StonedFerret

@stonedferret

Gamer Reader Poet Musician Unemployed dental technician 35 Married Pansexual Claypool is God Fuck AI Fuck fascists Fuck capitalism Go Spider-Man

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StonedFerret@stonedferret· Jun 15

I didn't watch it, because I'm not a fucking loser, but I do find it fascinating that my poem "Cuckophony" congealed into a physical gathering on the White House lawn last night. I've never heard of a poem doing something like that before, and I fear I may have become too powerful. #UFC250

Cuckophony
Jan 23, 2025
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Grubby fingers on sticky keys lamenting life’s hypocrisies
As moldy, dented cola cans survey him scrolling OnlyFans.
Screeching that they’re fattened whores, he throws his soda on the floor.
Roaches spill from every shadow, grateful for a man so fallow.

A wasted life at forty-three, he drowns in mediocrity.
Expelling from his sweaty hands a book he doesn’t understand,
Goodnight Moon falls unexplored upon a sock, stiff as a board.
Frightened, weak-willed, meek and callow, he never ventured past the shallows.

Mouse stops working, programs freeze, he shits himself and starts to pee.
He needs to chat, must make his stand, who else will fight for this white man?
All must know how he abhors the “Woke Mind Virus”, shore to shore.
Gaming is his ground, so hallowed, how can he watch it meet the gallows?

Sequestered from his betters, on he festers with an impotent rage,
He slams the door and screams some more within his shit encrusted cage.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· May 6

While I try to get myself back into the writing habit, here's one of my favorite poems I've written over the years. If you like it, please visit my Patreon where you can find more poetry, entirely free for your enjoyment. #poetry #mushrooms #horror #free #writersky

Tendrils weave out from the broken meat puppet, lungs heaving for oxygen. They’ll receive none.
Trachea, bent closed and broken, left choking on dreams of a final breath never to come.
Mushrooms develop in moments as blood trails are guided by spider-like growths to the basement.
They tear at the plumbing, the pipework succumbing to ruinous forces, it bends in obeisance.

Flood waters rise as the fungi surprise the still suffering frame, granted movement again.
Sclerotia encroaches on cracks between bones, knitting bits back together, limbs writhing in pain.
Hobbled, it wobbles its way to the basement door, planting itself like a pillar, it breathes.
Each exhalation bleeds millions of spores through the hallways and air vents of Hotel Dupuis.

As dozens of travelers rest in their beds, unknowing they’d wake up infested and dead,
The fungus grew over the windows and doors, entombing these poor souls within, evermore.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 22

My DnD character spent his short rest winning a seafood eating competition. I now have a Burger King quality crown, and a sea blue t-shirt, both of which say "Larry's Lobster Shack Champion." The t-shirt has a dancing lobster on it. My wife made an artistic rendering.

A red dragonborn with a drawn golden crown on his head and a blue t-shirt with a dancing lobster over his torso. All images are added over top of the main one with the large white rectangles visible in a "poorly edited in paint" style of format

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 22

Mushrooms apocalypses are fun. Not for anyone involved, but that's on them for being characters in a work of fiction they have no control over. #NaPoMo #Mushrooms #writersky #poetry

Mushrooms!
Stoned Ferret's Woodland Wanderings
Jan 17, 2024

The explosion of fungal growth blew him apart
In a sickening mockery of modernist art.
Scattered remains rained down over houses
Of peasants and noblemen, dousing the louses.

Fear gripped the streets as the mushrooms took hold
In flesh, gravel, masonry, all over mold
Would come sprouting from eyeballs, took root under nails,
But worst of all suffered the ones who inhaled.

Alveoli ruptured by burgeoning spores
Saw those of great strength dropping dead to the floor.
As citizens fled from this nightmare come true
New townships fell under its wicked purview.

In under a month, the kingdom was buried,
As new forms of life destroyed the unwary.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 20

In honor of my favorite holiday, as well as #NationalPoetryMonth, enjoy my piece "Dubious Margins." He's the worst fuckin' accountant you've ever seen, but thankfully he's not yours. #NaPoMo #poetry #FourTwenty #Free #NoAI

Dubious Margins
Stoned Ferret's Woodland Wanderings
Jan 26, 2024

Bloodshot eyes behind horn rimmed glasses,
A low-grade toupee and the fattest of asses.
At a cardboard desk, sat staring into space,
Losing people millions, stuffing sweets into his face.

Dotting t's and crossing i's, his files make no sense,
He lost the Smith account because he sold their stock for cents.
His coworkers are fuming, sick of fixing his mistakes,
As he eats lunch with Patrick Ewing, dining on fine steaks.

When he's reprimanded, he just nods his head and smiles,
His minds a blank, devoid of any thoughts for quite a while.
The CFOs in panic mode, the firm is in a bind,
This dubious accountant tries to kick back and unwind.

The company is bankrupt, people rage at him in spite,
He shouts "4:20, blaze it, bro!" and skates into the night.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 14

Another #poem, this one about the worst job I ever worked. Protip for life: Don't fucking work in a dental lab, it's a miserable, soulless existence, living like a piece of machinery. Enjoy! (The poem, not the nightmare) #NationalPoetryMonth #writersky #coworkers #bosses #worklifebalance

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 13

0% ragebait, 100% genuine opinions Note: The Witcher 3, Skyrim, Fallout 4, and Black Flag are all fine games, I just think they get too much hype for what they actually are. The rest are, certainly games that had a development budget and were released for mass consumption.

The About Me: Video Games grid, but every slot says "Overrated"

The Witcher 3
Skyrim
Batman Arkham Knight
Batman Arkham Asylum
Batman Arkham Origins
Uncharted 2
Dishonored
Bloodborne
Fallout 4
Rainbow Six Siege
Fortnite
Marvel Rivals
The Last of Us
WWE 2K26
Dark Souls
God Of War
Assassins Creed 4: Black Flag
Skate. (2026)
Days Gone
The Sims 4

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 13

Those grid things look fun, here's my gaming one.

About Me: Video Games

Favorite game: Mass Effect 2
Best Story: Baldur's Gate 3
Favorite Art Style: Borderlands 2
Biggest Personal Impact: Mass Effect 2
Best Combat: Ghost of Tsushima
Overhated: Grand Theft Auto 4
Underrated: Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion
Overrated: Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim
Needs a Remake: Freedom Fighters
Criminally Overlooked: The Godfather
Favorite Protagonist: Red Dead Redemption 2
Favorite Antagonist: Borderlands 2
Best Soundtrack: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Best Multiplayer: Halo 2
Not Usually My Thing, But...: Marvel's Midnight Suns
Turn My Brain Off: Rimworld
Best with Friends: Helldivers 2
Best Retro Game: Golden Axe
Nostalgic Childhood game: Dynasty Warriors 3
Game Everyone Should Play: Mass Effect 2

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 13

A tale of French fries, fisticuffs, and failure. Title: Hungry Harry #poetry #writersky #food #boxing #NationalPoetryMonth

Hungry Harry
Stoned Ferret's Woodland Wanderings
Oct 3, 2023
Coagulated ketchup in a shaggy blonde mullet
Tops a greasy boxers face, much like a chicken cutlet.
The wind has left his sails, and now he's leaning on the ropes,
Desperately attempting to achieve his final hope.

Another blow and fireworks explode behind his eyes
As a portly, mustached man pours spicy mayo on his fries.
Dejected as he spectates this display of fisticuffs,
He spies a crimson hero drying in blonde, curly tufts.

Leaping over weeping children watching daddy topple,
He sees in his periphery, the referee's Ted Koppel.
Distracted for a moment, he slips in a pool of cola
And spills his precious payload on an irate ayatollah.

A new kerfuffle escalates within the sold out stands,
The glutton and the guru come to blows, start throwing hands.
Little did they know the seating’s sole support is wicker,
The union leader laughed when workers asked to make it thicker.

The rumble sent them tumbling, they crashed down to the floor,
The rattan structure following, fatalities galore.
Our hungry hero clambered up the sides of this new ruin,
The warrior with ketchup crown was lost, t’was his own doing.

As Hungry Harry hobbled through the sea of cheap debris,
He poured one out for all those fries he never got to eat.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 10

Another day, another #poem, this one about a planet sized squirrel devouring everything in sight. I hope you enjoy it, and thanks for taking the time to read through it. Have a great day, and don't get SQUAIDS (That's squirrel AIDS for anyone who's wondering at home) #NationalPoetryMonth #writersky

Squirrel? Squirrel!
Stoned Ferret's Woodland Wanderings
Oct 1, 2023

The flawless execution of immutable facts
Keep the laws of reality precise and exact,
Until two realities come crashing together,
Shattering planets, turning steel into feathers.

Torrents of rain pouring out of the sky
Radiate colors no eye ever spied.
Corrupting the atoms constructing our world,
Adapting and molding them into a squirrel.

Racing through star fields collapsing in space,
This planetoid rodent with gold carapace
Leaves ruinous tears in the fabric of time.
Dissolving the universe, leaving it rimed

By strange matter hoarfrost devouring vacuum,
Drinking the void till existence is consumed.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 9

Happy #NationalPoetryMonth! This one's from COVID, when all those celebrities were like "we're all in this together!" from the comfort of their mansions, with access to healthcare we can only dream of. And it's only become more relevant since! Title: Cancel Celebrity Culture #poetry #writersky

Title: Cancel Celebrity Culture (cut off in snip)

Stoned Ferret's Woodland Wanderings

Sep 29, 2023

Betrayal by those who we swore would defend
The weak and the weary from greed-driven men.
Selling them out for cheap status and property,
Driving them into disease riddled poverty.

Sat on their soapboxes, preaching of unity,
Shielding themselves from societies scrutiny.
“Don’t give up hope, we’re all in the same boat!”
While theirs is a yacht, this cheap board barely floats.

Sick of supporting these overgrown infants,
Their heartwarming stories all read like they’re misprints.
Rapists and pedos adored by the masses,
Their money supporting the schemes of sick fascists.

Tired of watching them bitch and complain
When real people’s problems distract from their fame.
Their drama and bullshit parade across screens
Of poor people tricked into chasing false dreams.

Live beyond means that they’ll never possess,
No wonder they’re all starving, sickly, and stressed.
Pushed to pursue this impossible fame,
To die broke and lonely, a pawn in a game.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 8

When they told you it was an indica dominant hybrid but it hits like sativa

Rich "Old Man" Harrison from Pawn Stars standing in front of a car with a group of men behind it. He's talking to the camera saying "Those bastards lied to me."

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 8

Me, who’s never handled a bow once in his life, watching someone get ready to dry fire a compound bow:

Dennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia driving his car while holding a bowl. He laughs and says “you dumb bitch.”

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 8

Apparently April is #NationalPoetryMonth, so to celebrate, I'm going to share my always #free work more often. We'll start with a fun one about spicy nuggs and humanity's desire to inflict delicious pain upon themselves. Title: Chicken Nugget Nightmare #poetry #writersky #nuggs

Chicken Nugget Nightmare

Stoned Ferret's Woodland Wanderings
Sep 29, 2023

Rubber chicken bubble bath,
Greasy chicken nugget,
Never learned a lick of math
How many in this bucket?

Counting on my hands and feet,
Spilling sweet and sour,
Wolfing down this deep fried meat
By dozens every hour.

Teriyaki, honey mustard, barbecue, atomic,
Churning in this raging pit of lava once a stomach.
Though many hours pass, a fire immolates my mouth,
Then I feel the terror of what waits for me down south.

My body is a war zone, a broken ruin burning,
Though I may never eat again, I’m bad at lesson learning.
For if I ever do, I know I will forget this day,
Once more my organs pay the price, the spice will have its way.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 7

Finally finished with my newest #horror #poem, "Presenting: The Shower Bag!" I'm really proud of this one, and getting back into writing has been an uphill battle for a while. I hope everyone who reads this enjoys it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Alt-Text available for those who need it.

Text:

He strode towards the gathered crowd, his motions ripping wires

From some nodes embedded in the treads of tightly twisting spires

Rising from the sphere of circuitry and gears set to his right.

He pauses momentarily: his skin, it feels so tight.

Wincing as the pincers pinch and pull too deep to bear,

As blood begins to seep, his sudden screaming fills the air.

In seconds, jets of crimson paint the Shower Bag with gore,

Millions of incisions leave him flailing on the floor.

His movement's growing weaker as his muscles turn to mince

Exposed to this atrocious scene, the crowd can't move an inch.

Gurgled grunting punctuates the sounds of shredding tissue

As shards of bone float through the stew of former Doctor Andrew.

Rustling inside the bag proves that the work continues,

Robots roaming through a sea of offal bits and sinew.

Finally the motion ceases, peace at last upon the stage.

All eyes lie upon on the ocean human form had once encased.

Shocked to silence, sloshing sounds are all we have to listen to

Until the head slides free, the bag empties; chaos ensues.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Apr 4

I wanna write a Batman story where the survivors/victim’s families of Batman villains band together to tear his life apart for not protecting them/their loved ones in any meaningful way and just being a rich douchebag who beats up the mentally ill and leaves some of them permanently disabled.

Left side:

Top text: Superheroes

An image of an absolutely jacked Shiba Inu

Bottom text: I don’t wanna kill you, but if I have to, so be it.

Right side:

Top text: Superheroes with no kill rules

An image of a small, weepy Shiba Inu that looks ready to sob and run away crying

Bottom text: I know he killed 284 people but if you kill a killer the number of killers in the world stays the same.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Mar 26

You couldn’t pay me say that fucking game is fun, thank fuck it’s optional.

Left panel: an uno card that says “pretend Gwent is fun or draw 25”
Right panel: a person sitting at a table holding a shit load of Uno cards

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Mar 26

When some unwashed fuck-faced illiterate in Act 3 decides it's a good idea to call you a "cuck" #BG3

Negan from The Walking Dead, saying "Well, pardon me, young man. Excuse the shit out of my goddamn French, but did you just threaten me?"

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Mar 24

Finding out you can’t buy Crimson Desert anymore because the lazy, shit-licking chuds that developed it used generative AI

Chris Evans in Knives Out telling someone to eat shit

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Mar 12

The evolution of a Baldur's Gate 3 player

A bell curve meme

Left side, low IQ Score: Some form of wojack with the words "remorseless kleptomaniac" above it

in the middle of the bell curve: A crying nerd wearing glasses, with the words "Only buys the gear/consumables they need" next to it
right side, high IQ score: A wise figure in a cloak with the words "remorseless kleptomaniac" above it

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Mar 2

OH MY FUCK KEITH DAVID HAS A JAZZ ALBUM OUT

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Mar 1

Leaked Israeli intelligence show images of the award Netanyahu plans on giving Trump for sacrificing American lives for an Israeli war

A black leather choker with the words “Daddy’s Girl” in rhinestones

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Feb 23

My cleric of Selune every time Shadowheart says anything. #BG3

Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction, yelling at someone "I don't remember asking you a god damn thing."

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Feb 19

Effort: 10% Accuracy: over 50,000

A man in a yellow jacket stands behind a tree, rubbing his hands together and licking his lips.

The bottom text says “Trump voters when they see a minor.”

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Feb 13

Calm down, it's a fucking joke. I'd never be so classless as to compare such a drunk, loose, trailer park mongrel to Lucy.

The "They're the same picture" meme about Lucy from Trailer Park Boys and Pam Bondi from America's fascist regime.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Feb 11

youtu.be/0Ssi-9wS1so My friends send me the best shit. Pic related: photo of me reacting to this in real time. Band: Angine de Poitrine (translates to Angina Pectoris in English) If you like Claypool you'll probably like this #musicrecs

Hank Hill wearing headphones with red eyes and distorted features

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Feb 10

Morons cherry-picking what they wanna be upset over is a tale as old as time.

2026: 1 couldn't understand the Super Bowl halftime show, this is bullshit.

That same idiot in 2012: you guys, you gotta check out this song "Gangnam Style" by Psy. I don't know what the FUCK they're saying, but this song is awesome.

That same idiot in 1997: you guys, you gotta check out this song "Du Hast" by the Rammstein. I don't know what the FUCK they're saying, but this song is awesome.

That same idiot in 1993: you guys, you gotta check out this song "Macarena" by Los del Rio. I don't know what the FUCK they're saying, but this song is awesome.

That same idiot in 1987: you guys, you gotta check out this song "La Bamba" by Los Lobos.
I don't know what the FUCK they're saying, but this song is awesome.

That same idiot in 1984: you guys, you gotta check out this song "99 Luftbaloons!" by Nena. I don't know what the FUCK they're saying, but this song is awesome.

That same idiot in 1968: you guys, you gotta check out this song "In A Gadda Da Vida" by Iron Butterfly. I don't know what the FUCK they're saying, but this song is awesome.

That same idiot in 1963: you guys, you gotta check out this song "Louie Louie" by the Kingsmen. I don't know what the FUCK they're saying, but this song is awesome.

That same idiot, also in 1963: you guys, you gotta check out this song "Surfin Bird" by the Trashmen. I don't know what the FUCK they're saying, but this song is awesome.

I could keep going but I'm more bored with this idea than Kid Rock is with women over the age of 18.

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Feb 2

History's greatest hero was Guan Yu, and, while everyone else is allowed to be wrong, it's just important to me that they know they're wrong.

The statue of Guan Yu located at Jingzhou

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Feb 2

🧵- My goal for 2026 is to read more, at least a book a month, and my January book was Romance of the Three Kingdoms by Lou Guanzhong. Back in like eighth grade, I was at Blockbuster with my dad and saw RoTtK Part 8 for the PS2, and said “fuck it I’ll give it a shot” and it became one of my favorite+

StonedFerret@stonedferret· Dec 3

When you think one of the shitty characters finally died but then they open their eyes