"Patricia Routledge is a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company. Victoria Wood isn't." "I don't want to be, you can't park in Stratford."

Emotional farewells, dear. They take more out of you than a hysterectomy.

Now if you were from Dewsbury, Victoria, you'd be the gooseberry from Dewsbury.

I'm really cross about this. I'm actually hurting under my bra I'm so cross.

This programme is unusual in that it's not adapted from a well-known Victorian novel. It is actually based on some wigs left over from another production.

Did I ever tell you about the time I had to go to casualty with a dart in my head?

I was worried about sharing with a man at first because I thought, oh cripes, what if Graham washes himself with my flannel and I catch twins or something.

Now there's no jobs for young people, I wonder if the government will think it's not worth educating them, and they might as well start hanging around age five just to get used to it. Now spell "unemployment", "homelessness", and "Mississippi".

I love pictures. I love pictures that tell a story. What are they called? Comics.

"You like to come and be very naughty with me in staff washroom? Lots of sexy fun with a nice big Italian boy?" "Oh go on then. Faith?" "Just a black coffee, thank you."

Good evening. My name's Kitty. I could've married, I've given gallons of blood and I can't stomach whelks, so that's me for you.

I can never marry, Clifford. I have a terrible disease. I'm allergic to men's pyjamas.

"That's not too bad." "It is too bad. It's like a starter home for guinea pigs."

Nothing more irresistible than the smell of a mature woman's macaroons.

"My wife's a little bit tired I think." "Yes, I'm a little bit tired of you!" "When did this all start?" "The second night of our honeymoon, if you must twig."

"And what about holiday diarrhoea, Margery?" "I'm still getting it every twenty minutes, Joan."

Bob can't go to the toilet if we have visitors. That's why I can never have an all-day buffet.

"What about finding the French coast?" "I think I'll find it alright, thank you. I came fourth in Geography. Eighty one percent."

No-one's ordered an old lady, have they? No-one's ticked the wrong box in the Help the Aged catalogue?

This is my husband Dennis. Reasonably well thought of in chemical engineering.

She's from the Philippines, but she's really got to grips with mince.

Gorgeous, isn't he? Like a male Karen Carpenter.

He don't want to be shacked up with a woman old enough to remember Maigret.

Powder shadows this season come in all shades of the speculum.

Sex... sex... more sex. You'd all be much better off with an 800 piece jigsaw.

A funny thing happened to me a bit ago: I got pregnant. I don't know how that happened. Honestly, you lose concentration for one minute...

With Raymond I can go into any key I like and he'll eventually track it down.

Here's your cocktail. Don't blame me if you run out of stomach lining.

There's no emergency bell, but we can be summoned by a thump.

"It's a melting pot, Stan. We're just going to toss ideas into the pot." "It's a tosspot."