Vico Whitmore

@vwwhitmore

Trans man, memoirist, and mental health unfluencer who will absolutely make you worse. My writing aims to make people uncomfortable in their own heads, the way the good lord intended.

930 Following473 Followers860 Posts

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Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· 4d

I will never forget the number of CEOs who said with their full chest that the reason we all need to be in office is because if we don’t it devalues the real estate of the buildings we all work in. They really said that to a work force of millennials who will never own a home like it would make us want to do anything but shit in a filing cabinet right before handing in our notice.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· 5d

This is honestly exactly what she's like.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· 11d

Time to write something upsetting

You are dead.
You weren’t always. You had a life before this. You might remember it, maybe in full, maybe in part. It might be so long ago that it exists to you only in blurs and swirls of colors, or it might be a nightmare you try and try to scream yourself awake from even though you no longer sleep, but there is a before and there is an after. This is what happens after you die.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· 14d

Also while I'm here everyone come get your psychic damage for the day

The back of a bright red kia soul. There is a black and white bumper sticker on the bottom right of the trunk. It is loss.jpg

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· 14d

I love decorating Oreo cream cheese balls so much. I might have coated the kitchen in glitter but look how pretty!

White chocolate Oreo cream cheese balls (crushed oreos blended with cream cheese and coated in white chocolate, sort of like a truffle) with bright blue, edible glitter and sprinkles on top

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· 26d

Update: it could be a lot worse but I still think it's way too dense. Also I had to pull it out of the oven before the center was done because the edges were headed toward burnt, so this one will go back to the lab

A pie sized cookie covered in inexpertly applied white pipes frosting sitting on a dark green plate on a brown granite counter top

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Jul 19

This was supposed to be a listicle of dating app bios and is quickly turning into a list of reasons I don't date.

Is any of this working to disguise the ocean of self-loathing I’m bobbing on in my actively leaking life boat of self-deprecating humor and dissociation? No? Are you…? Maybe into that?
I’m not saying you can’t piss on me, but I am saying that I’m gonna tell my therapist about it if you do, and then I’ll be 5150’d and you’ll be single.
Too many of my incredibly hot friends have gone home with people whose beds were a nest of clothes on the ground, and I’m here to prevent you from suffering that same fate.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Jul 5

Your last saved celebrity is your therapist. Absolutely nothing good will come of this.

A screenshot of Reuben Kaye from YouTube. He is wearing a long flowing black gown with enormous sleeves and is against a red theatrical curtain backdrop

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Jun 24

Anyone else spend a lot of time thinking about how if we nuke ourselves to a charcoal grill scientology will be one of the few remaining artefacts of our species or just me

According to the CST, an entity formed to manage the Church of Scientology's copyright affairs, the purpose of the base is to provide storage space for an archiving project to preserve Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's writings, films and recordings for future generations. Hubbard's texts have been engraved on stainless steel tablets and encased in titanium capsules underground. The project began in the late 1980s.[1]

The Church of Scientology protects Hubbard's writings with “extraordinary zeal.” Copies of Hubbard's text are preserved and hidden behind fences, in deep vaults, guarded by tight security. The underground compound “stands as a symbol of the timelessness of Hubbard’s texts and as a three-dimensional manifestation of the ‘purity of Hubbard’s legacy.”[2]

The base includes a number of dwellings and the archives themselves, the latter in a network of tunnels. The base also has its own private, paved airstrip, the San Miguel Ranch Airport (NM53).

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Jun 16

So it turns out the secret to writing poetry that doesn't make me want to cringe out of my skin is to just keep writing poetry that makes me want to cringe out of my skin until I'm not sure if the poetry is better or if I just stopped cringing.

I want a boy whose kisses taste like maybe never having been loved before isn't so bad, like maybe it was worth the decades of begging and bargaining and fixing and picking and praying to a God that never loved me either and giving myself wholly to people who only ever wanted to strip me for parts so that when love like a forearm seatbelt finally hit my chest I’d know it from a punch.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· May 27

Bonus Agnes pic

A black cat lays on a light grey bedsheet. She is on her side with one foot in front of her face displaying her toe beans. She has her pink tongue sticking out a tiny bit.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· May 19

Reminder that this piece is now live on Medium and that you should absolutely read it, because therapists need variety in their work days, too. medium.com/@vico-whitmo...

“All those beheadings I saw on the internet in middle school were far better preparation for the current reality than I could ever have imagined and I have no idea how to feel about that.”

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· May 18

One of my favorite ever pieces went live a few days ago and I need y'all to see it immediately. vico-whitmore.medium.com/how-to-respo...

Get up and leave the session. Ghost your therapist entirely. Throw your phone into the forest and walk in the opposite direction until you either learn to hunt or die. Only the rapture can save you now, and no God would have mercy on a creation as pitiful as you are, deaf and blind to all beauty, squirming in your own sticky secretions. There is only one remaining path forward. You must learn to live más.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· May 15

Still working on my listicle of dating app bios and I feel like I'm finally gonna convince my therapist that I shouldn't be dating with this one.

I have a blood disorder that means my hormones tell my bone marrow to make too many red blood cells. All that being said, if you have a vampire or blood play kink, now’s the time to tell me. As long as everything you use is sterile, you’ll only be making me healthier.
Is any of this working to disguise the ocean of self-loathing I’m bobbing on in my actively leaking life boat of self-deprecating humor and dissociation? No? Are you…? Maybe into that?
I’m not saying you can’t piss on me, but I am saying that I’m gonna tell my therapist about it if you do, and then I’ll be 5150’d and you’ll be single.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· May 13

The rest of the listicle is going exactly how you think.

I just want someone who will both notice the things I do around the house and be genuinely grateful for them and who will also be excited to shove the last little bit of my 19 inch dildo up my ass on the same day, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
First date idea – We order food, find something to watch on TV, and spend the evening trying to make the eggs for ovipositor dildos.
How do you feel about clowns?

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· May 13

I'm working on another listicle because that's all my brain does anymore, but why do I feel like this would actually do numbers as a dating app bio?

This is probably a little too kinky for a first date, but do you wanna help me do my therapy homework?

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· May 9

I mean it looks edible

A pan of sweet bread/ pancakes baked in a sheet pan covered in stripes of cinnamon, strawberries, blackberries, and one plain stripe.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 30

And this one I think my therapist will want to have a word with me about.

All holes available to anyone who can befriend my cat. It will not be easy, you will be scratched several times, but I will provide Churu and oven mitts.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 30

I'm working on a listicle of dating app bios. This isn't why I'm not dating, but I should probably add it to the list.

I’ve never even turned my children into crows in Stardew Valley. I’m so pure I marry Krobus. Yes, it is marriage. You know what, swipe left, fuck you.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 26

A black and white cat with white whiskers, a white chest, white paws, and a white soul patch extends his paw up the chest of a person who is petting him

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 25

Welp, I have once again failed to find the group. There were three parking lots, and none of them were where people were meeting up, and while I do think I found the river beach, I don't think anyone there when I showed up was with the event, so I gave up. At least the flowers were nice.

Orange flowers against a background of green trees and a river in the distance

Bright purple flowers against a green foliage backdrop

A spray of white and purple flowers near a deer path to the river

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 23

When I tell you it's a miracle that I know how to cook anything that wouldn't get me relegated to napkin duty at the Baptist potluck I am not kidding.

My maternal grandmother once made mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving that were both lumpy and runny, with a consistency like kinetic sand, that had no real flavor at all. She went near purple when her brother’s new wife insisted she take it home with her. With any luck she spackled her walls with it after the holidays were over.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 19

Went to the historic cemetery today and it was lovely

A green mesh metal trashcan holds a single dry bouquet of flowers in front of a large tombstone and several smaller headstones. In the background is a blue sky and green trees.

A small white angel figurine sits in the grass in front of a headstone

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 19

Without stating your age, post your favorite film released the year you turned 18. RIP to anyone else who saw and loved this mess. (Going with a still image cause the gifs all sucked)

Poster for midnight meat train. Still image of a white man looking at the camera on a city street above another white man holding a briefcase on a subway..

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 14

I still think the fact that it's even possible to have two kinds of PTSD at once is the dumbest thing about human brains since we shed our tails, but if I have to live with it then I get to make fun of it those are the rules. vico-whitmore.medium.com/a-symptoms-o...

Background: Green oozing smoke against a black background. Text: Coming soon to the DSM VI: Double PTSD Now double stuffed and ribbed for your pleasure

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 14

I'm working on a listicle that's just all the shit I wanted to say to my therapist while she was gone, and obviously some of it had to be removed because I don't want it made public, and so

(Redacted, sexual, so cringe inducing that if I let anyone with United Healthcare read it they’d be billed for a spinal adjustment)

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 12

If you haven't bought pins from @aimeecozza.com you're absolutely missing out. Lookit how cute these are!

Background: Dove grey comforter. Item: Five silver pins on a grey and blue card that resembles circuits. "TINY ROBOTS" is written in all caps. The pins are about the size of a pencil eraser and are all unique robot faces.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 12

Three more sleeps until a medical professional has to deal with me.

Things I Wanted to Say to My Therapist While She Was on Maternity Leave
You’re a wonderful therapist, and I appreciate the referral, but what the fuck is this? My pussy is dry, my crops are dying, the cattle starve in the field. I’d rather talk to a volleyball with a face on it than this woman.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 11

I need you all to know that I got a food tray and a new bowl for my cat, hoping to solve the issue of her picking her wet food up with her shit mittens and eating it off her hands and also the ground. I gave her a fancy treat patè she loves. She did this immediately.

A black cat eats patè off her paw while sitting on a wood floor in front of a perfectly good food bowl and food mat.

Vico Whitmore@vwwhitmore· Apr 9

I asked Agnes if she had any comment and this is the look she gave me