Jess Zimmerman

@jesszimmerman

Brief elaboration of a tube.

653 Following9,552 Followers7,182 Posts

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Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· 4d

Looking at some of my old neighborhoods on Google Maps and team how do we feel about this restaurant name

Map screenshot showing a “vegan-friendly contemporary venue” called “Flavorture”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· 22d

Regina George “so you agree?” screenshot.

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· 24d

Nish Kumar dressed as Jason Mantzoukas holding open a cabinet containing Jason Mantzoukas nude and eating a banana.

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· 24d

@bcdreyer.social is this one of the ones you were complaining about? I am mad

Screenshot of New York Times Spelling Bee rejecting the word “caryatid”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· 26d

There are some weird asymmetries on the house that made me uncertain but it turns out there are just some weird asymmetries on that building! I’m satisfied it’s a manipulated photo (and a cool cover)

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· 29d

If I hear someone say “meeting in Bronx” I will kick them in nuts

Welcome to West Village? The
'the Is Not Optional, Some New
Yorkers Say.
Some newcomers in the city say they are meeting in Bronx, or living in East Village.

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Jul 2

An underappreciated benefit of repeatedly rereading Douglas Adams is finding new things he was prescient about each time, I’m eight pages into the first book and he’s already predicted the AI boosters’ only argument

"I'm afraid you're going to have to accept it," said Mr. Prosser, gripping his fur hat and rolling it round the top of his head; "this bypass has got to be built and it's going to be built!"
"First I've heard of it," said Arthur, "why's it got to be built?"
Mr. Prosser shook his finger at him for a bit, then stopped and put it away again.
"What do you mean, why's it got to be built?" he said. “It's a bypass. You've got to build bypasses."

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Jun 30

Onion headline: “That’s Not Funny; My Brother Died That Way”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Jun 28

This is very close to my family’s signature sandwich and we’re having an appropriately Jewish conversation about it

Dad
What? No chopped liver?

Me
Exactly, we could elevate his whole experience
Corned beef shmorned beef

Samantha
"What am I, chopped liver?" -the chopped liver

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Jun 21

More of an uncle thing really but it’s definitely pretending to be an idiot when texting with my niece

Grey: I met TOM BRADY
At school

Blue: What grade was he in?

Grey: TOM BRADY the absolute BEST former quarterback of all time

Blue: I know it’s CRAZY that he had to go back to elementary school! He is almost 50
But I guess they get hit in the head a lot

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Jun 11

If they’re not rich how did they afford a fucking plane. Check and mate

The Rescue Rangers flying around in their plane slash hot air balloon thing. At least two and possibly as many as four of them are chipmunks.

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Jun 11

That goes with this one I made for Justin

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 30

Sorry but I really made myself laugh with this one

Grey: I enjoy that bug poop is called frass. A much more dignified word.

Blue: It's short for "from ass.”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 25

And let us never forget the primary reason we respect this man

Adrian Chiles article from the Guardian. Headline: “I found a witch supply store opposite a Nisa Local. It's the start of a magical journey.” Subhead: “I've already bought a book called Basic Witches, and I'll be back to buy some crystals soon.”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 24

Same

Hand-written sign that says “if you can’t find me I am probably BURIED”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 22

Happy world goth egg puns day

Blue: Apparently it's world goth day and the waitress at this cafe said they were playing Bauhaus until it got too dire
And I was like if only you could have gotten him to re-record it as "the passion of lovers is for eggs"

Grey: “in the temple of l'œuf"

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 17

Here’s an ad Justin got on Facebook if anyone needs this

The text says “probably not haunted painting, $30.” The image depicts a definitely haunted painting of a bright pink person with a white bouffant, dark smudgy eyes like a ghoul, a horrible wide toothy mouth, and no nose giving two thumbs up and going “AAAAHHHHH!”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 17

This is what Olive looks like fully half the time since we got a rug

Grey pit mix rolling around on her back like an idiot. She has one paw stuck straight up in the air and you can see some little teefies as well. We are watching Guy Montgomery’s Guy Mont Spelling Bee but she’s not even paying attention.

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 15

You got any games on your phone?

A medium size grey pit bull mix with big ears who is looking at you with hopeful puppy eyes despite having a full box of toys right next to her.

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 15

Sequel lacks brevity

Plastic-wrapped blanket with the sign “Free cooling dog bed/couch cover. (Our dog is alive—just prefers the bathroom tile.)”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 13

The “uber driver sucked me off??” YouTube thumbnail meme

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 3

This statue that used to be at Hains Point would be a more fitting tribute to the Trump era

“The Awakening,” a massive sculpture in which a giant’s face and hands (and foot and knee, not pictured) emerge from the ground. He looks agonized and maybe angry.

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· May 2

Still upset about @bransonreese.bsky.social’s unauthorized depiction of me at age 15

Noel Household, a teenage chameleon, reading a copy of Sandman: Preludes and Nocturnes and thinking “This is like if Shakespeare listened to actually good music.”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Apr 17

She’s a photogenic dog but there’s only one possible answer

A medium size grey pit mix sticking her head into the front seat area of a car in such a way that it obscures the driver’s head and appears to be a dog-bodied man driving a rented Kia. I assure you she is buckled in.

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Apr 15

Justin has a real job and an inner life so I’m never sure how filled-in he is on the worst and stupidest of social media until he busts out something like this

Blue text bubble: Don't understand how Olive keeps not being in the photo roundups when she is objectively the prettiest dog there
Grey text bubble: They know she's going to dogmog everyone else in the photo!

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Apr 9

I’m not saying you should hire me as a trendspotter I’m just saying here’s me in 2024

Jess Z 10/9/24, 11:20 AM
knightcore!!!! it's coming

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Apr 5

“Wait hold on gotta look something up / ok yeah this is funny” Tumblr post, but with “funny” replaced by “convincing.”

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Apr 2

Grey bubble: There are no new ideas
Blue bubble: It's like Dracula in a sitcom living room doing a sitcom pose is some kind of racial memory
Grey bubble: Just people having the same
AMAZING ones independently and like decades apart
Blue bubble: We're all channeling something
Something HUGE and TRUE

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Apr 2

Someone should design one of these with three seashells

One of those sinks you get in public bathrooms with three automatic dispensers for soap, water, and air.

Jess Zimmerman@jesszimmerman· Mar 29

My husband’s guy has a very similar salon assistant (though without the fancy tail) and he has a normal amount of toys at work