Darren Ewing
@sadknob
scots. telly writer/director he/him/his first show: "the rockford files" 1994 last show: "mobland" 2025 next show: has penguins in't. i'm against ai owned by billionaires. i purge my posts but meant what i said. a: hobo b: chimp wi' a megaphone (getty)
"in the name of god, creator of heaven—" "wait! i changed my mind." "what?!" "i don't wanna go under water." "it's only for a moment." "i'm claustrophobic. i wanna be jewish instead." "they cut your penis off." "WHAT?!?" "yeah, so do you accept jesus—" "WAIT! what's the reincarnation one?"
"...cause if ya stand like that, boyo, someone what knows kung foo is gonna come up and go... BOOM!" "AAAAAARGH!" "—right in yer giggle-berries." "FUCK YOU!!"
"wow... you're... glowing." "stop saying that, nathan! just STOP! everyone says that—'oh, you're just glowing, beatrice!' pregnancy SUCKS, NATHAN! I'M FAT AND DISGUSTING AND IT'S YOUR FAULT!" "...no—i mean—you're head is 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 glowing—" "SHUT UP AND GET ME ANOTHER PICKLE!!"
which way do we go?" "we go forward, pal." "...forward looks scary." "so we'll go together." "okay... thank you." "you're welcome. you know you're a gigantic fuckin' grizzly bear, right?"
"MALCOLM!" "yeah?" "STOP SHAGGING THE TREE!" "...i'm not." "REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME?! I WON'T HELP YOU AGAIN!" "okay." "I MEAN IT!" "...okay." "YOU'RE ALREADY STUCK AREN'T YOU!" "...a little... uh... yes."
"yeah... you're stuck pretty good, pal. who was steering, stevie wonder? heh—well... me and the fellas can dig you out, but it's gonna cost you some fish... and one of those big nets you got." "...𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘱𝘰𝘰𝘯 𝘨𝘶𝘯!" "oh, yeah! AND a harpoon gun. you got a harpoon gun?"
"oh-my-god... i think it's a 𝘥𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘰𝘯!" "it's not a dragon." "it 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 be a dragon. some dragons have magic." "dragons don't exist. it's... some... thing..." "of course it's 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨." "shut up. i'm thinking." "...𝘺𝘰𝘶 shut up." "it's not moving." "oh-my-god... i think it's a gargoyle!"
"𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨?" "i added some bling." "𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘴𝘯𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥, 𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘵." "so?" "𝘴𝘰... 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘴." "shut up." "...𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘗𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘓𝘦𝘪𝘢'𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘯, 𝘏𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘦𝘺." "i'm ignoring you." "𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘢 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘤𝘩."
"my ai is okay." "yeah. his ai is okay." "yeah. it's the other ai that's bad." "yeah. it's the other ai that's bad." "yeah."
"I TOOK ONE AFTERNOON OFF, MARTIN! ONE SUNDAY for lunch with the girls!! and i come back here to find the microwave exploded with a half-cooked FORK inside it, andrea's covered from beak to feet in cake frosting, and maurice threw up alphabetti spaghetti on the cat because you let him TRY BEER?!?"
"animals don't behave like men," he said. "if they have to fight, they fight; and if they have to kill they kill. but they don't sit down and set their wits to work to devise ways of spoiling other creatures' lives and hurting them." ~captain holly - watership down - richard adams 1972
"GEEEZUS JUMPIN' CHRIST, MARTY!" "sorry." "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FUCKIN' BEAR!!" "...really?" "OR A WOLVERINE OR SOME OTHER NASTY BASTARD!!" "cool." "NOT COOL, MAN! NOOOOT COOL!!
"no, officer. just checkin' the tyres for...leaks." "and bees!" "not bees. just leaks." "maybe bees, though." "NOT bees. why would we check for bees?" "they make honey." "bees don't make honey on tyres, you tit." "getting honey is better than stealing hubca—" "YES! yes, and bees! also bees!"
i shot something with iris years ago and we argued a lot—playfully mind. mid shoot—needing a comeback from one of her javelins (about me being "almost as good as ed wood")—i asked if she "got a free bowl of soup with those spiderman glasses?" next day she brought gallons of soup and wore these....
that...is a tiny foot, lass. if i wore those, they would look like part of bigfoot's space suit. can i just wear my trusty old timmies for flyday? 😶