Ahkmedren

@ahkmedren

Married to Brelly NO AI USED HURR 37/acab/he-they 18+ Only, Please. 🔞No Minors🔞 twitch.tv/Flannyl_Pyjamas

70 Folgt398 Follower3.246 Posts

Ko-fi Bluesky

amateur

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Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· 12d

I THINK. I'm gonna open PWYW co-missions? I have been getting rusty at Inkscape and that feel bad. Also Pixels! I can do pixel portraits or sprites! ko-fi.com/brelly Add any pertinent info and refs! Gotta start contributing to my XIV addiction.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 16

I'm still going through White 2, levelin' muh doods. BUT when I get my hands on a glameow, I wanna breed a monster. Anyone got any know-how of how to make a beefy cat? I'm a dongus with EV and IV stuff..

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 16

'w' Behold, @brelly.bsky.social , my superduper strong and intimidating wife

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 16

ye :>>

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 16

I had no idea before yesterday that trapinch even evolved. And now I have this babbyyyy

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 16

totally fer sher OSHA compliant bleach and spider PPE

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 11

PRO! I can homph away Brelly's bad dreams and worries. Homph.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 11

a compromise. i don't draw. she gets lap. :| Everyone wins.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 11

Brelly at work. sheets in dryer. "I think I'll try draw journaling!" kisse: "yes. let's."

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 10

plamnbts

the greenhouse gang! a makeshift brick growbed with a branch and dried sunflower stalks for a trellis. the cucumber plants in the foreground are fighting for their lives. The two loofah in the background are chonkers!

The primary loofah is going strong, and sending out seeking tendrils.. a couple sticks have been placed in to try encouraging them to climb Up.

everything in this box has died. except the eternal wild strawberries, sunflower and onion.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 5

My son.. Tooled around with Lumpboy in the Castellia sewers to level my team up to lv.20 average =w= Might swap out Purrloin for a flying type soonish..

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 5

These drawings feel good to do. (:

Ahkmedren, vomiting out a physical manifestation of mania, as they emerge from themselves in confusion.
This depiction represents Ahk's mindset since getting medication on the 11th of Aprimay.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 5

Sleepy pokemons with lé waif nightly before bed =w=

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 5

This was the first thing I thought as soon as I saw this.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 4

me every day in 1997

A, frankly, very nice picture of a Nintendo GAMEY BOY(tm) with the video title "I Played Only Gameboy For 30 Days"

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 3

"Haha, the first gym is just normal type?" One fight-for-my-life battle with a small dog and a packrat later:

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 2

9PM in pokemon crystal versus ousside. God has no dominion here

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· Jun 2

Medication so far feels like it caps the highs, but the dual-thoughts and depressive episodes still wreak havoc. Trying to wrangle said thoughts to at least put pencil to paper again. Anyways here's my doodle

Ahkmedren, as self-visualized in depressive episodes; emaciated, reptilian and such, sits in a vacant haze. Ahkmedren Classic is projected behind, gripping their head in an attempt to ground themself however possible.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 31

Crushing my brain with biking again. I think today was closer to 20km than 30.. but I'll take it. Much better than yesterday's "8". Antidepressants supress the biking high, which sucks. But will just keep going until I'm back to 100km rides again. Huzzah.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 29

Brownies, cut against the grain

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 24

Tape clawbs

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 23

A lifetime, I've been preaching the same.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 23

For all my visceral, self-hating drawings. This one from 2011 has stuck around. For a long time, I've felt disconnected from myself. Or who I portray online. Because I kept trying to appease many folks. I feel like my mask came off, but it never felt like a mask to me. But it never came back.

A human Ahk, with his lynx face as a mask, falling away. Sticky tendrils that once held it fast, stretch and fade away as one identity is lost.

Ahkmedren was never meant as an 'OC' or a fursona. Ahkmedren was me in the most true sense. A body I was happy in. A sense of feeling as though I actually inhabited a form. My physical body has been severed from my psychological self for the majority of my life, so much so that 'feeling present' has always been a lie to reassure those around me. Moments of clarity, glimpses of fully occupying my body have been here and there, but as brief, passing instances.
Who I am now, Who I wish to be, Who I need to be, still are a bit of a mystery. As stability becomes more frequent and 'normal', I find myself in a world that has changed and moved on while I've spent all my energy just Holding On.
I feel a connection up there. I feel ... vacant, but receptive. I'd love to tell my past self it'll be okay. The world will get wilder and wilder, and boy will we get close to to slipping away forever. But we're here. We're us. I'm me. Whatever that means or counts for. It counts for everything, but putting a quantifying attribute to that is challenging. To say the least.

I feel closer to Ahkmedren again. I've spun through names and shapes that never felt true, and that felt like characters and roles. But I will always be me. (Kinda hard not to when you tattoo your name in runes on your fingers lolol)

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 23

C/TW: Suicide + Self Harm A lot of these are from '06 in High School or just after. Feeling lost and overwhelmed on a regular basis without any relief except drawing. But I still have a .. not fondness for them. But I appreciate li'l me's adherence to venting like this.

A young Ahk, from 2006, with hands pressed to the sides of his head. A scar over his left eye from a previous drawing (seen next) remains as a continuity that will outlive many design changes.

I've always suffered from too many thoughts at once, or even voices that feel/felt like others than my own; screaming, demanding for things I can't or couldn't comprehend.

But I never had anything wrong with me.

Ahkmedren, in the second iteration of his design, a white cat with black ears, slumped against a wall with a blood spray from a self-inflicted wound. A vacant, pained smile is affixed to his face because this seemed like it would be the only relief from the constant, daily mental torment.

I think this was the first real depiction of self-harm or suicidal ideation put to paper. When my head felt so full, so fast, so loud, that it felt like my skull would split apart. I wanted so bad to stop it. I would sob and scream into multiple pillows until I was physically exhausted, because there was no one in my life who would listen or wanted to help. This was the first time I thought of a peace.

First off, the text above was added in relation to something else, but I won't change it. It is what it is.

We have Ahk! as a dedicated lynx now, deteriorating and falling apart. His ears are gone, and the flesh of his back torn away to expose bone and blood. His entrails are spilling onto the ground beneath, next to his severed arm. His eyes are looking up as his jaw unhinges from his skull.

As I stated before, there's a great many drawings and sketches of myself rotting, or coming undone. It was the only way I could vent to show what I felt in my head. I think it was always seen as something I did because I liked it, but I did not. It was just always cathartic. Fun Fact! This is also one of the few drawings I did as a true-blue nubtail, before canonically sawing off a foxfriend's tail to graft on. Waow

Ahk, tearing his face off, surrounded by thoughts I had- and until quite recently have had. A need to rip off everything that I feel has caused me pain, or anguish on a near-constant basis. By the time I got to the writing, I believe I calmed down, as the lettering isn't consistent with my usual manic-depressive state. The lack of impassioned self-hatred by then lent a softness to the words that betray the imagery and feeling, but were no less true. I think this was around 2009-10.

The wish for everyone to stop bothering me strikes me as odd now. It conflicts with the fears of being alone also written. But it was no less true of a feeling. My thoughts were and have long been at odds with themselves, and after a bit, that pushes me into a maddened state.

I share these drawings because I recognize that I don't really drawing my feelings anymore, out of fear of worrying those around me, or fear that I'll do it 'wrong'. I share these so that if there's anyone in their teens or twenties who struggles, to know that there are places that can help, there are systems in place. But they are viciously hard to get to sometimes. You can be your own worst enemy, but you're also your best advocate. You deserve to live, to try, and to succeed wherever you may. You may not succeed in a way you envision, and it may just be living day to day without torment. And that can be enough.

You are loved.
You are definitely enough.
You are amazing.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 23

C/TW: Self Harm + ideation My family all seem to agree there was nothing wrong with me, but my outlet from the jump was always indicative, looking back. Even the Very First Ahkmedren was a conduit for all my feelings and emotions. I should get back to expressive drawin'.

The closest approximation to how it feels/felt to have a Manic Depressive episode that lasted for an extended period. This particular drawing, of horns and growths pushing out of my skull happened the night before a REALLY BAD bout of food poisoning. But the spiraling spires like bony vines reaching out has stuck with me. The other Ahk-head was how it felt coming on into a point of exacerbation that had no relief.

There's a lot of drawings I did of my body withering or dismembered. In this, there's Ahk as a torso, bones exposed and tinklin' off. I felt detached a lot of the time. I got good at dissociating during particularly bad flare-ups, and would doodle.

The Right: Ahk(me) looking at an arm rotting and festering with swollen veins or tendrils under the skin was a recurring hallucination/nightmare of decay that I just accepted as "Something everyone has", and going about my day-to-day with those problems.

A young Me, split open up the middle via a large hook, depicted hangin' on the right. I did this with the coloured pencils in Study Hall without worry of onlookers, despite the audible responses of m'peers. (It was negative and worriful.)
There's a great many drawings and sketches of me wanting to let my insides out, and a sense of need or urgency to them.

The Black Box on the Lower Right is an omission of my name, since I did this for an art studio class lolol

Ahkmedren, as first seen in my wacked-up head. I saw him as a.. vessel for all of the pain I was going through. A lack of limbs and an overall disfigurement was his purpose. Being chained to a Cross in a Christ-like fashion was probably a bit heavy-handed, but I needed him displayed in some way. He was, in my mind, an angel. My angel~! A rotten luck of the draw on who he was meant to keep safe. I still enjoy this drawing, though the original has been long lost to fire.

I feel bad, not at the style or depiction, but at the existence I made for him from the jump. The name I took as my own for so many years, while trying to shunt him back and away from anything, while still wanting him to be seen.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 23

Of all the games I can install, I choose gameboy color comforts. Pkmn Crystal, River King 1+2. :) comfy.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 21

I'm sorry to my wife for the onslaught of WWWELCOME TO PUPPET HISTORY's. But when my video options are "IS THIS CABINET HAUNTED" or Pythagoras' Weird Math Cult... Mmmmmmmnnnn Lemme see those number crunchin' cultists

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 21

I solemnly swear if we ever get access to a 3D printer I will be wholly irresponsible and make Agatha shells for game systems.

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 21

I did my best, it's in God*'s hands now. *the oven

Ahkmedren@ahkmedren· May 21

Stepping out of the bathroom at the crescendo of Take the Day is weirdly empowering. Okay, cooktime.