"Burne some bacon". Oh, no, honey. This is slop. Please get this the fuck out of here.

Yes, I know he was trying to kill Indiana Jones. Yes, I'm aware he's technically a nazi. But not looking at any of that, this man is both my (a) style goals and (b) my hear-me-out. Bonus: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/fin...

Gonna need to buy this t-shirt.

All I need is a BLT, my scripts refilled, and Kaneda's motorcycle with the cold superconducting generator from Akira (1988).

First thing in the morning, these wealthy people check their bank account to make sure that they were born into wealth and are not a dirty poor person. 10 out of 10 dirty poor people do not check their bank account and find it full of money. Do better, poor people.

I'm sorry, is "Baird McNutt" a real name, not like a lead-in for a "deez nutz" joke or something?

"I like dark-haired women and breakfast foods." 🧔🏻‍♂️ www.guidedtrack.com/programs/2dj...

There's nothing my wife and I love more than taking the worst selfies imaginable. Thanks, Google Photos, for reminding me of that occasionally.

I get the whole "the kids are not alright" sentiment from teachers but this is pretty funny.

I have a rule that when the cowboy hat goes on the piercings have to go in. Otherwise people try to talk to me about where we "went wrong as a country".

Me: Now the power's out? Fucking great. I have got shit to do! What kind of stupid bull- My wife: There was a plane crash a block over from us. Me: ...oh. No one is hurt, apparently. But I ain't doing my monk training proud today.

This painting is so goddamn hot. 🥵 Donato Giancola - The Taming of Sméagol (2010)

Yeah, I'm on that health kick again. Whole foods only, blah blah.

perhaps that's why she wants the boots: she wants to stage a photo where the boots are stomping on her, kind of like this.

Pier 39 last weekend was fun. Got my required bucket of donuts and tried on hats with my son. 🤠

Something is off about this Camry for sale. 🤔

I think it's important to be completely honest with these medical questionnaires. Like, I'm no Walt Whitman, buddy.

It's all good haha ;_;

Amazing how they harvest jelly for our PB&Js.

You and me if we were fish. 🫶🏻

That reminds me, I need to put my new bumper sticker on my car.

I can't believe this is a real ad that was served to me. Tired. Kings.

Ha! I remember this company's logo. Joy Puke!

It's actually illegal to ask me how much this hat cost.

Perhaps my favorite post on Reddit in a while.

Oh you lol.

"Thank you for your non-poop lettuce... so far."

I don't think marketing people understand how crosswords work.