"I have always found it quaint and rather touching that there is a movement [Libertarians] in the US that thinks Americans are not yet selfish enough." -- Christopher Hitchens

A successful aircraft landing is a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

Unfortunately, it doesn't fit in a skeet. Have posted a shortened version.

Economist: A discount fog.

Sign in front of plant nursery: It's Spring. I am so happy I wet my plants.

This summarizes all i know about proposed voter ID law:

Attributed to Yogi Bera: 1. When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

The pessimist: the glass is half empty. The optimist: the glass is half full. The cat: the glass is on the floor. Happy #Caturday

French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre at a cafe. Waitress: Can I get you something to drink? Sartre: Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream. Waitress walked off, but returned. Waitress: I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?

Did you say "Aunts"?

Mad Scientist: "I am going to conquer half of the WORLD! <evil laugh> Confused Minion: "Um, er, Why only half the world, my evil leader?" Mad Scientist: "Because I am a SCIENTIST and I need a control group."

I asked the librarian where I could find a book on difficult childbirths. She told me to look in the C-Section.

Dalai lama orders a 5$ hot-dog pays with a 10$ bill. Dalai Lama waits for his change but the change never comes. Dalai Lama is like: "HEY MAN! where is my change?" and the waiter says: "Change must come from within!"

This just in. Can't seem to figure out what it means. Perhaps "Don't mince words" should have been said first.

I'd tell you a cat joke, but most are dismal. They're awful. It's a cat-astrophy. Happy #caturday

How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the 7 digits of your phone number? #joke #math-pickup-lines

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. However, eating too much pie is OK because the sin of pi is always zero.

Pausing for a moment of Venn.

My dog wakes up whenever *anything* happens, and seems to be fully awake instantly. My dog is a light sleeper. She's about 40 pounds. I'm a much heavier sleeper.

Grammar: Ending sentences with a preposition: This is where the new weather system is coming from. Where is the bathroom at. This is what we are playing for. This is what they are all guilty of.

Nova program - what if primordial black holes are dark matter, with some freaky counter intuitive ideas. But real science, how do we detect them. ci3.googleusercontent.com/meips/ADKq_N...

I call my bicycle 3e39 lP - which is 3x10^39 Planck lengths. It's about 30 miles. So i can say "I rode Thirty Miles today." Despite this cool name, my bicycle doesn't come when it's called. Maybe it's two tired.

Nobody is perfect I am nobody Therefore I am perfect.

And now something completely different.

Happy Father's Day to all who celebrate.

There once was a girl from Purdue Who kept a young cat in a pew She taught it to speak Alphabetically Greek But it never got farther than mu. #joke Happy #Caturday

Q Why do fish live in saltwater? A Pepper makes them sneeze.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.

I have a time machine. I used it this morning. It has a button on the top, and when i press it, it nearly instantly transports me about five minutes into the future. I can't hit the button too often though. I have to get my butt out of bed and go to work.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.