“if you get a dog you’ll have to wake up early to walk it” my dog when asked to leave the bed for literally any reason before 2pm:

I can tell this is a bad heatwave because my chihuahua is only demanding three blankets instead of her usual six

my dog looks like she wants a word with whoever authorized setting off fireworks

real life Zootopia ends with the recording of the mayor’s confession being remixed on social media for two weeks before the mayor is re-elected for six consecutive terms

she’s getting to an age where I have to start looking out for signs of hearing loss, which will be tricky because she has never once listened to me

William the Conqueror live-tweeting the Norman Conquest in the year 1066:

sometimes I like to remind her that her ancestors were feared apex predators for hundreds of thousands of years and then she just looks at me like this

kind of feels like a big deal that almost everyone in this documentary went unidentified for decades because their families reported them missing and the police just didn’t bother to open an investigation

no you’re right, Bianca, it was very silly of me to think I could possibly go to sleep without a dog farting directly onto my face

Please join me in congratulating my French husband on three glorious years of being married to me. It’s true what they say about marriage - when you meet the right person, there’s no limit to how much personal information you’re willing to mail to federal immigration authorities.

‪I’ve sold 14 short stories and essays in the past 18 months and racked up almost 200 rejections in the process, the inside of my brain is just a Jon Hamm Disco Party every time I check my email ‬

one time I posted a cute photo with my husband and someone messaged me that being happily married to a French man automatically makes me a supporter of the Algerian genocide

if you like my little jokes you might also like my magical realist short fiction about an elderly woman who takes her pants off at the public library, out now in Fugue Journal

my French husband watching me take a McCain Deep n Delicious out of the freezer for dessert

forced to give them the stink eye from a distance instead

I told Bianca that it’s not nice to bark at children and apparently she does not agree

got waved at by tourists on the Halifax Harbour Hopper today

Halifax has one of the world’s deepest natural harbours with a maximum depth of 71 metres (233 feet) and I would happily walk across the bottom of it for a chance to individually flip off the entire executive team of Nova Scotia Power

POV you are in the middle of downtown Halifax on a calm night with perfect weather and there’s absolutely no reason the power should not be on

septuagenarian cruise passengers four seconds after testing positive for hantavirus:

oh noooo it sure would be a shame if roughly 121,000 people living a predominantly conservative area refused to be counted in the census and accidentally eliminated a conservative electoral riding

every person with a low-grade fever who just stepped off the hantavirus cruise ship:

how it feels to report to Census Canada that someone in your household said Bonjour at the airport this year

If I had a nickel for every time the central theme of a musical was a songwriter struggling to write a song that’s not as good as the rest of the soundtrack, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice

I can absolutely fucking promise you that no woman has ever stood with her finger poised over the Tinder profile of Matt, 31, "not really sure what I'm looking for tbh", and suddenly stopped to ask herself what would Greta Thunberg do?

whenever AI pops up unbidden to try to “help me” with my writing

once upon a morning dreary while I pondered, weak and weary darkened lights beyond my door I checked upon the outage map And saw that there was an attack From angered wildlife, I am sure The power they can’t yet restore For the crow said “never more”

imagine being a remote worker in Halifax and having to let your boss know that you can’t log on today because your utility company is currently losing a battle against some kind of urban wildlife uprising

good news, everyone, Nova Scotia Power is working hard to resolve the outage and there are even more people out now

5 hour power outage covering half of the Halifax peninsula on a clear day with no wind, because fuck you, that’s why