Ahh I love…
*scritch scratch*
the smell of your…
*scratch*
perfume are you picking at my neck?
Every time I see someone post “IYKYK” I read it as Goofy laughing
Texting my boss from Chili’s why my lunch break is going on 3 hours:
Whatcha want for dinner, step bro?
That’s twice it’s ended a team’s season
Update on the new house: we just laid the footer
It’s annoying they couldn’t space these 3 words properly
“You did it, you’ve bombed more countries than you have bankruptcies”
This does not look promising
Rain in the summer: “Ahh we needed this”
Rain in the winter:
“Save the neck for me, Clark”
ME: *fumbling with remote* honey which one is ABC
HER:
Sorry can’t make it. I’m camped in the TV room until further notice.
🎶Your name is my name toooo🎶
- his dad
Taylor, look at me. It’s dangerous out there. Take this.
Shots fired: 1,285
Targets hit: 0
When the common denominator is your presence
Wake up babe. Just found my new campaign slogan.
Drop an old person you’re going to turn into in the future
August’s millionaire sacrifice was a fun one. Can’t wait for September.
Welp, time to go ahead and die.
When she’s hysterically crying because she had to throw away spoiled lettuce and you’re afraid things could turn bad
SON: dad what’s the difference between present tense and past tense?
ME:
A lot of pressure when the king sits behind home plate
I accidentally made eye contact and now it’s mumbling something about getting the hose again
THEM: You can’t just hide from your problems
ME: