Rockin’ Riker

@rockinriker

Commander. Lover. Chair Enthusiast.

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Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· 1d

Hey guys, I have a confession. No Data, it’s not about the pasta. That’s unrelated. No, it’s that sometimes even *I* get too tired to Lean. That’s why I use the Leanmaster 3000. It fits discreetly inside your trouser leg, maintains a solid lean for over 7k uses, with a whisper-quiet grinding sound.

Data and Wesley are sitting on the bridge, having a conversation about one of Wes’ insane and totally unnecessary science projects, probably something to do with an essential ship wide system, when Riker leans into their personal space, grinning like a maniac.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· May 9

I fully realize that it may seem counterintuitive Deanna, but if you’ve got a headache, the number one cure is a long, slow tenderly erotic rendition of Nightbird. I don’t make the rules. That’s just science. It’s proven. In the Court Of Vibes.

Riker is looking deadly serious. Why? Because he’s wearing his purple silk robe. And you know that that means. Yes, he’s wearing the robe and slippers ONLY. No other choice, because he’s also holding his trombone. Not a metaphor this time Data, write that down. Has Riker been talking in third person this whole time? Of course. Couldn’t be helped. Why? Cause, it’s time for all of your cares to be melted away via a strikingly erotic version of Nightbird.

Deanna is sitting down and grimacing. Why? Most likely because it’s dawned on her that she’s never truly experienced Nightbird performed in this fashion. Yes, it’s me, Riker. I’m narrating in real time.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· May 14

My plan? It’s simple, Data. Despite my best efforts, the Ambassador has, once again, restored their yacht. So this time, the gloves are off. Or on, I should say. Hence my outfit, Data. I am going to infiltrate that yacht, sail it out to sea and BLOW IT THE HELL UP. No, you don’t have to thank me.

Riker has a very serious expression and is wearing a full sailing Captain’s outfit with very, very wide shoulder pads. His beard is immaculate. He’s ready for action.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Nov 25

So there I was Bev, barnacled to the hull of the Ambassador’s new yacht like some kind of sea creature. Did I need to start at 0600? Of course. Blending into the boat took time. Once nightfall came I was ready. Or so I thought. You see, I hadn’t counted on my chest skin and hair sticking to the side

Riker is in the med bay. Dr Crusher is examining him. Riker has his shirt open. Is it necessary? No, Crusher can absolutely scan through the shirt. Did it need to be done? Absolutely. Riker knows that if he contains his musk inside of clothing for too long, it becomes…..unstable. Anyway he has a small bruise on his chest.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Nov 22

Hey kids, any Friday plans? There’s kind of a four loko & cheeseballs vibe going on tonight, am I right? That reminds me, Data, drop whatever you’re doing and find out everything you can about the possibility of a fifth loko. No Wes, I’m deadly serious. If it’s out there, we need to find it.

Commander Riker, Data and UGH, Wesley are on the bridge. Riker is grinning like a maniac. Is he leaning? Of course he is. Data and UGH, Wesley are seated, so he’s got both a captive audience and a tactical advantage this way. It’s no accident. The man didn’t get where he is by playing it safe.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Jul 11

Ok so Todd, can I call you Todd? Your name’s Bill? No, you’re much better as a Todd. Trust me. Anyway Todd, there I am, stapling myself sideways to a tree 50 meters off the ground—why? Why NOT, Todd? That’s the question. And the answer! Anyway hurry up patching my uniform woudja? I’ve got a thing.

Commander Riker is standing, confidently, with his hand on his hip all sassy-like, wearing sunglasses and grinning like a maniac. Is he leaning on a wooden table? Obviously. A person in civilian clothes is kneeling down attending to the waistline of his uniform. And you know it’s not the first time. No, this person has seen things. Things that would make a lesser human question their own existence. But hey, it’s a union gig.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Jun 13

WOW this kimchi is DELICIOUS I tell you CHOMP I can’t get enough GULP of this delicious—what’s that? This is the Ambassador’s delegation? I see. So. Can you pass the soy sauce or

Riker is using some kind of cuter space spork to shovel…..something? Into his gaping maw with a huge amount of gusto. Hes clearly enjoying this. Almost too much. He might be in pain, that’s how much. His eyes are closed in rapture. Or, again, it might be terror. Hard to say.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Apr 20

Listen Miles, we’ve been sitting here, talking like a couple of regular fellas. But if I see you coming around the corner of the ship? If I gotta choose between you and some poor sap who hasn’t heard NIGHTBIRD performed in its entirety? Brother, you better believe I’m pulling out my trombone.

Riker and Miles O’Brien are sitting at the bar in Ten Forward. Riker is looking down at his drink with a seriousness. Miles looks sad, or possibly constipated. It’s hard to tell. They’re drinking some kind of brown liquid.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Apr 14

What’re you two talking about? Is it seducing the pants off a mannequin? Because that’s definitely possible. Trust me. I’ve DONE the research. For science. Obviously it was a double blind study. Followed by several more studies. What I’m saying Sir is that, should a mission require it, I am totally

Data is sitting at his station on the Bridge, while Picard is next to him. Riker has chosen this moment to lean between them. Does he have his leg up on Data’s console? Obviously. Did he just accidentally launch a torpedo at the visiting delegates ship? Couldn’t be helped. Data tractor beamed it away anyway. Data has been through this before. He’s looking down at his console. Sure, he can’t feel emotions, but this is the 900th time this week that Riker has stepped on his console. Even Androids have limits. He’s trying to work it out in his paintings. Meanwhile Picard is standing with his mouth open, interrupted in the middle of….what was he talking about? Now all he can think about is Number One lumbering at mannequins. And he’d be grinning like a maniac the whole time too. Maybe it’s a “gotta polish my saddle” type of day today.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Apr 2

Hey there. Guess who’s making you dinner tonight? That’s right, it’s me. Oh, the menu? It’s simple. Creamed corn, breads, pasta salad, a cup of noodles, chocolate ice cream, and champagne. The twist? I’m not only your chef, I’m your table.

Riker is wearing a chef’s uniform. He’s giving a look that could melt the pants off of even the most reserved Admiral. The man has musk. That can’t be denied. You can almost sense his dense nest of chest hair, straining against his uniform. We can safely assume he’s not wearing the bottoms of the outfit. Seems like he’d probably be wearing Doc Martins though. It’s a vibe.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Mar 31

Don’t worry, Sir. Are we stuck on the lift? Yes. Comms down? Yep. Limited amount of air? Absolutely. Should we establish a pee corner? I just did. Was it too soon? Maybe. Am I going to establish a separate poop corner? Absolutely. That leaves us with a corner each! Plenty of room until they find us

Riker and Picard are in the turbolift. Riker is gazing upwards, as if thinking or troubleshooting. Picard looks absolutely deflated.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Mar 27

Now you listen to me, Ensign. I don’t give a DAMN if it’s 0300, I’m wearing my silk robe and playing Nightbird on my trombone. Could I wait? Yes. Will I? No. Must I do it in Ten Forward? Probably not. Am I going to? Absolutely. Do I need to patch it into the coms? No. Will I? You bet your life.

Commander Riker is wearing his blue silk robe. He’s holding his trombone. And he’s pissed off. Why? Because the man has a GIFT, and an ensign is asking stupid questions. To truly understand Nightbird, you’ve got to practice. And you don’t choose when you practice, or for how long, or where, Nightbird chooses. Listen, this could be a short little session or a 49 hour jamathon, do you understand? I know what you’re going to ask, “but what if there is an emergency” HE HAS HIS COMBADGE ON OK? The man isn’t an idiot. He’s a man who’s just emptied his spit valve and is ready to ROCK.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Mar 21

Alright Riker. Keep it cool. That was a professional one-cheek-sneak you just did. Clean. Silent. Uh oh. Silent but also deadly. Ok. Don’t panic. There’s no reason that the delegation think it was you. Just keep maintaining eye contact with the Ambassador. You’re NAILING this.

Riker is sitting (!!) in a chair and ever so slightly leaning towards his right (our left). His face is neutral. Almost too neutral. His eyes betray him his outward sense of calm; inside he’s terrified. No. Wait. That’s not terror. That’s the indigestion. The terror is what’s trumpeting out of his ass.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Mar 15

Captain, Geordi is REFUSING to let me use the Ambassador’s computer for my gaming session. No, no, listen to me; me and my squad are doing a RAID, do you understand?? I NEED TO BE THERE SIR THEY CAN’T MAKE IT WITHOUT A WARLOCK

Riker is on the main viewscreen. Is he leaning his hands on the controls for it? Of course. What, did you think he only leans with his legs? The man is a leaning machine. Any part of his body can lean. ANY. PART. Behind him Geordi is frantically doing actual work on the Ambassador’s computer, as the Ambassador looks on, concerned. They’ve got a right to be concerned. They know that Riker prepared for his “gaming sesh” as he calls it by drinking not one, not two, but 28 Four Loko’s.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Mar 13

Alright Data, I’m going to need the latest IKEA chair catalog up on the big screen if we’re gonna get through this night shift! Let’s HUSTLE people!!

Riker is on the bridge. He’s swinging around behind Data who is sitting at his post. Will Riker lean on Data’s console? Almost certainly. But the expression on Data’s face suggests that that’s not his main concern. True, he doesn’t have emotions, or does he? His eyes have a faraway look in them. He’s seen this play out a thousand times. He can anticipate all the possibilities. And every one ends with Riker sitting in the command chair making sounds that make Data hesitant to turn around. Even for science.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Feb 29

Listen I was just SAYING that all of us suddenly forming a polycule is an OPTION, that’s all. Is it the best way to deal with our current situation? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m just getting the ball rolling here ok? It’s “yes and” when it comes to ideas people, remember??

Deanna, Data, Yar, Riker and Worf or Geordi are in some kind of room with metal walls. Riker has no beard, so you know it’s serious. Deanna has a tired expression, like she’s been through this before. Data is standing in the background and looks like he’s perked up, paying close attention. Yar is staring straight ahead, possibly to avoid eye contact with either Data or Riker. Riker looks grim, yet determined. We can only see Worf or Geordi’s hand.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Feb 28

I’m serious Deanna. The truffle cakes?? I ate them all. And you know I’m lactose intolerant. It’s already begun. I just accidentally crop dusted those men over there. You see them? Those men are dead, Deanna. There was nothing I could do. It was out of my hands. Well, not my hands so much as my ass

Riker and Deanna are in Ten Forward at the bar. Riker is looking at Deanna in a very concerned way. Why? Because he just destroyed ten men. Do you understand how bad a truffle fart has to be to become a biohazard? Riker does. And this isn’t the first time.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Feb 14

What? WHAT? Yes Deanna and I have been having our…..party…..for some time now. Many have come and gone but we’re still going. Do you want in? What’s the password? Nope that’s not it. It doesn’t matter get in here

Riker is standing in a doorway. He’s wearing his blue blazer and blue silk robe. It’s safe to say he’s not wearing pants. He looks…..drained. Dark circles under his eyes. His hand is braced against the wall for support. His eyes have a manic intensity and his head is tilted slightly downward. It’s highly probable that his breath reeks of four loko, blood wine and ax body spray. There is a high probability of a tidal wave of pungent musk emanating from his room. His hair is immaculate. His combadge is still on. Why? Because he’s a fucking professional that’s why.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Feb 11

Deanna. DEANNA. I have a situation. The bean burrito I ate for lunch? It’s turned into a gaseous form. I just crop dusted Worf’s station. He passed out Deanna. We don’t have tactical right now. Is the Captain still talking? Good. We need a diversion. Watch and learn: HEY DOES ANYONE SMELL THAT?

Deanna is on the left and Riker is on the right. Riker looks concerned, but committed. Deanna looks like she’s been through this exact situation before. Possibly hundreds of times. There’s a middle distance stare in her eyes. Which makes sense. Think about it. Think about Riker waking you up at 0300 with bed farts.

Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker· Feb 10

FFEEWWWWWWAAAAammpPPPHHHHHHHH