Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective

@neilwillcox

Poet, Writer, Jack Of All Trades

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Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· 1d

Monster Of The Week 334 is A/BTesting, might be loud might be soft, loves to test hates to be tested, thinking of a career change maybe get into teaching or something.

Crudely drawn humanoid figure, hair short on one side, long the other, twisted mouth smiling and grimacing on different ends, one hand thumbs up, one thumbs down

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· 7d

Two volumes of an anthology Witches Save The World came out this week. eternalhauntedsummer.com/gorgons-gaze...

Banner for the two Witches Save The World anthology volumes, with the covers of Covens, Cauldrons, and Courses Gone Right and Hags, Harridans, And Hexes Gone Right.

The blurb between says:

Witches who speak, who act, who do what must be done - because someone has to save the world

Available now in print and digital formats at online retailers and your local library

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· 8d

Monster Of The Week 333 is ShipWrong, implied by the existence of shipwrights, they mostly float and what more can you ask, lives a long way inland despite the commute, can't stand living by the sea.

A crudely drawn one masted sailboat with a jaunty flag, that is the head of a creature with a long thin body and appears to be sitting with legs splayed, toddler style

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· 15d

Monster Of The Week 332 is Hairdress, probably best to wear a slip under this, well the barber got a new sweeper and when the hair products spilled it came to life, modelling at fashion week.

An A-line short-sleeved dress shape that has a human hair texture

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· 19d

(Previous version)

On the left a pencil sketch of Cthulhu, by H P Lovercraft. On the right a sketch of of the steam yacht Alert. It is captioned:

Who Would Win

Cthulhu

Or A Medium Sized Steam Yacht

(This a reference to the climax of the short story The Call Of Cthulhu)

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· 19d

Very well

On the left a pencil sketch of Cthulhu, by H P Lovercraft. On the right a sketch of Mickey Mouse steering Steamboat Willie, in this case a 2024 picture celebrating the cartoon entering the public domain. It is captioned:

Who Would Win

Cthulhu

Or A Medium Sized Steam Yacht

(This a reference to the climax of the short story The Call Of Cthulhu)

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· 19d

12 months ago I posted this to my Patreon, and sent it out on postcards to some lucky subscribers. Now this tiny story of what to do when something extraordinary happens is flying free where everyone can see it.

“If it’s none of my business you can tell me to shove off but…”

“Well it is none of your business,” said Rindos. “And pass me the spanner. No the one next to it. Thanks.”

Kildor sighed, looked at the grease on his hand. “You gave up a well-paying job.”

“Paying was the only thing well about it. Stand back.” He emerged from within the machine and waved down the scaffold. There was a muffled reply.

“You left your family, your home.”

Rindos cursed, closing a panel, locking down various mechanisms. He peered at a dial. “Your sister had already left me. The house was sold. I do not recall you coming to say goodbye.”

“I’m here now,” said Kildor, weakly. He had to repeat it as a machine started up. “I don’t even know what you’re doing out here at Cosmosopolis…”

Rindos hit the panel and it clanked shut. The machine chugged to life. “It’s simple. I’m testing and calibrating the anterior third stage auxiliary hydraulic pump. Then on to the next pump. When all the pumps and other systems are integrated, well. Then maybe this bird will fly.”

Kildor looked down to where men and machines clustered around the rocket engines, looking like miniatures from the height. He looked up, to where the craft at the top was concealed by two more layers of scaffolding, the whole stack enormous.

“Is it worth it?”

Rindos stepped back, wiping his hands on rag – one dirty enough that he was getting no benefit.

“It’s 100 km away. And there are answers there. Something. Don’t you feel it?”

“Well yes. But why you in particular?”

Kildor looked him in the eye. Then catching sight of something behind him he looked upwards. With impeccable timing, as it did every ninety minutes, the extraterrestrial space object passed by on it’s orbit.

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· 22d

Monster Of The Week 331 is CrimeologyDepartment, the criminology department studies crime to mitigate it, crimeology is about making it cool, daring heists, high speed chases, elaborate cons, sign up here with name, address, bank details etc.

A four storey glass slab of a building set in green grass with paths leading to the doors.

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· 29d

Monster Of The Week 330 is CakeOfTheWeek, a much more normal series, and one cake a week is hardly excessive, except this one which turns out to be over seven stories high.

A round brown cake with specks of what might be dried fruit

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jul 12

From the story idea spreadsheet of course

Needle in the doll is a medical record
Bells
The Pictish Beast (sometimes Pictish Dragon or Pictish Elephant)
At night shed your skin
Antipodes as mirror world
Suspicious Disturber machine
Shadow shaman
Tholos beehive shped tombs
Swamp Thing but cultivated crops... sort of a John Barleycorn-type beast? (dee Holloway)
Dairy Tale
Drown In Wine
Fall From Lighthouse
Dr Hemlock
write good sentences?
The Great Dog Pan
Remix Classic Jokes
The Qyvern
Ghost Bride, Ghost Wine
Undead Police must solve their own murder to join
Bee Teeth
The Swordless Stone
a guy who sucks (the villain)
Turned into a beaver because they're useful
A cursed saddle that makes you into a mount or beast of burden
Bull riding
Tiny, brave elephant
I will make the heavens tremble and the earth will be shaken out of its place
Enochian as a Second Language (ESL)
Parrot Astrology
Cybernetic Rosary

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jul 11

The (deleted) scene I wrote for the Napoleon film

INT - DUCHESS OF RICHMOND'S BALL, TEA TABLE, NIGHT

WELLINGTON

Have some Boeuf en croute Henry

UXBRIDGE

(disgusted)

It's tough as an old boot!

CHEF

Your grace, in your honour I have named this dish after

you and from now on it shall be called Beef Well…

MESSENGER enters dramatically, his uniform dishevelled

MESSENGER

Napoleon has crossed the border! His entire army is

marching on Brussels.

WELLINGTON

Good lord, he’s humbugged us!

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jul 10

Hmm

A business card reading

Neil Willcox
Poet Author Jack Of All Trades
vonschneemann67@gmail.com nightofthehats.blogspot.com

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jul 8

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jul 7

Monster Of The Week 329: Switcheroo, full of flim-flam and razzmatazz, does some fun tricks where the quickness of the lighting changes deceives the eye, on and off and on and off and on and off and on a

A pale pink wonky light switch, at the top two screws that resemble eyes

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jul 6

I can confirm Voidspace In Conversation was human made - here's the spreadsheet I made the index in (I learned several lessons about making indexes (indicies?) during this!)

A spreadsheet with a list of terms, then lists of page references for volume 1 and volume 2, then them merged to make an index.

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 30

NEVER FORGET

A title card from 1960s Batman with Batman and Robin appearing out of a cake with the caption Special Guest Villain JOHN ASTIN as THE RIDDLER

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 30

Monster Of The Week 328 is EyeFullTower, fabulous landmark, a real sight, sometimes overlooked but that's the nature of a tall eye.

A curved tower, vaguely reminiscent of the Eiffel Tower in outline, except solidly filled with blue background and yellow eyes

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 26

12 months ago subscribers to my Patreon received this not quite stream of consciousness account of a conversation I had while making food, or making food while having a conversation. Sometimes you get a postcard about growing a house from mushrooms, sometimes you get rocket science (see next month)

It looks like there’s a lot of oil in the casserole, but that’s okay. The onion and garlic has softened and the mushroom will soak up a bit. And then it will mix with flour to make the sauce. It’s time to put in the chicken, left over from a roast.

In fact maybe not enough fat, I put in two thin slices of butter.

How do I know, my friend asks me, and I ask myself how do I know?

If I am making a white sauce (béchemal) properly, it goes like this. I weigh out some butter, let it melt in a pan, worry it’s too much. Stir in a couple of spoons of flour, then a bit more, until it’s almost crumbly. Let it cook a moment or two. Stir in milk a little at a time until it’s too sloppy, then let it thicken.

The thing is, it will burn to the bottom unless I keep very close watch. One instant of not stirring and watching and I guarantee it will stick to the bottom. A second instant and it burns. I can’t do anything else, I can’t let myself be distracted.

So I’m making the sauce here in the casserole. A one pot wonder as my mum might say.

I just know, I say. It needs to be uncomfortably greasy.

I would have made this a stew with the gravy from the roast but someone stole it to make soup.

I stir in the flour. Two spoons. Then a bit more. Enough to coat everything, enough to soak up the fat. Let it cook there, almost dry for just a moment. Enough that the flour cooks and loses it’s grittiness.

Then a little milk, stirred in. A little more. Keep at it.

There’s a moment where it’s a grey brown sludge, horrid, then more milk and it comes together. It starts to look like chicken in white sauce.

And I’ve been able to talk to my friend and put on some potatoes and cabbage. It doesn’t burn, doesn’t stick.

I don’t know why it’s easier this way.

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 24

Fine my mandatory terrible comic #makeaterriblecomicday2026

A six panel comic. In panel one a fox-masked person with a pencil and paper says "Too many Make A Terrible Comic Day comics are about making terrible comics". In the background is a flying saucer. In the second panel we're zoomed in on the fox mask, who is saying "Not mine. Mine is about my terrifying FOX MASK." The flying saucer is still there. In the third panel the figure is by a hillside with holes. They say "With hunts banned my apocalyptic FOX ARMY awaits only a leader. In their burrows they prepare." The flying saucer has landed. In the fourth panel the fox figure is surrounded by aliens with eyestalks and tentacles. They say "While you draw your terrible comics a vulpine force... hey stop that." In the fifth an eyestalk fills the frame, partially blocking the speech bubble. The sixth has a discarded fox mask, eyestalks and the caption TERRIBLE ENDING June 24 2026 Terrible comics day.

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 23

Monster Of The Week 327 is WoodenSteak, no, don't try and cut it, we made it to display in the window then it came to life for some reason, really loves garlic.

A crudely drawn meat steak, red with white fat, with two tiny eyes

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 20

Oh man I wrote this, Unorthodox Archaeology, I wonder if it's any good (it is not good)

14 Years ago

A space freighter is carrying a mixed cargo , as well as a, let's say, ballet company, when they come across a derelict alien ship. On board they find it empty and deserted, except for a mysterious pack of cards. Back on board the ship the cards transform to show signs recognisable to the crew and the dancers. Several games are played with foreshadowing hands (Fire, The Spanner, Luck; The Six of Muffins, The Two of Cash; The Broken Helmet). Eventually the ship arrives at it's destination and the ballet prepare for a performance. END OF ACT ONE.

Is the ballet company's performance of the goriest ever version of (probably) Romeo and Juliet the climax of Act 2, or the film? If it's Act 2, then the film is action sci-fi with Act 3 being the solution ("Take off and nuke them from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.") If it's the climax of the film then it's sci-fi horror, in which case Act 2 is about building tension, with bodies being found and people acting weird, but keeping the gore down until the end ("It's only food dye and syrup. Why are you skimping? More blood!")

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 19

Oh yeah 7th out of 7 probable hallucinations

A results page from In The Weights dot Com, saying Neil Willcox British short-story writer, 25 strength, Claude Opus 4.5 says Possibly a British Speculative Fiction and short story writer who has contributed to anthologies and online fiction venues

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 16

Monster Of The Week 326 is Bloat, ate something that disagreed with him, the treatment is to vent the gas, no look it up, the instrument is a trocar, you stab the bloated creature to let it out.

A round, bloated balloon-like shape, tinted a delicate pink, with tiny feet and a face that seem to be being pushed out from the body.

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 9

Monster Of The Week 325 is StoneSword, just minding their own business then - SWORD, gave them sentience, arms, legs, a face - starting to think the sword might be magic, Hey! Leave that alone.

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 7

View from a hotel window

London Tube train from above, above ground, more tracks behind

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 3

Please enjoy my set of moustache stamps

A picture of five wood blocks with moustaches on them, and an ink stamp pad

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 2

Probably getting this thanks to my crime writing research. Probably.

A LinkedIn post from the Human Tissue Authority

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· Jun 2

Monster of the Week 324 is Epsion, remote viewing, knows what's happening, almost seems to know before it actually happens, hosts cocktail hour every Friday

A small silhouette of a figure with enormous binocular style eyes coming out, unfeasibly big, bigger than the body, with huge yellow irises

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· May 26

Trying to imagine the conversation in which Joseph Pain convinces his son Thomas Paine not to sign aboard a Privateer named Terrible under Captain William Death

From Thomas Paine's Wikipedia Page:

Paine attended Thetford Grammar School from 1744 to 1749, when schooling in England was not compulsory. At age 13 he began an apprenticeship with his father. After completing his apprenticeship, he attempted to sign onto the 26-gun privateer Terrible, captained by William Death, but was dissuaded by his father. At 19, he served aboard another privateer, King of Prussia. He returned to Britain in 1759, became a master staymaker, and opened a shop in Sandwich, Kent.

Neil Willcox, World-saving Witch Detective@neilwillcox· May 26

Monster Of The Week 323 is RedHot, glowing reviews, you may be wondering what is so monstrous; try putting your hand on them, warm personality.