Hey lady in the middle seat next to me in my flight yesterday: If you’re gonna read Werewolf Erotica on your Kindle maybe don’t have the font set at size 80. Jesus. This page is G-Rated compared to what else I was forced to read. I’m putting hydrochloride acid on my toothbrush and brushing my eyes.

Opening this hotel room by explaining to the button that we’ve already hit CO2 levels that we can never come back from

Dangit Bobby, you don’t know how to dance

Shoutout to York, England for this bear hitting the vape

🎵Come on get down with the sickness🎵

*sigh* unzips pants

🎵 I can show you the world Shining, shimmering, splendid Tell me, princess, now can you see The King Kong nipple slide?🎵

The eclipse on Mars be doing a banger impression of Kash Patel tbh

Greg Bovino’s farewell photo shoot must have used a micro lens. Here’s the full image.

I take this personally but accurate advertisements in the r/Millennials subreddit

Ain’t no party like a west coast party cuz a west coast party don’t stop

I’m still not a fan of A.I. art but I am proud of this beauty I just made

Story checks out You've just died. The 6th picture in your phone gallery is what killed you.

Hobbes fuck em up

Apparently the NYT crosswords never went to college

if you see this, post a bird

Can’t help but read this new decoration my wife put out in Ralph Wiggums’ voice

Back at the in-laws. *sigh* unzipping my pants

Shift Manager: “Guys. Nobody should come. This is a fucking coffee shop. Stop edging the customer and make a fucking latte”

Bout to get kicked out of this store

She never fucking said that

Whatever, nerds at the New York Times

My wife just put this up in our bathroom and I know what she’s trying to do and it isn’t going to work. I’M BUYING THE LIFESIZED PREDATOR COSTUME WITH FUNCTIONING NIGHT VISION JENNIFER! YOU BEST MAKE PEACE WITH IT!

I present to you my newest artistry, titled “Woman Walking to the Bathroom After Unprotected Sex”

Accidentally include my wrong phone number on a Mother’s Day text and you get what you deserve.

The fact that the NYTimes Crossword says this is the wrong answer proves they haven’t eaten at the Fort Dodge, IA Applebee’s

Forgot how crazy having a puppy is. How can something SO small, who eats SO little, produce SO much fecal material? Don’t let those innocent eyes fool you. She’s a little shit machine. Imagine if Jesus was a dog and instead of turning water into wine he turned it into SO MUCH SHIT.

Talk about false advertising. I got all excited for the show of a lifetime and all I saw was someone cutting hair