Watching an eclipse? Be safe, people.

Please do not use artificial intelligence to design brand new viruses. Have you never seen ANY fucking movies? If you were in a remote cabin in the woods, you'd be the one who says, "What's that that creepy noise coming from the basement? I'd better go down there in my underwear to investigate."

And before he was EBENEZER he was EMBRYO. And before he was EMBRYO he was SPERMATOZOON and EGG. There’s three more unnecessary garbage prequels right there, lazy Hollywood dickheads.

Mohammed bin Salman: it is our custom to take many wives. TRUMP: Ha ha, mine too! MBS: We persecute our migrant workers. TRUMP: Same here! MBS: We imprison, torture and murder journalists, regime critics and dissidents. TRUMP: Working on that, but I'm getting there!

NARRATOR: but weather was in fact available. All of it.

My darkly funny dystopian novel "Please do not Ask for Mercy as a Refusal Often Offends," (what if Blade Runner but Inspector Clouseau) is getting less dystopian by the day. Read it NOW before reality overtakes it. www.amazon.co.uk/Please-Mercy...

From LinkedIn. WANTED: skilled craftsperson to construct electric chair in which we will execute you.

President Trump flanked by an imaginary cartoon character and a rabbit.

At Easter we ponder the miraculous transformation of Jesus from a dead Levantine mystic into a perfectly groomed 1970s Californian surfer.

Happy birthday to Albert Einstein, who revolutionised physics by disproving the theory of gravity with his hair.

“Cats may hold clues for human cancer treatment,” but unfortunately they’re methodically pushing them off the laboratory bench and onto the floor, one by one, while maintaining unbroken eye contact with you.

Finally it makes sense. Trump was three penguins in a long overcoat all this time.

Bad news. If they can’t afford an equestrian statue they could at least put her on an e-bike.

Yet another rat abandons the sinking ship and climbs aboard the sinking lifeboat instead.

Instead of banning under-16s from social media, the Tories should actually recruit some under-16s to RUN their social media, to stop them coming across as such tragic plonkers every time they venture online.

I feel so much safer now America is once again fulfilling its rightful role as Global Policeman.

Happy birthday to the magnificent Patti Smith. SCOOP THE PEARLS UP FROM THE SEA.

Very pleased to have won third prize in the Hammond House international Literary Prize. What a lovely Christmas present. Congratulations to the top two.

Whether in a school, a family or a workplace, "banter," like "teasing," is often about power and dominance. The giveaway is that if the powerless try to "banter" back, or the victim tries to tease the teaser, they’re told they're being oversensitive or even hostile.

The “hard men of Gondor” were whiny, belligerent posers. The hobbits were peace-loving communitarians who liked music, drinking and dancing, but they were also brave and resourceful, and when shit happened they got the job done. As usual, you’ve picked the wrong side, my dude.

Tony Blair is hovering over Gaza like a sanctimonious vulture. Media editors are reminded that Mr. Tony can be ready to deliver his unctuous opinions on any topic at 45 minutes notice for the right price.

A beautiful Kingfisher outside my window in Brighton Marina. I’m thrilled to see one this close. It’s the first time.

Medieval parents trying to make their kid get up and go to school on the first day back after the summer holiday.

Just spitballing here, but maybe postpone the idea of giving humans rights to AI until we’ve managed to give human rights to humans.

These are the first 5 of Umberto Eco’s List of the 14 Common Features of Fascism. We are currently witnessing number 3, especially, on a daily basis.

Typical. If I'd known we were all about to perish in a thermonuclear apocalypse I wouldn't have gone to all the trouble of verifying my age.

Exclusive picture: Trump’s envoy to the Middle East inspects conditions in Gaza.

Great news for Ghislaine Maxwell. Not only will the DOJ offer her a pardon if she does what they want, they’ll even give her a complementary designer t-shirt to wear when she’s released!