I know this copy/photo combo was a mistake but it’s also exactly what women’s activewear would look like if shit were Fucking up to me

Then going ah man cmon and shooting a building with a gun. I love him lmao

An innocent acquaintance to me at the grocery store: hey man how’s it g me, gently taking your head in my hands before sprinting out an emergency exit door that sets off an alarm:

awww how cute the job websites are eating each other

person: hey Aud how’s it g me, not only interrupting you but also running straight at you then shoving you into a wall: i cleaned him with a vacuum

this is a great hat to wear literally every place including my own apartment

when I see someone I know from afar at the grocery store

This is the guy reading resumes sent to jobs on LinkedIn (if the company uses a real guy)

ok I watched a film! Thanks so much

Couches should be everywhere. This is something I do agree with

mcdonald’s i don’t know what this is man. i do not know what the HELL this is. are you wearing a costume? this sounds like a costume

pov you are alive on earth

i can’t talk to my mom today (advanced Alzheimer’s) but she found a way to talk to me as usual

It doesn’t have to be a reimagining of the the mummy. It can just be a mummy movie. There could be more than one. I’d probably be less annoyed, generally, if there were. Don’t reimagine shit just make a mummy movie

If i was a sport i would be this. Dont ask me about it please

asking what is happening

(Kicks down the door of my own apartment)

Sometimes I don’t know everything of what Taco Bell is saying to me anymore. And I am trying to accept that. It’s ok! It’s going to be okay for all of us

Not my best work but the best I could do in the moment to authentically represent how this news felt to receive while laughing so hard my insides vibrated

I keep putting this stork live cam on to fall asleep to and normally it’s chill but tonight he know I am here. Not great!

I forgot that 22 minutes into this, he tells her that maybe the child ghosts haunting the animatronic guys were in heaven now

hello my substack is rising in humor if you would like to subscribe to it so that i may continue to Rise audipenny.substack.com

my very specific dream might finally be happening

Sometimes you won’t understand how you wound up where you are but it’s ok. Even if it’s this ❤️

my doctor’s office doesn’t even have an email address and yet I get this message every few months flipping me off

you have my complete attention

I am going to frame this 👉🐍

was already chuckling at “Snake Hazard” but it was the single comment that really sent me

all script writes must report to office daily audipenny.substack.com/p/we-are-sad...