CoolHandNuke
@mrfawkes50
Proud, progressive atheist Marine. Rated the 5th most popular underwear model in the tri-state region. Cool Hand Luke is my spirit animal.
This is what "our" Oval Office looks like. It's like the Orange Turd sent Liberace, Joe Exotic, and Peg Bundy to a flea market at Dante's Ninth Circle of Decor Hell for all the classy bling.
South Carolina Gov. McMaster announces that he's picking Lindsey Graham's sister to finish Graham's term.
Senate Dems will issue the predictable, cliched, and dishonest tributes to Lindsey Graham. We'll see "statesman, patriotic, and decent" thrown in. I suggest using quisling, apparatchik, and jovial fascist as honest replacements.
If a tree falls in a forest and hits Mitch McConnell, will we find out Mitch McConnell is dead on next year's Arbor Day?
Now with four fresh scents: zesty ranch & smoky bacon, smoky ranch, and zesty bacon.
What's green and white and dead all over? The Great American State Fair
After Vanilla Ice dropped out of the Freedom 250 musicfest to "spend more time with his barber" event organizers announced he will be replaced by "Heartless" a Heart cover band, who are the the 3rd most popular "Heart" cover band in SE Arkansas.
There are times when I catch myself daydreaming wistfully, caught in a wave of nostalgia of simpler, saner, and safer days gone by. Back then all we had to worry about was Hannibal Lecter, people eating dogs and cats, and Arnold Palmer's penis.
Not pictured--Jesse Watters, who's out in the parking lots deflating car tires so everybody has to stay.
Ukrainian gives thanks at The Zelensky Sculpture of Testicular Fortitude.
Rihanna Teixeria "wrote" a book "Scriptural Evidence That Trump is Set Apert By God." MAGA bought 2,000 copies. But there's a wee twist/grift, much like Dear Leader's phones, watches, university--all the pages are blank. Be patient MAGA. It's a concept of a book. The words will appear in 2 weeks.
D.C. police release sketch of reflecting pool suspect. "His M.O. is consistent, and always the same--everything he touches turns to shit. We're calling him the Unibungler," a police spokesman said.
Name this band? I'll start... The Cartridge Family Shootie and the Blowemaway Fish
Me: I need to report a creature on the tv threatening America 911: Can you describe it? Me: It subsists off hate, cruelty and cockroach smoothies. 911: Any tattoos? Me: No, but it looks like a walking, talking botched circumcision.
The Stephen Miller Band will play Freedom 250 on 4 July. They will join a lineup of Lee Greenwood and Lee Greenwood's gardener. Miller is known for the hits Fly Like a Weasel and Race Cowboy. With the lyrics I'm a smoker, I'm a joker, I'm an asshole, I'm a Nazi, I'm a cuckold and a cruel ugly fuck.
My mute button is the Carville. When that fucking voice appears on the TV, yep push the Carville button. He's having a meltdown cuz some true southpaws won in NY. James, why don't you, Dick Morris, Gingrich & Dershowitz shuffle off to the island of irrelevant, unwanted toys and play pickle ball.
The Dumpsterfire of his Vanities. He's going through gallons of makeup, oh, let's call it the Trump foundation, to hide death's impending arrival on his short vulgarian hands.
Bill Maher: Not funny. Not smart Not a pundit. He's the definition of mediocrity. Mediocrity should be called maherdiocrity. He's that old creepy dude at the Playboy Mansion smoking a joint (edgy) with the smug leer using the same stale joke to bag a Playmate. But he goes home with Ann Coulter.
Letters From the Front: The War on Algae Dear Clara Placid, shimmering waters. That has changed. Blooms of decay fill the air, like my basement apt. Vandals hiding in the trees and water. I am the sword of vengeance wrapped tightly in the fist of an angry god, and I just wanna go to Cracker Barrell.
Went grocery shopping. WTF. Somebody pissed off Poseidon. The seafood prices are insane... Crapulent Catfish $16.99/lb Simplistic Salmon $18.99/lb Mediocre Mahi Mahi $23.50/lb Half-witted Halibut $23.79/lb And Obtuse Barracuda is 24.95/lb. My days of enjoying the dumbest fruits de mer are history.
The reviews are in. "I'm lichen it. Except for the bigly words"--Eric Trump "He makes me look better every day"--Spiro Agnew "Go fuck yourself, and your couch"--Dick Cheney "He spelled potato right"--Dan Quayle "He doesn't have a pretty mouth"--Ned Beatty "He'd last 4 hours in Appalachia"--Cletus
FBI Director Kash Patel has added Algae Green (soul singer and member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame) to the FBI's most wanted list. "The FBI has a long history of going to war against one-cell organisms. We stopped Al G. Capone, and we will stop Algae Green," said Katel.
"O' great Stick God, we summon thee. In memory of our dear departed friend Cricket, we ask thy great one to unleash a lightning bolt of botox directed at you know who. Dog's speed."
I have the 4th largest collection of personalized orange golf balls in the tri-state region. The best thing about living along a golf course is living along a golf course. Green. Grassy. The worst thing about living along a golf course is living along a golf course. Lots of assholes. Mean. Assy.
I tried the Dilberito. It was Scott Adams' burrito creation of soylent green chiles and vitamins. Adams departed this mortal coil today. Spoiler: he morphed into a cruel creature. Part of Adams is still in me--my intestines have been unable to process that Dilberito.