This is absolutely frying my brain. His name is Ebenezer Scrooge. The fuck are you on about? My head’s gone.

Feels about right.

[Roger Moore voice] "Speaking of personal hotspots..."

“Two for 10M?”

Just walked past this school. “Anchored in Christ” is sensationally Chris Morris.

The boys call me Alexander, but the ladies know me as

Made one of the best saves of my life yesterday (albeit my back’s so stiff today I can barely walk)

This went mental on X, but I’m blasted in a pub with my football team so I couldn’t care less about Elon’s stupid website xxxxx

Good lord did I misread that.

Bring back Sepp Blatter. Now there was a face you could trust.

Today, not only have I learned that John Maynard Keynes was a top shagger, but that his list of sexual partners would make brilliant names for racehorses in The Day Today.

🎶 I get up when I want Except on Wednesdays When I produce a hygroscopic mucus coating my entire body to protect me from predators through what is known as

“ONE MUST ALWAYS CHOOSE THE LESSER OF TWO WEEVILS!!”

I’ve been looking at this for several minutes now, and sweet christ I still have absolutely no idea what it means.

1. the French frigate Acheron in our sights 2. the weather gauge 3. damn fine gunnery 4. a flightless cormorant 5. after all, Surprise is on our side

“Robert, vot I steel do not understand is vhy your muzzer left you alöne wiz all zose firevorks?”

10 years today since I left university. Hate my job. Don’t own a home. My student loan’s over £68k and rising. But at least I have this - the one and only photo of that final, glorious, resplendent, Arcadian, halcyon day.

Not sure you’ve fully understood the film, lads.

RIP Princess Diana, you would have loved Andy Burnham’s colossal son.

Sweet Christ, pls spare a thought for me doing my Improvised James Bond Film tonight, in 33 degree heat, in a small black box theatre, in a thick woollen roll-neck spy jumper ☠️

Saw the clip of Burnham and Balls playing footy. Reminds me that Ed Balls and I once played midfield - I the lumbering oaf, he the elegant playmaker. He was charming - until I misplaced a pass and he screamed “ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?” Weird vibe after. I found a photo to prove it wasn’t a fever dream

Honest to god thought he said “Prince Andrew is coming on”

Promises are made, promises are broken.

Huge news for Captain Hook fans

Finally, something’s gone that kid’s way

Again, I can’t foresee any problems here. Haters, just face it: this guy’s never had a single bad idea.

Me when football commentators insist on pronouncing it “Türkiye”

Everything reminds me of her 💔

Yes he’s now a trillionaire, but literally the only thing this man cannot buy is to be funny.