Willie Fitzgerald

@williefitz

Mr. Lunch Writer, editor, galoot. Stories in Joyland, Boulevard, StoryQuarterly and elsewhere. Senior Editor at American Short Fiction.

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Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· May 4

you, a fool: lol 'meg gala.' some copyeditor is in deep shit tn me, wise: Margaret Gala. in the year 2026

A screenshot of an email from the NYTimes reading "Meg Gala 2026: A listers..."

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Mar 25

solid snake from the video game metal gear solid, not sure which one

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Feb 11

stephen root's character looks like Jay Sherman's dad if he ran a 70s porn studio and I think that's beautiful

Glen Blorchman from the upcoming show Strip Law which looks good as hell

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Feb 8

bongo, a one eared rabbit, from matt groening's "life in hell" comic

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Dec 31

getting a print sub to the onion for my birthday made my year significantly better. my personal favorite joke was one of their fake ads:

An ad in the onion from the national pear council, which reads:

just curious, when was the last time you had a pear?

That long?

how come?

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Dec 12

my personal fav

One man is pointing at another, who has a small octopus in his breast pocket. The octopus has leaked ink. The caption reads "Once again, Vernon has a good shirt ruined by a cheap pocket octopus."

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Nov 8

increasingly feel like Ray seeing Cartilage Head any time I see one of Musk's searingly pathetic posts. there has never been a lonelier guy, nor someone more deserving of it

Two panels from achewood. At left, the character cartilage head is shifting his skull in a freaky way, and at right Ray, wearing a turtleneck and jacket, looks horrified.

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Nov 5

bart harley jarvis for sale on fb marketplace

a facebook marketplace listing. a man in a flatbrim sits on a black and chrome motorcycle with a baby wearing a leather jacket on his lap. The price for the motorcycle is $3000. It's a 2000 Honda Shadow in Brooklyn, with 20K miles.

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Oct 21

"tattletale to main justice" you say

You clearly didn’t get the response you wanted—which was information handed over to you without having to dig into the facts of the case to craft a truthful story—so you thought you’d “tattletale” to main justice. Lindsay [sic] Halligan was attempting to point you to facts, not gossip, but when clarifying that she would adhere to the rule of the law and not disclose Grand Jury information, you threaten to leak an entire conversation. Good luck ever getting anyone to talk to you when you publish their texts.

From the SNL skit "Main Justice": Jason Sudeikis, dressed as a sort of Colonel Sanders judge, with Jaime Foxx wearing a bailiff's uniform and wild Jheri curl. They are in a courtroom staring at an unseen defendant.

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Oct 16

children don't like the vehicle

screenshot from the simpsons where the very tall man is driving a tiny car. nelson is in the background, about to laugh at him.

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Oct 2

shot from beavis and buthead. beavis is crying in front of a gravestone that reads: here lies beavis. he never scored

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Aug 13

correct

text results of this ESPN bot reading,
"You are: Woeful
Your prediction: Woeful"

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Aug 1

"Put it in H!"

A scene from the simpsons: Homer is in a tiny car with a fly for a hood ornament, from a country that no longer exists. The car dealer is behind him pushing the car and shouting "put it in h!"

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Jul 28

weird enormous baby from Akira, there's a guy standing in front of it covering his face with his arm

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Jun 17

my big takeaway from the Finals is that every time they cut to Mark Daigneault, he's making the face of a guy looking up at a grocery store aisle guide. OK Mark, aisle 7 has Inter...national foods. Aisle 8 has asian foods tho she wants soba noodles so would those— god damn it Are they pasta?

mark daigneault looking up and wondering why they'd put the paper towels and the toilet paper in different aisles if they're basically the same thing

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Jun 16

I think this is just gonna be my go-to response whenever anyone talks about AI to me

Homer Simpson saying "I sleep in a big bed with my mind."

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Apr 25

here's one I got this morning. Like, I'm not trying to do a goof here, asking "how many pebbles can I eat." This is a normal ass question that it completely beefs. unbelievably shitty product.

A google search result for the question "what allergnes are high today in NYC"

The answer is "In New York City, April 24 2025, ragweed pollen is high, while mold and ragweed pollen are low." the two phrases with "ragweed pollen" in them are highlighted.

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Apr 23

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Apr 18

Matt Yglesias, soon:

Mr Burns on the balcony, Smithers beside him looking nervous. Text overlaid say "I would specifically say that clinging to due process rights of people making asylum claims..."

Also Mr Burns, now wearing a fake mustache. Text says "Hello my name is... Ttam. Yes, that will do. Anyway, I say Yglesias makes some good points!"

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Apr 18

Hiram Clarke Hustler - Futuristic Space Age Remix is sick, too. chopped and screwed "I Gots to Ball"... like god damn

The cover of Viper's Hiram Clarke Hustler remix album

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Apr 16

Today is my dad's 75th birthday. One of my favorite shots of him, taken by my brother. On the phone today he told me a new (to me) joke: "what did the two male giraffes say when they walked into the party? we brought the high balls"

my dad sitting with his legs crossed in front of a large pillar. he's looking at his phone, wearing a beanie and a black overcoat

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Apr 16

this man is a pretender to the throne. may I introduce you gentlemen to the once and future king:

A black truck with a "DISGUSTED DADS" decal on the windshield. the license plate says "DADSMATR"

A side view of the same truck. there is a decal that says #dadsmatter and another decal of a smiley face giving two middle fingers. below it are the words "family court"

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Apr 10

Milhouse from the simpsons grimacing in sadness

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Mar 26

Homer Simpson smiling. Text over it reads "It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography"

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Mar 14

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Feb 25

there is not a single AI product that is 5% as impressive as the Zeroll ice cream scoop i bought recently. I feel like god almighty when i use this thing

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Feb 10

learning a lot about soup

screenshot of a ludicrous soup recipe, which reads as follows:

Fun facts about Chicken soup
Here are some historical facts which you can share with your loved ones during the dinner.
Chicken soup is everyone’s well-known dish. No matter where you go, chicken soup is the meal that you can find.

But did you ever wonder when humans invented the soup? How did they come to the idea to make it?

The history of soup is a very long one. Archeologists connected the first soup with the making of clay pots. In the event of making clay pots, people had all the requirements of cooking the soup. And that magical moment happened in 6000 BCE in Mesopotamia.

How did they come to the idea of how to make a soup, archeologists don’t have an answer. It could be that they wanted to have something liquid to eat so that they could avoid being dehydrated. Or they were experimenting with clay pots, and making the soup was a successful and delicious result.

However, archeologists find a few details of the first soup. It was a soup with meat, and they used hippopotamus.

In light of the history of soup, the first soup was made in 6000 BCE, and it was made from a hippopotamus. Since that event, soup has become one of the most important parts of every cuisine, and evolved. Nowadays there are transparent and thick soups. Also, there are versions with meat, only vegetables, or a mixture of meat and vegetables. We can’t forget that some soups are made from fruits.

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Feb 7

me when someone reccomends Balatro or Slay the Spire:

Tim Meadow's character from "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" from the scene where he says "you don't want no part of this shit, Dewey"

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Feb 6

the children of millennials in a few years:

kevin mcdonald from Kids in The Hall's "Daddy Drank" skit. he's wearing blue and white striped pajamas. A subtitle reads "Daddy posted"

Willie Fitzgerald@williefitz· Jan 16

nice try. that is a Cube