to bring an end to this nightmare and I’ll be going to Delaney Hall again to conduct oversight. Enough is enough - not in New Jersey, not anywhere'

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 26

Its so corrosive & familiar by now, but we can't let ourselves be complacent about the routine propaganda coming from the Trump administration every moment, to justify brutality. ALL protesters become "rioters." ALL undocumented people become "the worst of the worst criminal illegal aliens." Jesus.

Tweet from DHS, May 25, 2026:

No individuals were directly struck by pepper ball projectiles.

On May 25, 2026, rioters obstructed law enforcement from exiting the ICE facility. Officers issued multiple lawful verbal commands for rioters to clear the area. Rioters refused to follow law enforcement commands and continue to obstruct the exit route. Our law enforcement followed their training and used the minimum amount of force necessary to protect themselves, the public, and federal property.

The First Amendment protects speech and peaceful assembly – not rioting. DHS is taking appropriate and constitutional measures to uphold the rule of law and protect our officers and the public from dangerous rioters.

We remind the public that rioting is dangerous—obstructing law enforcement is a federal crime and assaulting law enforcement is a felony.

Embedded retweet of a May 25 post by Ed Krassenstein:

DISGRACEFUL: ICE agents tear-gassed U.S. Senator Andy Kim at Delaney Hall detention facility in NJ today!

Kim was supporting hunger-striking detainees protesting spoiled food, no medical care & extreme heat when federal agents unleashed tear gas & pepper spray. Kim struggled to breathe & injured his hand in the chaos. (video of a volunteer pouring bottled water on Sen. Kim's face)

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 26

I expect this will start showing up in profile pics soon.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 26

DHS being very normal after pepper spraying a US senator yesterday. Guess Tricia McLaughlin left a style guide behind when she quit.

Screenshot of press release from DHS yesterday

Headline: DHS Debunks New Jersey Sanctuary Politicians’ Smears Against ICE Facility
Release Date: May 25, 2026

Subheading, in italics: Instead of cooperating with our ICE law enforcement to remove the worst of the worst criminal illegal aliens, these sanctuary politicians continue to peddle falsehoods about ICE facilities

First paragraph of press release:

WASHINGTON – New Jersey sanctuary politicians – including Governor Mikie Sherrill, Senator Cory Booker, Senator Andy Kim, Rep. Rob Menendez, Rep. Nellie Pou, Rep. LaMonica McIver, Rep. Frank Pallone, and Rep. Analilia Majia – chose to spend their Memorial Day weekend spreading smears about ICE law enforcement and the Delaney Hall ICE facility in New Jersey.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 24

Cat sitting for my ex this week. Pleased to report she respects the traditions. (Door is for the pantry, not the laundry room. There are some limits to tradition.) I love Millie, who is an affectionate little football.

Photo of a door with a handmade sign taped to it reading "CAT FUD"

Photo of my ex's grey-tan tabby cat Millie, perched on the arm of a couch and looking vaguely crazed. It's her normal expression.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 19

I briefly strayed from my no-AI vow to see what Substack's built in generator would do with trump as emperor palpatine, and while I won't use this for an article, I fully appreciate that it gave him a teensy little lightsaber for his small damp hands

AI-generated image of Donald Trump as Emperor Palpatine, holding an itty bitty lightsaber the size of a medium kitchen knife.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 14

Here's the little whippersnapper's letter, which is polite and very much the work of a bright ten-year-old. (Over at the Other Place some dopes are insisting no kid would ever write about "tax credits," as if the idea of an incentive would never occur to a 4th grader.)

Screenshot of letter to Virginia Foxx from a 4th-grader:

April 10, 2026
Hello!

Enclosed you will find a persuasive essay from one of our 4th grade students [school name blacked out] They've chosen to contact you about a topic they care deeply about. We'd love to hear back from you if possible. Please enjoy this student's hard work and passion.

"Dear Virginia Foxx,
Boom 6.5 million people dead, glaciers gone, weather worse! That's the effect if pollution continues, air pollution kills 6.5 million people worldwide and pollution in the future would get rid of ice and the weather would get stronger. But electric cars produce less pollution so that could not happen and the future could be better. The federal government should give a $5,000 tax rebate for all new electric car purchases.

Electric cars produce less pollution which is better for our daily life and our world. If more electric cars were sold the world could get better and humans could have a better life with less problems and scientists would have to do less work to stop pollution. According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency Government or EPA .Gov/greenhousegas. Gas cars produce 4.6 metric tons of co2 per year but electric cars don't even have tall pipes to produce pollution, The main source of pollution In the world Is cars, especially gas cars. Our world would be cleaner, maybe safer.

Electric cars are safer than gas cars, for every 100,000 electric cars sold only 25 get into fire accidents. But for every 100,000 gas cars sold 1,530 get into fire accidents. Electric cars also have advanced driver safety features. With electric cars having less injuries than gas cars overall. And better roll over prevention and modern safety technology. According to the Omega law group, 5 of the top 10 safest vehicles are electric cars.

Normally electric cars are cheaper. In September 2023 the cost of electric cars went down by $14,000 then a few months later it went down by another $2800. Also when you…

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 12

Thank goodness for guerrilla art parodies. gothamist.com/arts-enterta...

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 8

This seems to be the emerging consensus among Twitter conspiracy loons:

tweets from weirdos

1: "Coz now they don't need to use the climate scam to control us. Now they're going to use AI to mass surveill and control us. Mass surveillance needs data centres.

2. Priorities. The climate scam was about government control. Which can't happen without AI data centers. The climate scam isn't gone; it's just temporarily on hold.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· May 8

Well that's an interesting take. Completely false, but interesting.

Tweet by climate denier Chris Martz. who proudly notes he's been called the "anti-Greta Thunberg":

Amazing how fast the climate scam disappeared as soon as these AI data centers started being built.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Apr 23

And here I've gone and changed my avatar to the guy running away from Superman on the cover of Action Comics #1, because that fits the times too.

partial view of the art on Action Comics #1, with a distressed looking guy running away as Superman smashes a car into a rock formation.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Apr 23

Silly me, I'd have thought that everyone at the Associated Press would have the difference between the "deficit" and the "national debt" pounded into them shortly after completing their HR intake. (Trump's big ugly bill worsened both) apnews.com/article/rfk-...

Embarrassing error in third paragraph of an AP story on RFK Jr's string of congressional hearings.

With lawmakers of both parties raising concerns about programs and research funding being reduced or eliminated, Kennedy acknowledged the cuts were “painful” but said they were necessary to address the federal government’s record $39 trillion deficit.

The "$39 trillion deficit" bit is a link to an AP story about the national debt, not the deficit.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Apr 21

If only there were some way of knowing! Austria, maybe.

Bumper sticker from first post reading "Runs on Aussie Sunshine"

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Apr 19

The Other Place is evil, and yet good things can yet be found there.

Tweet by "Bovril-Gesellschaft"

NIXON: I was in a room. Red. Everything red, the, the curtains, the floor, zigzag pattern on the floor. Very disorienting. Very…the lighting was not good, I’ll say that. Whoever was responsible for the lighting in this room was not- it wasn’t a well-lit room, Bob.

HALDEMAN: No, sir.

NIXON: And there was a small man there.

KISSINGER: Small in what sense, Mr. President?

NIXON: In the sense of being… Henry, in the sense of being small. Physically. A little man. Very well dressed, I’ll give him that. Good suit. He had a, there was something about the way he moved that was- Bob, you’d have to see it. The way he moved and spoke was like a, a record played at the wrong speed. You know what I mean? Backwards somehow and yet you could still

HALDEMAN: I think I follow, sir.

NIXON: And there was a woman there. Beautiful woman. Just sitting. She wasn’t… she didn’t say anything, she just sat and-

KISSINGER: A beautiful woman.

NIXON: Don’t, Henry.

KISSINGER: I said nothing.

NIXON: I know the look. The woman is not the point. The point is the little man, because the little man came very close to me and he spoke and what he said was - now this is the part I need you both to…he said, “burn the tapes”.

Photo: A 70s era Richard Nixon in a leather armchair in front of red curtains.

Doktor Zoom@doktorzoom· Apr 17

USA Today Network, I must question your entomology here. www.northjersey.com/story/news/2...