Some Richard Marx on a Monday night at the local rest area. If you close, why not stop in and say hello. I’ll buy you a YooHoo from the vending machine. Name one reason you shouldn’t jump in your car right now.

Every time I break my rule and go into a Walmart, I regret it.

Closed down Applebees, but many cars parked in lot? What goes on in a failed Applebees? Should I knock. #Yolo

Nothing more patriotic than demanding a 4th Independence Day movie. Bravo to this car owner!

I wear my Naked Eyes t-shirt so that younger generations know that interactions with me will be difficult and unrewarding.

I guess the baristas really do hate my dad jokes. They could have said something.

Some lawns become backrooms if your dad makes you mow at strange new angles each time .

I think I live a rad life. I allow myself a reasonable amount of Wheat Thins each week.

Can we all just agree that this oven mitt at Dollar Tree is adorable? (And not ask why I spend my Saturday nights at Dollar Tree?)

Maybe the apocalypse is nigh. This beetle was waiting on my front porch for me. I’ll just wait until the heat death of the universe before going back outside. Hopefully it will move on by then.

Oh, a man in Sam’s Club shorts can’t redefine male 4-way stretch fashion, huh? Guess you owe me an apology. (Also, thanks to the worker who took me out to the parking lot changing room to try them on. Got the perfect fit.)

An $11 bag of potato chips? What sort of mysteries are in there?

Tsk tsk. Police warn about car break-ins every year and how you don’t leave valuables sitting out. And yet people continue to leave their Rick Springfield cds laying out in plain site!

Despite exercise & eating right, I’ve been diagnosed with mustard knuckle. Please give what you can so we can find a cure. I can wash my hands 10 times and that spot will still smell like yellow mustard for days.

Opened up this well labeled storage bin. I don’t know what I expected to find. Some boxes are better left sealed.

Well I’m quickly becoming known as “the guy who stands in the window scratching his back” in the neighborhood. There’s nothing weird about it. I’m wearing a crop top but a backscratcher works on a belly button too.

Mom made her famous Captain Crunch fried chicken. Then I find this delightful soup leftover. Grabbing a spoon!

Didn’t think I would end up at Whataburger for breakfast and lunch, but that’s the life of a rockstar. First visits. Breakfast taquito was great and not greasy. Strange hash brown sticks but good. Burger was basic but fresh. A lot of mustard. Fries were very much like McDonald’s. Great.

A shard of soap fell from the upper shower shelf, and I scott you not, it landed in the tub on edge like this. I gotta play the lottery or something! (sorry about the nudity but it was essential to the story)

I have no proof that this hand truck with cobwebs is haunted…but you have no proof that it isn’t. (This will be part of a series of posts entitled Cursed Items at my Parents’ House)

Unscottular opinion, but blue cheese over ranch every time.

These marshmallow Rice Krispies m&ms are worth renting. Target exclusive and taste a lot like the treat. 10/10 for me.

Not every day ends with cake batter ice cream with marshmallow charms, and three candy eyes on top. And that’s a shame.

I couldn’t afford pipe for a full size potato gun, but I have this 3/4 pipe. Get me some fingerlings and I’m going to mess somebody up.

This strip mall in my home town meets every shopping need I will ever have. Name one thing I can’t get here.

“Cranberry Ice” ?!?!? Okay truck stop soap dispenser, you have my attention. I thought I was done with love. But I’m definitely curious to see where this is going.

Playoff hockey would be even better if they allowed fans to bring syrup squirt bottles and they could flavor the ice from their seats. And opponents had to choose between taking a shot or licking the cherry ice. 🍒

This is troubling in many ways. The Captain has been under fire and now this??? What’s the mystery? Last time it was borderline treason. We need to be able to trust in our cereal Navy and our safety on the Milky Sea.

To those who try to say I don’t have stacks of cash…how do you explain this?!?! A Hallmark Gold Crown sticker on each square of my toilet paper.

Not even on clearance, you twisted freaks!!!! And a grocer would do well to keep these off of any aisle I’m on.