Turtle D. Magnum

@turtlemagnum

he/they/it, writer, Legal Adult, purveyor of the winds of change

219 Following247 Followers1,083 Posts

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Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jul 13

the curse of the nosferatu in VTMB is that they're actually hot as hell but the game doesn't let you say that. been saying this since 2023 apparently

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jul 5

jarona!

a poorly drawn flowery from deltarune, on a black background with white lines. he's posing in a poor imitation of the heritage to the future jotaro pose. even poorer than the original, i mean

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jun 21

first time making pizza in october of last year vs most recent time the other night!!!! progress is real!!!!!

a small partially eaten rectangular pizza with 4 slices

a far bigger, far better looking pizza sitting uncut in a baking sheet

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jun 2

for pride month, i poorly edited caius cosades to have top surgery scars!!! next pride month, you can Knever Now........

a closeup of the upper half of morrowind NPC caius cosades, poorly edited to have top surgery scars

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jun 1

QRT with your pride flags!!! (last one is arguably a bit of a stretch depending on who you ask but eh)

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· May 21

a record of a malapropism in my own writing that made me recoil in shame

* is it that you don't think he should be sleepy around?

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· May 14

i'm...... the ultimate gamer...... i'm the 999 time video game Champion..... i eat pussy like a lesbiann, & i hold the world record for every speedtrun ever made, evenn the bad onhes........ i don't Touch grass, i EAT it, like a Popato's Chisp. i once met the actor who plays Yoshi & it kissed my Perfect Gamer Feet. i get Blowjob's from Booth Babes every day off my life. and it's all, Consensuel............

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Apr 4

I Got Hustled By A Guy Dressed Like A Buddhist Monk And All I Got Was This Little Plastic Buddha

a thick, ghastly white hand holding a moderately uncanny looking smiling buddha

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Apr 4

mario enemies ranked based off of the minimum amount of force required for me to beat them in a fight

the ranks are as follows, from top to bottom:
beyond my capabilities, taken out with my 12 gauge shotgun, taken out with my car, taken out with one of my 9mm pistols, taken out with a spear, taken out with my bare hands, and taken out for dinner <3
in the beyond my capabilities tier there is The Literal Fucking Sun, phanto from mario 2 USA, bob-omb, blargh, boo, thwomp, and chain-chomp. in shotgun tier is bowser, kamek, and donkey kong. in car tier is bowser jr, bully, and dry bones. in 9mm tier there's hammer bro, koopa troopa in a car, spike top, and lakitu. in spear tier there's piranha plant, spike, stingby, koopa troopa, chomper, monty mole, cheep cheep, blooper, and ninji. in bare hands tier, there's shy guy, goomba, galoomba, goombrat, and skipsqueak. and finally, in the tier where i take her out for a nice dinner and maybe some drinks, there's the lovely birdo

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Mar 1

the other day i was stopped at a light with a jeep with a rear window sticker that said "Just a girl that loves Jesus" and i internally groaned at it and then when the light changed and we were going she'd drive literally in the middle of the road on a two lane road. like there were the two yellow lines, the ones that mean "you can't fucking pass these", and she drove with them between her left and right wheels. there was a cop like a car or two ahead of the lady and they didn't do anything. i still don't know what the fuck was going on with that situation

i also saw a car with a vanity plate that said "I LV JES" and they also had jesus merch on the back of their car, and as such you can assume that it meant "I LOVE JESUS" but i just think that's a very funny vanity plate to have. it reads like an illiterate ogre writing for the first time being taught by like a catholic monk or something

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Feb 22

i think it's probably the art/creative type questions that got me this but i'd be pretty down to be a toreador, even if i'm probably not conventionally attractive enough to be one

white text on a subdued background of red roses and green leaves, which reads as follows:
You are Toreador!
Known for their seductive nature, enthralling demeanor, and eloquent grace to the point of obsession, Toreador vampires Embrace artists and lovers into their ranks, forever trying to stir their own deadened hearts. Supernaturally graceful and charming, the Divas are always looking for the next thrill, leaving a detritus of discarded lovers and victims in their wake.

Find out more about Vampire: The Masquerade clans here!

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Feb 11

saw a post on here that was "4 characters that are me code" so here. there's an explanation for all of these but you do not get them on this Wretched App, as there is a character limit

kid goku from dragon ball, with a wide grin and a leapfrog style jump

jolyne cujoh from jojo's bizarre adventure part 6, striking a cool pose

harry du bois from disco elysium, giving you The Look

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Dec 16

niko bellic from gta 4 poorly edited to have cat ears

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Nov 3

seen this trend going around. get to know me in 9 games, babey!!!!

a bunch of video game box arts with a low effort drawing of a teal turtle with a smiley face with text above the turtle that says "10 games to get to know me by!!!!" the video games are, in order: the legend of zelda majora's mask, undertale, pokemon mystery dungeon red rescue team, fallout new vegas, the elder scrolls 4 oblivion, the elder scrolls 3 morrowind, the legend of zelda breath of the wild, vampire the masquerade bloodlines, pokemon red, super mario all stars, super smash brothers ultimate, and STALKER shadow of chernobyl

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Oct 30

still thinking about that one post i saw where it was a hot lady kneeling on the floor edited to be playing N64 and i cant help but feel like there's something raw in that. maybe it's just because it's what i grew up with but i feel like the N64 was a very weird loner type console. maybe not as much as like the sega saturn or something, but i feel like if you grew up with an N64 you werent exactly the kid going to school dances or anything yknow. i think there's something very real in fantasizing about somebody attractive being into the same things you are, spending quality time with them doing something you love. maybe it's a tad superficial but i think theres a very human desire underlying the edit, something that just speaks to me

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Oct 20

supper mario just burst through my floor because APPARIENTLY my apartment building is built with BRICK & he can just jump thru that shit like it's nothink!!!!! he seems chill though, it's just that now i have to deal with my living room being connected to my neighbor's living room so now i have to wear PANTS in my OWN GODDAMN HOUSE!!!!!

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Oct 20

BROTHERS AURA TRANS BEAM ATTACK

a screenshot of fist of the north star depicting a darkened and dilapidated city with a black and yellow sky, and behind it all a massive beam shooting straight up in the colors of the trans flag, with the white being extra wide and there being lightning encircling the beam

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Oct 3

btw, if you ever hear me refer to myself as "The Ultimate Gamer" or any variations thereof, that's not me being conceited; quite the contrary, even! it's a title i was democratically elected to by my old friend group!!! because in a little voting thing, i was voted as best at video games in the group!!!! this is of dubious legitimacy because i'm no longer friends with the vast majority of those people!!!!! but y'know!!!!

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Oct 1

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Sep 13

arckey coler

a picture of an angry looking caracal cat lounging, edited to have a 2 liter of RC cola in its paw and an RC cola hat on its head. there is also a text bubble in comic sans that reads "arckey coler", meant as a play on the classic "fanter" meme

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Sep 13

sometimes i think of something to say that'd probably be really funny if this person knew me well enough to know im joking, but since im not mutuals with the vast majority of people i follow online i'm like 95% sure i'd come off as the kind of insufferable person i'd be mocking so i just dont say anything. incidentally whenever i comment on the post of someone i dont know whether here or on youtube as a consequence of this i pretty much always err on the side of being painfully genuine as a consequence of this lol

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Aug 29

ranked nintendo consoles by how i think they'd be if they were people you could marry. like imagine them as gijinkas of the console rather than the console itself, so if i say something is "kinda ugly" i mean that in terms of vibes of the console itself and not in terms of the games themselves

a tier list with the following rankings:
a tier labeled as "soul mate" with the wii in first place, the GBA SP in second, the nintendo 3DS in third, and the original DS in first
a tier labeled as "kinda ugly, still soul mates though" that has the N64, super nintendo and original gameboy advance in that order
a third tier labeled as "kinda homely but still loves you dearly" with gamecube, gameboy color, 2DS and wii u in that order
a tier labeled as "fuckable but not marriage material" with the gameboy and NES
a tier labeled "gold digging harlot" with the nintendo switch, switch lite, and switch 2
and finally we have a tier labeled as "repulsive", which simply has the game and watch and the virtual boy

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Aug 28

man, my aunt's nephew was really out here thinking i was his age when he's balding with a toddler and im out here rocking a full head of hair and a babyface so baby as to rival said toddler in its babyness. i cannot fathom being that bad with ages, my god dude, i dont even look like a 25 year old yet, much less like im in my thirties

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Aug 21

i got poisoned and they sent my ass to The Rat Room

a low resolution picture of a hospital room depicting a chair, some medical equipment i don't know the name of and a surprisingly accurate mickey mouse painted onto the off-white wall

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jul 14

sometimes i'm talking to a stranger like on a bench by the lake or they're cutting my hair or something, and they mention they like video games and i'm like oh shit me too what do you like and they're all "Yeah I love Call of Duty and Madden!!!" and it makes me remember that not only am i fundamentally different from this person, but statistically most gamers since that's some of the most popular shit in general y'know. i am so fundamentally disconnected from so much of the general populace that it's unreal, man

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jul 14

perhaps a bit of a hot take but speaking in political jargon, in my opinion, only really serves to alienate those not wrapped up in your theory and anybody who already agrees with you would probably agree just as much even if you didnt use the jargon term for it. you're probably gonna scare off a lot more people with terms like "bourgeosie" than you're gonna get on your side is all im saying

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jul 14

the other night my mom told me that she heard the word "egirl" on reddit recently, and when i asked if she wanted me to explain she said "i have google". i asked her the context with the (correct!) presumption that it was something misogynistic, and she was all "yeah this woman on reddit was complaining about how "men don't like independent women" because the guy she liked rejected her when she asked him out and he went on to date a homeless egirl" and it's like. lol. lmao. i hope they're happy together, loser. you sound fucking unpleasant and entitled, i hope they live a happy life without you

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jun 29

when i was a kid my mom had a sewing mannequin and at one point i decided to dress it up because Why Not. i first put it in my winter jacket, which was stiff enough to have the hood stay up on its own as though there were a head inside it. then i put pants on it that kept on with a belt, and for the finishing touch i put scissors so in the dark, it'd look like he had a knife. then, at one point i forgot i made him, and when i walked out into the living room in the dark i saw him standing there, menacingly, and was genuinely fucking startled at the sight of it. good times!

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jun 8

some context for these posts: first one was written a couple of days ago when my mom sent me to subway for dinner. second one was written the night before last, after i went to a show my aunt's band was going

on the way to subway, just barely out of the parking lot of the apartments i live at, this guy started yelling at me in a way i can only really describe as aggressively friendly, telling me i should cut the sleeves on my shirt. now, today's been somewhat cool, around 70ish, and i take every chance i get to wear heavy clothes because they're more comfortable and i think i look better in them, so i'm wearing my purple flannel right now. but i get that it's still a bit warm for something so heavy, so yeah like. honestly i'm mostly just moderately bemused and amused by the situation, like the way he delivered it had no real friendly intonation, he wasn't smiling or anything, and when you're yelled at by a stranger in a booming voice i'm pretty sure it's usually a sign that they dont like you for whatever reason; but again this was n reference to me cutting the sleeves off my shirt, and telling me to be careful when i do it. what an interesting character, that guy was

guy who told me to cut my sleeves off the other day was in the hallway when we got home from the show, called me his "main man" and told my mom that she better be treating me right, and started rambling and ranting along those lines. dude's eyes went so fucking wide when she said that she was my mom, said something to the effect of "shit, you both look young", was definitely a confidence booster for my mom. earlier she asked me if she looked 80 and when i tried to brush it off as ridiculous she mentioned the creases on her forehead, which are so minor as to be practically unnoticeable to anybody not scrutinizing with the most critical eye imaginable (which, to be fair when you have low self esteem that is in fact the kinda eye you'd use, trust me i'd know)

Turtle D. Magnum@turtlemagnum· Jun 8

need to know what the vtm:b Cock Cola tastes like...