uvg9 wally, newton

[NEXT] Y'know, a little bit of SELF-PRESERVATION goes a long way, Tipsy... I'll be up as quick as I can -- be glad you've got some patient guests, here... [END OF HOUR ONE]

[NEXT] ...sorry to get your BAD-END HOPES up, but it seems the WALL-FISH's aria was barely rank enough to set off your room's SMOG DETECTOR. Now I've got no excuse not to help you out here... that beeping's gonna get annoying otherwise...

[...] BRAVO.

[GAME OVER] LUCKY FISH~ AND WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SONG IT SINGS... WITH NO ONE AROUND TO HEAR IT.

[NEXT] Back to square one... Maybe just square ½... The other half being thoroughly soaked in acid.

[BLOWS UP PIG WITH MY MIND] In an impressive showing of READER ENGAUGEMENT and DEUS ENIEL MACHINA, some bullshit TRANSPIRES SO SWIFTLY that you'll have to watch it back a few times to understand what even happened. Seriously, what the hell?

[????? ?? ??? ???? ?? ????] And any minute it has been; rising tensions between your FLAILING FINS and the SWAYING MOUNT leave the outcomes of these continued PNG SLIDESCAPADES up in the-- Huh?! What the fuck??

[GSJDSHKDHDMDBZMSHSLWEJLOELEASEN20173P29QMAQLQ028WWKEU3OWNDW9WOJ4HRR83OWMXB3WO3I29WJDNEO33JRNR9ZJRN3O3FNR8WKWN2W9QKSHSOQKQWIWPWENDIRO3NFJR393KENDIRO3WJDDJRKDBEIEJEKS KEYBOARD SMASHING TO STALL SJSHEKEHEOQI2O3U3OEDBEI3HEOSJJSJAHSLSBXKEBAMSBDKSSHSKZHXMEJSNSGALABSMDHRMSBSSKDGDNDBSMXBXKDBSMABSKDBX] ...

[REALIZE THAT MEALS SHOULDN'T MOVE YOU LIKE A SUIT THAT THEY SHOULD STAY AS MEALS AND SETTLE DOWN] You've tired of your owner's playful RELUCTANCE TO SUCCUMB TO YOUR GUTS, and hope that gulping something like your HEAVY TROPHY MOUNT will squish them into a loving submission... Any minute now...

[DEFEND YOUR OWNER FROM BEING CONSUMED BY THE SONG FISH. WITHOUT HIM YOU HAVE NO MORE AWESOME JOINTS TO SMOKE.] The pig sits there, laissez fairely, largely indifferent to Tipsy’s TRIBULATIONS. It bears no owner, as that is the wrong animal, and gets its AWESOME JOINTS from SOMEONE ELSE ENTIRELY!

[HOLY SHIT IS THAT PIGGY BANK SMOKING A WEED] Yes, it is, though don't mistake it for any ordinary porkhollow -- your PORCINE TREASURER, also at an ALL-TIME HIGH, is responsible for both the accumulation and appropriation of the HOTEL'S FUNDS.

[START ROLLING YOUR PISCINE PRISON ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE A HAMSTER BALL] [SHUFFLE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SHUFFLED BEFORE!!!!!! BUT IN THE COOL TRY REALLY HARD WAY AND NOT THE PATHETIC SAD YOU'VE NEVER SHUFFLED BEFORE WAY] [PNG SLIDE OVER TO THE PHONE] Your LEVITY STOCK TICKER soars to an ALL-TIME HIGH.

[CALL UPON YOUR MAGICAL CONNECTIONS AS A CEO!!!! SURELY YOUR TOP NOTCH EMPLOYEES COULD GET YOU OUT OF THIS ONE] They're just NORMAL CONNECTIONS, but they should do the trick nonetheless! If you make it over to that WALL-MOUNTED HOTEL PHONE, you'd be as good as freed.

[READJUST POSITIONING! TRY TO SIT UP!! REGAIN THE HIGH GROUND!!!] It's good to be back in your DEFAULT STANDING POSITION.

[NEXT] You'd love to prove your SINGING PROWESS with a brutally efficient, BELCH-RIDDEN BALLAD right now, but this is the type of battle that can only be won with love, patience and METICULOUS GASTRIC ACID... Anyway, what's your glub-BLUBBER-TO-BE squirming about in there?

[NEXT] Because how were you expected to know what OFF-KEY meant without it?! Your ERUCTATIONS -- a synonym (which you've always known) for your lovely a cappellas, of course -- are never not perfectly tuned, and you find the notion of the contrary GENTLY INSULTING!

[MATCH TIPSY IN A BELLOWING SET OF ERUCTATION! EVEN IF OFFKEY FOR A WHILE, IT'LL SETTLE YOUR STOMACH ALL THE SOONER] Contemplating retaliatory action following your owner's GASEOUS OFFENSIVE, your GLUBCONSCIOUS COMMANDS YOU with UNFAMILIAR VOCABULARY!! You academically refer to your FISHTIONARY...

[ASSESS TIPSY'S NEW STATUS AS YOUR BELOVED FISH FOOD!] YOU'D BE ABLE TO BETTER APPRECIATE AND PROCESS YOUR PERFECTLY HEAVY, LOVELY AND RELATIVELY SPHERICAL MEAL IF THEY STOPPED DOING WHATEVER THIS IS!! GLUB!! BLUB!!

[SQUEEZE DOWN ON YOUR GUT REALLY HARD AND BELCH HARD ENOUGH TO GET THE FISH OFF YOU] Youse urp, in a maneuver that may be considered TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, but relieving some of that built-up pressure feels quite nice, at least... Something to drink would also help.

[NEXT] ...the diplomatic nuances of which are completely lost on that selfsame wall-fish. It seems to wholly lack a WILLINGNESS TO COMPROMISE, which is a crucial skill for the LEADERSHIP ROLE its soon to usurp!

[GIVE THE FISH BELLY RUBS AND CONVINCE IT TO LET YOU USE IT LIKE SOME KIND OF FISH SUIT] The TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR of SURPRISINGLY LIFELIKE STOMACH ACID lends some credence to symbiosis being RELATIVELY PREFERABLE, ACTUALLY! You give your prospective new home a placating deep tissue massage...

[NEXT] PREY-DICTABLE.

[NEXT] You really should've seen this FISH-STUCK SITUATION coming, though, considering it was scheduled out well in advance, and that instinct of PUNCTUALITY still hasn't been drained from your gut! God, you hate being this PREDICTABLE.

[CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG, BUT IM FAIRLY CERTAIN YOUVE ALWAYS BEEN IN THERE.] No, you think you would've noticed if that were the case!

[CONSULT POSSIBILITIES OF SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIP] The power dynamics of that would be TERRIBLY PROBLEMATIC! For starters, you're the CEO of a MULTI-THOUSAND DOLLAR HOTEL CHAIN, while the fish is YOUR WALL ORNAMENT and ANIMATELY DIGESTING YOU. How'd you end up here again?

[WISTFULLY BUT WORKFULLY IMAGINE WHAT THE CEO (CHIEF EATING OFFICER) IS GETTING UP TO RIGHT NOW.] There's only one part of this card that you really care about, though... If this interview goes well, you'll be seeing so much more of TIPSY SECONDING...<3

[NEXT] For good measure, you flip to the back of the ID, filled to the brim with sweat-proof CORPORATE COPY, and begin to study up on your place of work... You're glad they included images, but the font scaling definitely could've used some work!

[THAT SURNAME LOOKS LIKE A CAPTCHA TO ME!] Yes, that's right! Your full name is BAXTER CAPTCHA, which you verify by flashing a sufficiently sweat-proof COMPANY ID! You work for a PARTICULARLY-APPETITE DRIVEN HOTEL as a DOORMAN, though in a mere kwartier that might just change...

[HAPPEN UPON A DIEGETIC EXCUSE TO DIVULGE YOUR NAME TO THE LOVELY AUDIENCE AT HOME] You palm tight your ticket to work with your name emboldened on it: BAXTER! Your name is BAXTER, with a surname to boot, though your MOUSE SWEAT has rendered it illegible -- mind clearing it up for any PRYING EYES?