20 years ago this week, I had a personal bathroom attendant for a day. I hope he lived a long, fulfilling frog life doing what he loved most: keeping the sink clean, offering hand towels and supplying tasty mints

Finally! I'm so tired of having to use fruit roll ups when I feel like a burger but more gelatinous

Zooey says even though it's Monday, have a ball

Some welcome gloom after all the depressing sunshine every day

Fuck these fucking fucks. How about you fuckers just stop harming children?

Talk about projection

This booger did a wellness check on me and woke me up this morning at 4:15am because she's not used to me sleeping over 6 hours instead of my usual 4-5

Never thought I'd see Drudge writing Dem campaign ads, but here we are

I've been sober 6 years so I don't pass out under tables anymore

I'm so confused.....

This cheeky princess decided to sun herself on the dining room table for the first time in years and was perturbed I woke her up to document it

Even the not-so-early birds got some

Calicos rule. According to Zooey

Is this the bizarro season?

Now declassify the J.R. files

All you can eat worm buffet at my place. Come on over. You won't Egret it

How the mighty have fallen! Asleep

This is how I know my cat loves me

I thought I was adopting a cat but it appears they gave me a bed hog

Behold Zooey's awesome camouflage skills. Nature is incredible

Here's a tip I've found useful and it seems to work for all men, regardless of race or ethnicity: just don't be a creep

Zooey would love some

Elon is what you get when you cross Billy Bob's character in Sling Blade with a Nazi

Bought a new Christmas battery today

Caturday vibes

Floridians heading to Publix when it hits the low 50s

It's only 8:25 am but Zooey knows it's never too early to nap