beelzebarb

@beelzebarb

Native Floridian. Team Tampa Bay. Elderest of millennials. Collector of cats, ankle sprains, and marginally insane hobbies. Book nerd. Sports nerd. All-purpose nerd. World's Okayest Beer League Racecar Driver. She/her.

1223 Siguiendo494 Seguidores1895 Publicaciones

Bluesky

¿Es tu perfil?Reclámalo y beelzebarb.dirty.social es tuyo.Reclamar perfil

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· 21d

The face on this lad 💀

A scruffy gray and white cat sitting on the street stares into the camera with a withering look on his face. I feel disrespected just looking at him, but that's ok, I probably deserve it.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· 25d

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· 28d

1 point better than my previous record! (I am the one with 108)

A scoreboard from a game of bowling. The final scores are as follows:

Alex: 100
Coll: 116
Raid: 79
Me: 108

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Jul 12

Well actually, women have been revealing for eons how gynecological pain has normalized, but I'm super glad for all the dudes who figured it out by following the long road to adoption instead of just fucking listening to us

A new device promises less pain during cervical procedures. Its long road to adoption reveals how medicine has normalized gynecological pain.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Jun 26

I want my breakfast frittata but Harald has deployed weapons grade cuteitude to break down my defenses, send help @darthbluesky.bsky.social

I am sitting down with a paper bowl in my lap. In the blurry foreground of the photo you can see my leg and most of the hotel with a small spinach and egg frittata. In front of me, a salt and pepper bearded dog with a giant boopable snoot is sniffing my food and giving me Bambi eyes to guilt me into sharing. It's kinda working.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Jun 23

Dome sweet dome #RaysUp

A zoomed out photo of an indoor ballpark. The roof is lit up in a way that looks almost like tie dye.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Jun 9

A meme with a conversation between a cartoon bearded man in a in MAGA hat and regular-looking dude.

MAGA dude: I'm a Republican.
Regular dude: Me too!
MAGA dude: Which state are you from?
Regular dude: Ireland!
MAGA dude, running away: OH SHIT!
Regular dude, now dressed like a provo: COME OUT YE BLACK AN' TAN!

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· May 28

Post your warning sign.

A sign on a metal post at what appears to be a mini golf course.

It says THIS HOLE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Apr 27

A screenshot from an episode of Kimmy Schmidt. Titus, a bald Black man, is wearing a blue and red hockey jersey that looks like a Rangers uni except instead of a team, it says SPORTS diagonally. He has his hand on his heart, looking stressed out.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Apr 20

tfw when you are definitely winning a War, BY A LOT

A cropped screenshot of a Truth Social post that says

Donald J. Trump
@realDonald Trump
I'm winning a War, BY A LOT

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Mar 17

tfw you had to borrow your 13-year-old nephew's snazzy baseball sunglasses and now look like a giant doofus

A selfie of me sitting in the passenger seat of a car. My hair is haphazardly piled on top of my head. I am wearing a pair of sunglasses with a weird, futuristic shape and reflective lenses that look either blue or purple depending on the angle. My lips are pursed. Three of my fingers partially cover my mouth. There is a bandaid on one of them because somehow I sliced it with a fucking measuring tape. Who does that??? Oh, right. Me. I do that.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Feb 26

A pi chart titled Things You Love.

On the left is a legend indicating that the color blue represents "to see it"

The chart is 100% blue.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Feb 22

Most of the stuff I came into your replies to say has already been covered by others, so I'll just add this - congratulations on being the first person whose divorce announcement actually made me genuinely laugh. This is a good sign for the future. Yours, not mine. You got this.

A drawing of a very small, pink potato on a plain beige background. Above the potato, handwriting-style text says "I am a tiny potato And I believe in you" and then underneath, in all caps, it says "YOU CAN DO THE THING."

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Feb 6

I almost felt sorry for the ref stumbling through the announcement of the penalties, and I *never* feel sorry for refs.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Jan 12

I recently encountered a Dramatis Personae section at the beginning of a book and I swear I heard angels singing. (Also, I'm including the image here so I could add alt text)

THINGS TO BRING BACK IN BOOKS:

Chapter titles

Actually having a synopsis on the back instead of reviews that no one wants to read.

Maps

Indexes of characters and places with pronunciations.

Numbering books in a series on the spine.

Tables of contents

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Dec 15

Brought some company out to do a bit of garden work.

An orange and white cat with an adorable nose freckle lying on a patio chair. He has a brightly colored leash and harness. He is lifting his head to meow his orders at me. His eyes are closed.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Dec 3

Tonight I walked right into the dreaded Mom Burn. Be careful out there, folks.

A screenshot of a text exchange.

Text from me says "Lloyd and I are at the Independent and I JUST GOT CARDED"

The response from my mom says "Lolol. Must be dark in there."

My reply is "...I don't know what I expected"

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Nov 23

Me: I've been driving in Florida for almost 30 years. Nothing can surprise me. Florida drivers:

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Nov 23

I can't tell if my fortune cookie is giving me a compliment or a sick burn

A small slip of paper from inside a fortune cookie that says "No one can compete with you on being you."

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Nov 21

Somebody decided to have a go at the yarn barf while I was in the shower

A fluffy black cat sits on a bed with his back feet up in the air. He has wrapped himself in bright blue yarn. He looks startled.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Nov 15

Some personal news 🍍😎

A ripe yellow pineapple with lots of floofy green leaves sitting on my kitchen counter

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Nov 12

The morning after Halloween, I discovered that I'd sent this text to my boyfriend. Look what I wrote. Zero of the wealthy, powerful, ostensibly brilliant individuals featured in these emails managed to put together a single sentence composed as well as the one I wrote while incandescently high.

A screenshot of a text exchange.

The message I wrote is selfie of me, (a brunette, middle-aged white woman) taken with the camera so close to my face that it looks like I used a fisheye lens. I am wearing glasses. My eyes are barely open. I am trying to look at the camera. I think. I have kind of a neutral expression on my face. It is an extremely unflattering photo. Underneath it, I wrote "Do I look as high as I feel right now," with flawless grammar and spelling.

The response, an hour later, simply says "Yes...."

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Nov 7

Exactly this. The right wing is a haven for anyone looking for a loophole in the social contract. I also suspect that this is what really drives the horseshoe theory phenomenon. It's not ideological. Glem became besties with Tucker because nobody else let him be an asshole without consequences.

As this trend went on, it reinforced itself. How many progressive celebrities, when exposed as sex pests, pivoted to the right? How many people who’d built careers on being not right-wing then made a racist remark and built a new career in the far-right’s grievance industry? How many bosses, told by their HR departments that you can’t actually treat your female colleagues like that, turned a little MAGA?

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Oct 30

It's....pleasant outside? I don't know how to handle this.

A screenshot of my weather app showing that the current temperature here in Tampa is 71 and the low tonight is 58.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Oct 24

I posted this six years ago, and I still experience that agony every time I'm reminded that he exists

Screenshot of a tweet from @zoomiesbarb (me) that says

"It pains me to realize that Chris Cillizza has figured out how to monetize saying stupid shit while I continue to do it for free"

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Oct 8

I got him a leash so he could get some exercise for a change. In hindsight it's obvious he would just potato wherever I put him down.

An orange cat wearing a blue harness and leash lies in the grass and licks his nose.

An orange cat on a blue leash lies on the top of the garden wall looking nonplussed.

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Oct 4

I like this succinct and frank acknowledgement that "white people spicy" and "spicy" are two totally different things

Screenshot of an online menu giving options for spiciness levels. It says Choose your Spice:

- Medium
- Spicy
- Indian Spicy

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Sep 22

A Grief Observed

"For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs.

Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time."

C.S. Lewis

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Sep 17

beelzebarb@beelzebarb· Sep 16

The only thing to worry about would be hurting myself in my rush to get out the door