Brian Bilston

@brianbilston

I write poems. Shows: Books:

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Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jul 7

London gig, this Thursday. I’ll be performing some song poems with the Catenary Wires, at the album launch of ‘Pets Sounds’. The brilliant Jetstream Pony and Railcard will also be in attendance. Tickets here: wegottickets.com/f/17424

A poster advertising our gig this Thursday at the Water Rats in London, alongside Jetstream Pony and Railcard.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jul 7

Excellent. On that theme, this is in my latest book …

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jul 4

I can’t remember whether I’ve mentioned this before but I’m going on tour this autumn: 46 shows across England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, plus the last week of the Edinburgh Fringe. It would be smashing to see you at one of these. brianbilston.com/events/

A pic advertising my list of shows for my autumn 2026 tour: Aberdeen; Aberystwyth; Bakewell; Bellaghy; Bridport; Bristol; Bude; Bury St Edmonds; Cardiff; Cardigan; Chorley; Colchester; Corsham; Coventry; Croydon; Darwen; Deal; Edinburgh; Exeter; Glasgow; Guildford; Harpenden; Helmsley; Kidderminster; Leeds; Liverpool; London; Loughborough; Malton; Manchester; Monmouth; Newark; Norwich; Oxford; Pocklington; Sheffield; Stamford; Stirling; Stroud; Sunderland; Ulverston; Winchester; Worthing.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 20

In an attempt to read some poems at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe, I shall be reading some poems at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe. www.edfringe.com/tickets/what...

A poster advertising my Edinburgh Fringe Show at the Assembly Rooms between 24th and 30tj August.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 20

Today is World Refugee Day. Here’s a poem called ‘Refugees’.

Refugees

They have no need of our help
So do not tell me
These haggard faces could belong to you or me
Should life have dealt a different hand
We need to see them for who they really are
Chancers and scroungers
Layabouts and loungers
With bombs up their sleeves
Cut-throats and thieves
They are not
Welcome here
We should make them
Go back to where they came from
They cannot
Share our food
Share our homes
Share our countries
Instead let us
Build a wall to keep them out
It is not okay to say
These are people just like us
A place should only belong to those who are born there
Do not be so stupid to think that
The world can be looked at another way

(now read from bottom to top)

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 16

There are just a handful of tickets left for my autumn shows in Colchester, Helmsley, Pocklington, Bellaghy & Deal. Bakewell, Bristol, Bury St Edmonds, Chorley, Croydon, Exeter, Guildford, Leeds, Liverpool, London, Manchester, Newark, Norwich, Stirling and Stroud are all selling quickly, too (1/2)

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 14

As ever, happy birthday to all June-14th-ers, except one.

Unhappy Birthday to Me

It’s important to share, or so I’ve been taught,
to show kindness to others, to be a good sport.
But all of those teachings have taken a bump –
for I share my birthday with Donald Trump.

For years I knew not of this dark, dreadful fate,
and with ignorant bliss I honoured the date –
but then it got hijacked, sullied, gazumped
by a self-serving bigot, a foul gibberlump.

With him, I would share an infectious disease,
a mouldy bread roll, an infestation of fleas,
a romantic weekend at a toxic waste dump –
but please, not my birthday, Mr. Tangerine Chump.

Alternative dates he’s welcome to try –
12th Febtember, 33rd July.
But 14th June? In a lake, take a jump
and find a new date, you deranged sewage pump.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 13

UK Independent Bookshop Week starts today. Support your local indie! Our communities and culture are so much richer for their existence. And here’s a poem from ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’ in praise of indie bookshops - only available in the exclusive Indie Bookshop edition.

Reader/Traveller

Upstanding citizen, pillar of the community,
champion of all that is right and proper in this world,
denizen of the bibliosmia, scrutiniser of shelves,
peruser of tables, stroker of spines,
cool arbiter of good taste and sparkling judgement,
unseen comrade, poet-in-waiting –

as you hurtle through these pages,
it may interest you to know that no local economies
were harmed in your purchasing of this book.
Appropriate taxes have been paid. The commander
of the Starship Monetise has a few less pence
in his pocket for a new space rocket,

and meanwhile, in a galaxy not so far, far away –
in your own town or village, in fact –
the real hero of this story readies for lift-off.
Fuel levels, boosters and life support systems checked,
the door of the bookshop is opened
and in come the travellers in search of new worlds.

A poster advertising Independent Bookshop Week.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 12

Thought I should probably update this poem.

(Billionaire) Trillionaire in a Midlife Crisis

He’s swapped designer jeans and flashy cars
For designer spacesuits and trips to Mars
Where he watches Earth turn on its axis
With its stupid people paying taxes
He’s indulging all his whims and vices
He’s a (billionaire) trillionaire in a midlife crisis

He’s got plans to end world poverty
Once his new hair’s lost its novelty
He’s dropping rap tracks and dissing pronouns
His kids have names they cannot pronounce
He’s choosing who his next young wife is
He’s a (billionaire) trillionaire in a midlife crisis

He’s an outspoken champion of free speech
With a mute button in easy reach
He’s building an army of online abusers
More spambots equals more X-users
Cause he’s been left too long to his own devices
If truth be told, he’s not the nicest
I hope he comes down with (gastroenteritis) pneumoencephalitis
He’s a (billionaire) trillionaire in a midlife crisis

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 10

It can even be obtained in the US itself, assuming, that is, it’s allowed entry.

Keepie Uppies

writing poems about keepie uppies
is very difficult I've found
because you think it's going really well
but then it ends up on the ground

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 10

It was written for children, although some grown-ups seem to like it, too, and it’s a bargain at £7.99. That’s roughly £992 cheaper than completing this year’s Panini World Cup sticker album, or £150 cheaper than a ticket to see Uzbekistan play the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Fifty Ways to Score a Goal

tap in, toe poke, thunderbolt,
backheel, nutmeg, stinger,
glancing header, mis-hit cross,
rebound, blaster, zinger

goalkeeping blunder, penalty,
curler, sidefoot, prod,
scissors, volley (full and half)
scorcher, Hand of God

rocket, drill, fire, lash it in,
bundle, drive, stab, chip,
screamer, belter, slam, caress,
bum, shin, chin, knee, hip

diving header, outrageous lob
deflection, quick free-kick
finesse, stroke, steer, walk it in,
dink, punt, slot and flick

Fifty Slow Motion Replays

taaap innn, tooooooe pokke, thuuuunderbolt,
baaackheeeeel, nuttttmeggg, stiiiingerrr,
glaaaancing headddder, missssss-hittttt crosssss,
reeeeeeebound, blaaaaster, ziiiiinger

goalkeeeeeeping blunderrrrrr, pennnnnalty,
currrrrler, sidefoooooooot, prodddddd,
scissssssors, vollllllley (fulllll and halfffff)
scorrrrrrcher, Hannnd of Goddd

rockkkket, drrrrillll, fiiiiire, lashhhhh it in,
bunnnndle, driiiive, stabbbbb, chipppp,
screeeeeeamer, belllllter, slammmmm, caressssss,
bummmmm, shinnnnn, chinnnn, kneeeeeeee, hippppp

diiiiving headddder, outraaaaaageous lobb
deeeeflection, quiiiick freeeee-kickkkk
finesssssse, strrrrroke, steeeeeeer, wallllk it in,
dinnnk, punnnnt, slottttt and flickkkk

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 10

The men’s football World Cup starts tomorrow so here’s a plug for my book of football poems, ’50 Ways to Score a Goal’. It can be read from beginning to end without having to pause in the middle to listen to Madonna, Shakira or BTS.

Trevor

One of the best things
about having an imaginary friend
is always having someone
to play football with.

Trevor never lets me down.
He’s always happy to go in goal
when I want to practise penalties.
Whenever I give the ball to him, he’ll pass it back
and doesn’t laugh, like the others,
if I don’t manage to control it.

The only annoying thing about Trevor
is that when he gets called in
for his imaginary tea,
he takes his imaginary ball with him.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 9

The fabulous Catenary Wires have put one of my poems to music again and it features on the forthcoming compilation album 'Pets Sounds' out next month on @skepwax.bsky.social. Thanks for all your superb cat photos for this video. Sorry we couldn't use them all. The song would need to be 2 hrs long.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Jun 1

I’m reading poems at various festivals this week, starting with Leek on Wednesday, then Chester on Thursday. They’re both sold out but there are still tickets available for my show at the Nottingham Poetry Festival on Saturday should that be of interest to you. www.gigantic.com/nottingham-p...

A photo of me and my cat advertising my appearance at the Nottingham Poetry Festival on Saturday 6th June.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· May 27

Here’s a poem called ‘What Don Corleone Did Next’. #worldotterday

What Don Corleone Did Next

upon retiring
from the mafia,

he wove aquatic mammals
out of raffia

let me tell you
how I learnt this news:

he made me an otter
I couldn’t refuse

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· May 25

Delighted to be on this week’s episode of The Verb, alongside the individually and collectively wonderful Ian McMillan, Martha Sprackland, Daljit Nagra and Ira Lightman. It’s available for listening through the BBC Sounds app. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· May 25

The poemwriting is not goingwell today.

The Problem of Writing Poems
in Hot Weather

The problem
of writingpoems
inhot weather

isthatthe words
getsweaty
and sticktogether.

BrianBilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· May 22

Very pleased to share with you the result of a recent commission I received from Good Housekeeping magazine to write an erotic poem for its readers.

This is Hardchore

Scrub me. Buff me.
Get down on all fours.
Fill me. Stack me.
Rummage through my drawers.

Rinse me. Spin me.
Tumble dry my mind.
Press me. Fold me.
Drape me on your line.

Grout me. Scour me.
Make my fittings gleam.
Bleach me. Teach me.
Squirt your Mr Sheen.

Plump me. Pump me.
Fill my tank with fuel.
Dust me. Suck me
With your crevice tool.

Sift me. Sort me.
Crush me with your weight.
Stuff me. Tie me.
Put me out by eight.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· May 20

A poem for World Bee Day.

The Last Bee

After the last ee
had uzzed its last uzz,
the irds and the utterflies
did what they could.

ut soon the fields lay are,
few flowers were left,
nature was roken,
and the planet ereft.

rian ilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· May 18

Very chuffed to be part of this stellar line-up at the Cambridge Corn Exchange on 25th July with The Catenary Wires - featuring the total legend that is Dr John Cooper Clarke, alongside a (life) raft of other brilliant poets. Tickets available here: www.cornex.co.uk/events/dr-jo...

A poster featuring Dr John Cooper Clarke, advertising our 25th July gig at the Cambridge Corn Exchange.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· May 18

Sometimes the poems I write aren’t the ones I intend to write.

This is Not the Poem I Had Hoped to Write

This is not the poem I had hoped to write
when I sat at my desk and the page was white.
You see, there were other words I’d had in mind,
yet this is what I leave behind.

I thought it was a poem to eradicate war;
one of such power, it would heal all the sores
of a world torn apart by conflict and schism.
But it isn’t.

Lovers, I’d imagined, would quote from it daily,
Mothers would sing it to soothe crying babies.
And whole generations would be given new hope.
Nope.

I had grand aspirations. Believe me, I tried.
Humanity examined with lessons applied.
But the right words escaped me; so often they do.
Have these in lieu.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· May 8

Here’s a poem called ‘Life of a Naturalist’.

Life of a Naturalist

it’s his birthday
and the sloths are up early for once
the flamingos line up in pink, long-legged salute
the birds of paradise parade in their finest
the elephants blow their trumpets
the blue whales gush with joy
the gorillas act out stories of his visits
the lions lay off the wildebeest for one day
and stand together on the Serengeti plain
the lyre birds sing his voice in tribute
the seals cannot stop clapping
and the ostriches urge us
to listen to him
and not bury our heads in the sand

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· May 2

After a terrific evening at the opening night of the Tunbridge Wells Literary Festival, I’m off to Dorchester-on-Thames today. There are a few tickets left. You can get one here: www.ticketsource.com/dorchesterfe...

A poster advertising my show at the Dorchester-on-Thames Festival today.

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Apr 27

Today’s poem is called ‘Why You Should Never Ever Follow Your Dreams’.

Why You Should Never Ever

Follow Your Dreams

I followed my dream,
only to find
it was the one

of me,
in the playground,
with no underwear on.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Apr 26

Today’s poem is called ‘Wild Weekend’.

Wild Weekend

Sunday – and the squirrels are lazing in their branches,
the sheep are congregating for morning service,
and the bears are sleeping off their sore heads.

The sloths are taking things slow, the hippos are wallowing,
the cats are curling up on the newspaper in front of the television.
The alpacas will spend the day in their fluffies.

Not everyone is taking it easy. The deer are up already
for a walk around the park. The ducks are planning a trip
across the lake. The salmon have gone wild swimming.

The snails are pottering about the garden, while the crows
scan its aisles for materials and prepare for an afternoon of DIY.
The pigeons have split up: some are hanging around

the shopping centre, others will head over to the cricket.
The lions are having an old friend over for dinner, the camels
are baking, the spiders are browsing their webs, and the humans…

the humans are wondering where the weekend has gone,
and questioning the natural order of things.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Apr 25

Today’s poem is called ‘Anniversary’.

Anniversary

I forgot, I said,
but since when was our love built
on anything so ordinary
as a date?

Let other couples mark time.
I am too caught up
with the here and the now of you
to waste these hours
in commemoration of the past.

Because our love is vast,
like an ocean,
with depths far beyond
others’ comprehension.

Why spend our lives swimming circles
in the muddy puddle
of convention?

Flowers fade.
Chocolates get eaten.
By such ephemera,
we should judge our love not.

And you said,
what do you mean,
you forgot?

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Apr 24

Today’s poem is called ‘Billionaire in a Midlife Crisis’.

Billionaire in a Midlife Crisis

He’s swapped designer jeans and flashy cars
For designer spacesuits and trips to Mars
Where he watches Earth turn on its axis
With its stupid people paying taxes
He’s indulging all his whims and vices
He’s a billionaire in a midlife crisis

He’s got plans to end world poverty
Once his new hair’s lost its novelty
He’s dropping rap tracks and dissing pronouns
His kids have names they cannot pronounce
He’s choosing who his next young wife is
He’s a billionaire in a midlife crisis

He’s an outspoken champion of free speech
With a mute button in easy reach
He’s building an army of online abusers
More spambots equals more X-users
Cause he’s been left too long to his own devices
If truth be told, he’s not the nicest
I hope he comes down with gastroenteritis
He’s a billionaire in a midlife crisis

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Apr 23

Today’s poem is called ‘Word Crunching’.

Word Crunching

I
wrote
a poem
on a page
but then each line grew
to the word sum of the previous two
until I began to worry about all these words coming with such frequency
because as you can see, it can be easy to run out of space when a poem gets all Fibonacci sequency

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Apr 22

Today’s poem is called ‘An Invention of Collective Nouns’.

An Invention of Collective Nouns

A reckoning of spreadsheets.
A distraction of smartphones.
A prattle of podcasts.
A mispronunciation of scones.

A clique of photographers.
A heard of precedents.
An enjambment of
poets. A grope of presidents.

A pile of haemorrhoids.
A bunion of personal trainers.
A bout of estimations.
A condescension of mansplainers.

A stroke of geniuses.
A spot of adolescents.
An embarrassment of Richards.
A collection correction of pedants.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston@brianbilston· Apr 21

Starting next week, I’ll be out and about reading poems at various festivals: Guernsey, Wrexham, Tunbridge Wells, Dorchester-on-Thames & Filey. Leek, Chester & Nottingham follow in June; Edinburgh Fringe in Aug; Morecambe in Sept. Tickets here if you fancy one of these: brianbilston.com/events/