InnerSpiral

@innerspiral

Alli 🌀 | Just exploring the web and being a silly ol' gal. she/her 🏳️‍⚧️ Love making new friends! ♡ +18 🌐 innerspiral.lol

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InnerSpiral@innerspiral· 21d

sound waves.

i did the work in the mirror today.
three hours of spackle and brush,
i was a silk apparition. i was passing.
yes ma'am, after you ma'am.
the guy holding the door at the store didn’t look twice.
the world is so painfully kind to you
when it thinks you are a delicate thing,
when you fit into the neat, suffocating little boxes
they cut out for us.

but then i have to buy the goddamn coffee.
or a pack of gum. or breathe too heavily.
i have to part my lips.
i haven't trained it. i haven't done the little bird-chirp youtube exercises,
pushing the larynx up, up, up into the skull
until the muscles stick and the cartilage clicks.
i didn’t want to perform a vocal contortion act today.
i just wanted to exist without a fucking regimen.
so i speak from the chest.
where the lungs are. where the rust lives.

"just an iced latte, please."

the baritone drops on the counter like a butcher's block.
heavy. bleeding.
the barista’s face breaks.
not a crack- a shatter.
you know the look. the flinch. the lip curl.
the what the fuck is that squint.
the sudden, glacial hostility of a world that feels tricked.
as if my existence is a premeditated prank on her tuesday afternoon.
her eyes turn into little glass beads of disgust.
the warmth is gone. i am a monster in a sundress.
here’s your receipt, sir.
she spits the sir like a cherry pit.

fuck you.
fuck your fragile ass reality.
fuck your delicate eardrums that can't handle a woman
who sounds like the earth instead of the wind.

i walk out and the street feels like a firing squad.
a guy in a puffer jacket hears me clear my throat and laughs.
a sharp, hyena bark.
i am shaking all the way to my shitty car,
keys biting into my palm until it bleeds.
i slam the door, lock it, and the dam bursts.

i am ugly crying.
i am hyperventilating over the steering wheel,
spit and mucus on my chin,
and the cruelest, most heartbreaking joke is that
even my weeping betrays me.
my chest heaves and every guttural sob sounds like my father.
the ghost of…

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· 21d

oh yeah, the trusty ol' beauty herself!

My n64! you can see the dust hitting the light... i haven't used it in a while.

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· 22d

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· 23d

Uhhh goodnight lovelies!!! Fell asleep at the desk writing, so I'm going to properly rest now. It was another good day, but on the more relaxing side this time. I hope y'all have yourselves a wonderful week ahead! 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· 24d

i had one of the best fucking days of my life? rave was great, danced for who knows how long, got compliments on my fit, somebody gave me a bouquet! euphoria was on levels unheard of i would post the fit, but i fear im going to wake up to some bull, so sleepy selfie instead! have a lovely day! 🩷🤍🩵

me taking a selfie before bed in the trusty toriel tee! ive had this for almost 10 years, and it's stuck through my transing and more. we love a unisex tee babyyy.

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· 26d

Morning! Just about to head off to work, and feeling better. This'll be a good day, I think :) I hope y'all are well 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· 28d

Goodnight!! I uhhh need to sleep! I stayed up having way too much fun after a long day. It's ended incredibly well. :) I hope y'all have yourselves a wonderful Wednesday! 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· 29d

Rosy and I~

Me wearing a wavy (water-type) cardigan, white tank and shorts and thongs/flipflops and pink striped bandana, hugging my favourite pokemon goodra! This one is named Rosy, with her signature rose. She's nuzzling as I sit gently on her back. :)

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 12

nighty night~ bad brain day, but i still got myself to go take a walk at the very least~ hope you know you're loved! 🩷

me low on energy, walking around an empty park at night just before i head home.

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 10

Goodnight lovelies!! I have been gaming too much, which is rare for me to say but i went through ff7 rebirth, deltarune, super magnetic neo and digimon racing on the gba... I am nothing if not all over the place x Anyways got work tomorrow!! Hope y'all have a wonderful friday!! 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 9

Good morning, lovelies! I am just about to start FF7 Rebirth now, wish me luck! That's all I'm doing today :3 I hope you're all doing well <3

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 9

good morning, lovelies! since i don't learn my lesson and keep on burning out from the constant writing, imma take myself a break from it until next week. (for real this time!) heading out for my run, then ive got a meetup with some friends later on :) i hope you know you're loved 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 7

Goodnight lovelies! Was a bit quiet today, just needed to take a little breather. Finished ff7 remake though! What an interesting one, seriously. Going through the intermission now. :) I hope y'all have yourselves a wonderful Tuesday! Enjoy a very sleepy me~

My tired self in my room wearing my warm cardigan

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 6

Good morning, lovelies! On my morning run, then heading to thrift (I also am holding back a rant, but gotta remember to blog it instead) Also have been getting the most wonderful guestbook messages lately, thank you <3 I hope you know that you are loved. 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 5

Morning, lovelies! It's my day off, and I don't really have any plans! I'm going to go touch grass and see where it goes from there! I hope you're doing well, and that you know you're loved. 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 2

Mallepiri~

A fire gym leader concept I created, with a jumpsuit with fire patterns in the areas that flare out, a cute ruby belt, and gold bangles on her arms and legs. beautiful beads in her hair too!

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 1

Oh oh!! Also got the site button done properly! I had to remake it because the other one was WAY too big. 😅

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jul 1

Goodnight lovelies! Thank y'all once again for the support the past few weeks or so. I...feel relief I haven't in a damn while. Anyways, I've started writing the new piece! It's a fun one ^_^ I hope y'all have a wonderful month ahead! We'll make it through this. 🩷🤍🩵

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 30

selfie after some panic attacks heheh-

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 29

a night to remember

I mist setting spray over a masterpiece,
letting the dampness settle on my skin.
My hands do not shake when I draw the wing.
I understand the curves of my own face better than the architects who built this city.

My friend leans against the bathroom doorframe,
kicking a strapped heel against the tile.
"You look expensive," she says, sipping something pink from a plastic cup.
"It cost me everything," I tell her, snapping the compact shut. "But look at the return on investment."

She laughs, that beautiful sound.
We hit the pavement a few minutes later,
seventy-three inches of me walking in time with her,
catching the streetlamps as we move.

They don’t know what it means to be twenty-something,
to arrive at your girlhood,
and to wear it like a custom-fitted leather jacket.

We push through the heavy doors of the club, and the bass swallows us whole.
It’s loud, it’s sticky, it’s perfect.
I am looking at the girls, and the girls, predictably, are looking right up at me.
At 6"1, I am a very willing eclipse.
A brunette by the bar catches my eye, looks me up and down, and smiles.
I smile back.
I’m single, I’m gorgeous, and I am in no rush to be anything but exactly right here.
God, I love women. I love being one so much it makes me want to give her the world.

"Hold this," my friend yells over a remix, shoving her drink into my hand.
"My strap is slipping."
I stand guard in the strobe lights while she fixes her dress.
Two girls in the neon.
This is our bloodline.
It wasn't handed to us wrapped in a pink blanket in a sterile room;
we bought it with our own two hands, synthesized it, willed it into the physical realm,
and now we are spending it on a Friday night.

"Okay, fixed!" she shouts, grabbing her glass back. "Bitch, the girls are staring at you."
"Let them," I say.

It hits me then, a wave of something so ordinary it is staggering.
Just pure, unadulterated joy.
No tragedy. No mourning for lost time.
Just the sweet realisation of standing next to my best friend,
feeli…

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 27

Goals, she says to me across the table.
A congregation of the fellow clocked, chewing on my cis-simulacrum,
starving for the recipe to my contour.
I flash a filed down smile.
Thank you, babe.
I leave the air thick with her envy,
never admitting that the Sephora receipt is a ransom note,
and the setting powder is ballistics grade.

They see the gloss. They do not see the panopticon.
They think I breached the estrogen tide as a fully realized commodity.
I wish.
I apprenticed in the claustrophobic totalitarianism of boyhood.
This face is not vanity. It is geopolitics.
I am required to be the hyper-femme algorithmic impossibility,
because a defective product in my melanin is recalled via asphyxiation.

The white dolls are permitted the rarity of a careless day.
The state grants white flesh the luxury of a margin of error
a loud voice, the grace of a shadow.
But if the light catches my face at a subversive angle?
I am tomorrow’s necro-statistic.
Just another zip-bag in the precinct,
processed by a racist coroner jerking off to his own bureaucratic violence,
typing my deadname in wet ink.

The chaser’s dialectic is a metronome of slaughter:
colonize the exotic in the shadows, obliterate the taxonomy by sunrise.
Every cis male gaze is a game of russian roulette.
They ache to penetrate the deviation, then butcher the witness to their own fragility.
So I must be perfect.
I have to be so paralyzingly beautiful
that the trigger-finger goes limp with awe.

And the most exquisite part of it all?
I don't mind it.
I drink the silk and the swell. The triumph of my own fucking gender.
I worship what I built from the ruins for my former self.
But God, the mandate.
The inescapable labour of not ending up in a ditch.
If I step onto the concrete unspackled, the imperial core declares open season.

So I paint the doll.
I lacquer the target.
I serve cunt to starving hounds,
praying they choke on the illusion
before their teeth find my trachea.

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 26

alrighty, electricity is back and i really should be sleeping! I've got work in the very early morning 😅 i hope y'all have yourselves a wonderful day 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 24

Good morning lovelies~ I'm so glad I finally got the piece out just before the end of pride. Thank you for the genuinely wonderful replies. Just on a morning run, then probably just relax today(she says, knowing who she is). I hope you know you're loved. 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 23

Good morning lovelies! Just up and finishing up some errands I have for the day, then I shall be back to publish the piece! ^_^ I hope y'all are well <3

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 23

Also it was amazing; what a reset.

Me wearing a "I Top Women For Fun" t-shirt, holding a trans flag, while i take a selfie~

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 23

Hihihi~ Feeling so much better- usually I peek back on, but I genuinely just logged off and I feel so much better. The new piece WILL be out tomorrow, it's for the trans girls (well anyone rly), but also just very personal. I'mma head to bed, but I hope y'all have a wonderful week ahead. 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 20

nighty night from the eepy woman!

A selfie of myself after work looking very sleepy, wearing my fave cardigan, and glasses as i stop my hair from covering me lmao

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 19

Morning lovelies! Running along to work as we speak! It's a long drive~ I hope y'all are going well <3

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 19

Goodnight, lovelies! Going to get myself a proper rest before work tomorrow! Oh, also really enjoying elliot! Anyways, I hope y'all have yourselves a wonderful Friday. 🩷

InnerSpiral@innerspiral· Jun 19

G'morning lovelies! Going to be taking it very easy today, starting by sinking my teeth into The Adventures of Elliot! Hope y'all are well! 🩷