Ben Van der Velde
@vanderlaugh
Half-man, Half-beast, Half-Mop. Terrible at fractions. Have a gander here: www.benvandervelde.com Photo (c) Andy Hollingworth Archive
I have clearly reached peak middle-age, as I am now writing furious letters to the editors of newspapers. But the Jewish fucking Chronicle is publishing articles by Nigel Farage as though he's our friend and I think I'm going insane.
Tremendous work to the team at Tunnocks teacakes for bagging the Artemis II sponsorship deal.
Farage, Dickie Tice, Bob Jenrick - all big fans of the Prince of Peace, the Lamb of God, the headliner at the Sermon on the Mount are they? Pretty sure Jesus was a longer tables not higher walls kind of guy. This hypocrisy can work in the US, not sure it'll stick over here.
A shiny farthing to anyone who can tell me how much this book of 8 (EIGHT) stamps cost so my children can write adorable, wholesome letters to their grandma?
Could not get enough of this as an 8 year old. The illustrations had me convinced I was actually mechanical.
Breaking news on the Beeb: Wills and Kate are expanding their kink palette beyond pegging. Fair play.
One week today I'm going to be running (and let me speak my purest truth, also burping and farting) my way around the Great North Run to raise money for Dementia UK. If you've got a spare bit of cash to spur my little goat legs on, that'd be ace. ajbellgreatnorthrun2025.enthuse.com/pf/ben-van-d...
This is the face of someone who just ran 14 miles by mistake while training for a HALF-marathon. I literally went the extra mile for Dementia UK. Can you go the extra mile for me? ajbellgreatnorthrun2025.enthuse.com/pf/ben-van-d...
Well look at these excellent pictures of my face. Please enjoy this poster drop for some WIP shows coming to the #edfringe this summer (and, all being well, full-blown proper shows next year!)
I cannot defend Walliams' abysmal kids books or REDACTED, but this is such a stupid, scared, route one statement by the production company. Oh, okay then lads, let's just put Mel Brooks, Spike Milligan, Dad's Army and 'Allo 'Allo in the bin shall we?
I don't know enough about contemporary education to comment whether this glowing portrayal of Birbalsingh's school is a template for the whole UK system. But I do know a decent journalist would have called her out for the use of this honking great white supremacist anti-semitic trope.
I'm not even an Arsenal fan, but all I want in my life is for Bukayo Saka to whisper in my ear "if you feel it, go for it." Genuinely don't think there could be a purer experience. I could walk on water after that.
I swear to God if Man City win the FA Cup from here I'm going to be furious.
A hollow, soulless sensory playground built on the back of indentured servitude. Hallo to all that!
Read a pleasing number of books this year, of which this stack is the best. Nomads rearranged my understanding of history, Strong Female Character rearranged my understanding of people, Be Funny Or Die clarified my understanding of comedy, and Cloud Cuckoo Land was the best of the lot.
Dont want to alarm anyone, but the tills in this pub seem to suggest that an alien laser beam attack on the White House is imminent.
The last two carrots in my fridge are either preparing to star in a buddy cop movie set in 1986 or start up front for any Premier League team in 1993.
I refuse to believe that Servette's player of the match isn't just three very shifty guillemots in a trenchcoat.
I've only gone and done what I said I'd do... Issue one of the written Van der Verse is here and, OF COURSE, it's all about my obsession with The Beatles. Like, subscribe and all that business here: open.substack.com/pub/vanderla...