Ruminato Exclusive... Our crack (addicted) reporting team has obtained an exclusive look at a delivery being made to the White House just in time for Trump’s speech tonight.

BREAKING NEWS: Lindsey Graham, 71, died suddenly overnight. The cause of death has not been announced, but it is generally accepted that clinging too closely to Trump’s nether regions creates a form of toxic shock syndrome that can take as many as ten years to become fatal.

Headline rewrite: “Trump Manipulates Markets Again in His Hormuz TACO War”

By reposting this out of my "drafts" queue: The Launch of the Ravens

⚠️ WARNING ⚠️: This post contains graphic violence involving a leopard eating a white nationalist’s face.

I wasn't wondering. I just assumed it was a real estate venture.

And so it begins. My guess is that the coward in chief will use Israel’s death machine to do much of his dirty work…

Fake Photograph! The real one is quite different!

The president of Venezuela likes this idea bigly.

Meet the man who created KegsBreath’s and CaligulaTrumpus’ Snuff Film.

WTH is wrong with you people? "as the administration seeks to pressure Democrats to end the shutdown."? Seriously? That's your subhead? Why don't you just start doing TikTok videos of your editors kissing Agent Orange's boiled, crazy ass while you're at it? Might sell a few subs that way.

BREAKING... Live look of new logo in progress for Mike Johnson, Republican Speaker of the House. Release the #Epstein Files, scumbag.

The mad clown wants us to think about “Apocalypse Now?” Challenge Accepted. Say hello to the Kurtz Brothers.

We are now a nation of infected and non-infected.

How about a rewrite of this? Ready? The Department of Homeland Security, headed by Kristi Noem, who had her purse stolen from her feet in a restaurant, allowed an unidentified man to approach the DHS head before (editorial laugh) discovering he was a sitting Senator.