Cindy Phan (@cindyphanauthor) · DIRTY

Cindy Phan

@cindyphanauthor

A human going | Best of the Net Nom | Pushcart Nom | Stories in Augur Magazine, khōréō magazine, Baffling Magazine and more | Bi | She/her 🐩 cindyphanauthor.com Author photo by Rosena Fung

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Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· 29d

Put my first jalapeño to good use 🔥

Close-up of a nice looking jalapeño pepper growing in my garden in the bright sunlight.

My hand holding a pack of Buldak 2X spicy chicken flavour noodles. The chicken mascot on the package is angrily breathing fire and holding a bomb with a lit fuse.

The noodles cooked and in a large, blue rimmed white bowl. Added are the peppers chopped up, some green onion spears, a handful of mint and an egg, cooked over easy. Everything is green or bright red.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· 29d

The buffet scene from Fargo (1996) Norm and Margie have perfect form re: number of plates piled high with food, and sit side by side (adorable), quietly enjoying each other’s company as they eat ♥️ (also, all the food is like the same 2-3 colours, which I find deeply funny)

Norm and Margie inside a rather drab buffet restaurant. They’re headed to a table each loaded with a tray loaded with plates loaded with food (Norm has 3 plus a small bow, Margie al has 3). Norm is smiling and happy; Margie is same and looking up at him adoringly. Norm is in a brown sweater vest over a long sleeved plaid shirt; Margie is in her uniform, loosened at the waist to accommodate her pregnant body.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· 29d

It me

A bug-eyed woman, rendered in very soft sepia tones against a dark background, and who is also topless, has her arms full carrying a skull, a fox and a large baby doll, all depicted as full colour images. She has a head of messy done up hair with twigs in it, and she wis looking guiltily at the camera. Text above her reads: WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT SNEAKING MORE ODDITIES INTO THE HOUSE.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 12

Even my dog is celebrating ✨

A black standard poodle sits in the shade in front of a metal garden bed with zucchini plants growing inside. Her head is held high and she’s grinning, looking very jaunty in her yellow bandana. Behind her is a small beige shed and a wooden fence.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 11

Not too hot, so we walk

A black standard poodle, as seen from behind, walking along a dirt trail on a leash flanked by tall grass, bushes and trees, all very bright and lush and in various shades of vibrant green. In the distance, where the foliage clears, a bright blue sky with huge white clouds can be seen. Under the sky is a field of golden grass, hay likely, with a line of trees behind it.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 11

AND NOW MY SISTER SENDS ME THIS

Text exchange time stamped Today 11:43AM

*picture, empathized by me (!!) of two bunches of cherry tomatoes growing near the ground with one bunch with one tomato beginning to turn red*

My sister: Finally one turning red

Me: NO FAIR 😫

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 11

I mean…c’mon!!!

Bunches of medium-sized still very green cherry tomatoes growing against a wooden fence in the afternoon’s dappled light.

Two clusters of very green medium sized tomatoes growing against a wooden fence in afternoon’s dappled light.

Another plant with bunches of still very green cherry tomatoes growing in a green tomato cage against a wooden fence. So many, so still very green.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 11

Me waiting for my tomatoes to ripen

Start Trek: TNG. Data sitting quietly with a very slightly raised brow, watching his kettle, waiting for it to boil. The kettle is very sci-fi in design, perfectly round and white and with a curved metal handle that makes the whole thing look barely functional.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 11

Ducklings in the distance

An idyllic park scene with a flower lined path (white daisies and red daylilies) in the foreground and a picturesque pond in the background with a sprouting fountain in its centre, all under a blue sky so full of fat fluffy clouds you could hardly see the blue. The pond is surrounded with greenery (tress and bushes). Near the fountain, just visible, is a duck leading some ducklings across the water. Also, this is a cemetery and not a park, though no gravestones appear in this picture.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 10

face I'm submitting for my Bluesky verification

The top half of talking zombie girl from The Return of the Living Dead (1985), desecrated, skeletal, but still with quite a lot of her shoulder length hair. Here it—and she—are, prone on a steel medical table, her arms tied down. Not to be confused with Mitch McConnell.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 10

Oh, you know, just Star Trek ladies in the Mirror Universe having too much fun. Check it out 👀

Star TreK
Dark Passions
Book One of Two

Klingons and Cardassians rule the Alpha Quadrant in an uneasy alliance that hides a viper's nest of backstabbing plots and counterplots. Annika Hansen has become a trained operative for the Obsidian Order. Her latest target: Kira Nerys, the duplicitous Intendant of Bajor, whose ruthless ambition has brought her to a position of power second only to the Regent himself, the fierce Klingon warrior known as Worf. To get close to her prey, Annika must worm her way into the Intendant's notoriously fickle affections. Easy enough to accomplish, perhaps, but it remains to be seen who is truly manipulating whom....

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 10

After a few seasons of bad luck (weather, birds), we might get apples??

A small green Courtland apple growing in a tree under a sprig of dark green leaves.

Another apple seen from below, a bit bigger than the first.

A small apple with a blush of red on its smooth otherwise green surface. It’s growing under a small “roof” of leaves.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 9

Me currently

The aquarium fish from Finding Nemo (2003) each floating in a clear plastic bag which they have rolled from the dock (behind) and onto the surface of the sea. Caption reads: Now what?

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 9

I found book two in April at a used book sale and became mildly obsessed with finding book one

My hand holding Star Trek: Dark Passions Book Two by Susan Wright. Annika Hansen, dressed in a Cardassian uniform, is flanked by Kathrine Janeway (right) and Beverly Crusher (left), both of whom are dressed in skippy, rather low-cut dresses. Background is boxes full of Star Trek paperbacks for sale.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 9

Temporary life goal achieved with this latest package from thrift books

My hand holding a copy of Star Trek: Dark Passions Book One by Susan Wright. It has a wonderfully campy cover with mirror universe Intendant Kira Nerys flanked by Deanna Troi in Klingon battle/everyday wear (left) and Annika Hansen in similar garb (right). Kira is in full colour while Troi and Hansen are rendered in a cool blue wash. Behind them swirls a galaxy. Behind the book is the wooden surface of a desk with piles of books lining it.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 9

Arachnia, Queen of the Spider People, does as she wishes (sorry, Harry)

Captain Janeway as Arachnia, dressed in a campy gown with huge back neck frill and holding a laser gun. She’s plotting in black and white in her big bouffant hairdo.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 9

Best STAR TREK captain. Wrong answers only.

Riddick from Pitch Black (2000). He’s bald, buff, in a dark tank top and wearing his blackout googles.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 9

We’re basically these guys, the two guys looking at a turtle from Beauty and the Beast

Two guys, both white, both crouched against a wall in an alleyway, both in commoner’s clothing, both smiling while admiring a turtle. Source: Beauty and the Beast (1991).

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 9

When you and your sister both garden as a hobby 🪴

Text exchange between myself and my sister:

*Picture of my hand holding the yellow zucchini described in previous post.*

Me: Got another one!

*Picture, afterward empathized by me, sent to me by my sister of her hand holding up a pale, yellow fat-bottomed summer squash.*

My sister: Nice! Look at this.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 9

Anya’s near debilitating fear of bunnies 🐰

Anya, standing inside the magic shop wearing a black blouse with a glittery butterfly on it, and saying (earnestly and in text): I’ve got a theory, it could be bunnies. There’s a seated buddha statue behind her. Her hair is up and she’s wearing cute dangly earrings.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 8

Got another one!

My hand holding a medium sized deep yellow zucchini with its blossom still attached. I’m a fenced in backyard with a green garden bed and a small pear tree in the background. It’s a bright, sunny day. There’s water droplets on the squash because I’d just watered the garden.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 8

Shapes in dog form, dog is shapes!

A poofy black standard poodle curled up on a huge stripped doggy bed in her crate, which is also draped (as seen from behind) by an ornate red blanket. Her head is tucked into her body and looks like a perfect poofy sphere. Her body is comprised of the overlapping ovals of her side and leg, which is mostly tucked under her. She is wearing a yellow bandana, the bows of which are just peeking out the side of her head.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 7

Very much this energy

Ralph Wiggum wearing a backpack and standing in the kitchen in front of his parents, who are seated at the table, lying his ass off as he tells them (in text): Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 7

BREAKING:

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 7

“Only throw. IF you take, you will REGRET.”

A black standard poodle stands on a hardwood floor, holding a smiling mushroom stuffie (it has a red cap with white hearts on it) in her mouth, her bottom teeth showing. She’s got her head cocked to the side, and a deadly serious expression on her face as she stares up, directly into the camera. She’s wearing a yellow bandana.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 6

New week, new look 💛

A black standard poodle curled up on a black mat in front of a white door with her head held up, showing off her new yellow bandana tied elegantly around her neck. She’s got one front paw curled up and a dispassionate though distinguished expression on her face.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 6

I’ll always be a sucker for the three act structure

A black standard poodle in a fenced-in back yard braces to catch her green chameleon stuffie as it begins its descent back to the earth from its place high I. The air. She’s wearing a yellow and pink bandana. Background is a beige shed (left), a metal garden bed with a large zucchini plant growing in it (centre) and a medium sized Japanese maple tree (right).

The poodle positioning herself directly under the stuffie with her mouth wide open and her tail up. The stuffie has lost half its height in this pic.

The poodle with her head down, ears back, feet firmly planted on the ground after catching the stuffie midair in her mouth.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 5

Amy, disguised as an Amazonian woman (she’s in a torn bikini, has a bit of face paint, bones in her hair and is walking on stilts), walks past an Amazonian woman (dressed much like her, but with a bone necklace and no bones in her hair) toward a Snu-Snu chamber.

Text reads: Me next snu-snu! Out me way!

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 5

I LOVE lil guys so much!! I even took this really bad pic, which I’m very proud of. We fixed our ancient AC last summer, thank the GODS. Otherwise, I don’t know how we’d survive.

Two out of focus crayfish, each on a rock next to each other, as seen through some shallow, brownish river water. There’s also a water strider on the surface of the river, hanging out between the crayfish, and a blue-tinged dragonfly hovering near the bottom centre of the pic.

Cindy Phan@cindyphanauthor· Jul 5

She pose

Close up of a black standard poodle as she sits on some grass with her head raised, looking dramatically off to the right with her mouth open in a slight smile. She’s wearing a yellow and pink bandana tied in a large bow that rests on the front of her long neck. She’s wearing a black harness.