Crashmodem

@crashmodem

If you live your life like a sitcom, it's a lot more fun. Got a cabin in the woods on a lake, where I kayak with my dogs. I'm a retired Mailman & veteran, so I've twice sworn an oath to uphold the Constitution.

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Crashmodem@crashmodem· 15d

I couldn't find any scratch at the grocery store, but I did find some at the Fix & Feed. Now I see why making something from scratch is considered such an accomplishment.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· 17d

Oh! Oh!
Dibs on pillaging their library!
–The little known cousin of Eric the Red... Bjorn the well-read.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· 17d

If anyone's interested, you can preview my book. The first chapter of Fletch Morgan's Chaos Band is posted on Apple Books as a sample, even though the release is still a week off.

The Apple Books listing for the upcoming novel about a touring band who loses their drummer, and eventually replaces him with a bartender they find in rural East Texas.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· 18d

#booksky My first novel is coming out August 1 in paperback, Kindle and Apple Books! (Description is in the alt-text of the cover.)

The layout for the front and back cover of my new book. It features a woman playing the drums, and a much older guy playing the piano behind her, seeming to fade away.

The text on the back cover reads:

Fletch Morgan has been fronting the same Americana band for twenty-five years. He's made a living, made some records, and made a kind of peace with the life that came out of it; two-lane highways, honkytonks, and a tour bus that runs on diesel and stubbornness. He's not famous anymore. He's not quite forgotten either. He's just out there, playing the rooms that still want him.
When his longtime drummer dies at the Suwannee Roots Festival, everything Fletch has spent a quarter century holding together starts to come apart at once.
He doesn't quit. n a bar in Union Valley, Texas, behind a drum set she's never touched before, a twenty-three-year-old bartender named Janey Colter proceeds to detonate on a song she wrote in high school for a punk band that never existed, and then proceeds to play and sing a forgotten song from his past. They hire her and never look back.
Fletch Morgan's Chaos Band is a novel about what happens when the road you've been on your whole life leads somewhere you never expected, and whether you're brave enough to follow it all the way there. It's about a young woman who walks into somebody else's story and finds out it was hers all along.
It's about music the way music is actually about things. Not the notes, but what the notes are standing in for. The grief that travels best in a chorus. The truth that only comes out sideways, through a song, on a stage, in front of strangers who didn't know they needed to hear it.
Somewhere between Texas and the Grand Ole Opry, something real happened to this band. Fletch Morgan's Chaos Band is that story, told from the inside.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· 22d

How many stable geniuses does it take to turn on a water faucet?

Dumbass Donald says he's going to turn on a faucet to cure Canada's wildfires.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· 26d

Worst cyclospora outbreak in American history and not a word from the White House. Of course he doesn't care– explosive diarrhea stops being a crisis when you're already wearing a diaper.

a picture of a seated orange "man" in a wig, very visibly wearing a diaper as he is seated during an interview.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jul 10

Anybody believe this isn't a farcical attempt to keep our idiot President engaged in the war they goaded him into? Israel needs to be quarantined, pushed back to their original borders, and monitored by a multinational force, to keep their genocidal tendencies contained.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 18

I know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. I have a very patient tongue. This does not get me as many dates as you'd think.

Tootsie Pop owl asking "How many licks?"

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 14

Looks like floods now, too. Did they forget to book them, or are the locusts just too proud to attend his trashfest.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 12

Don't sweat it. (alt-text)

Weather forecast from AccuWeather for Washington DC, for the UFC trashfest. Seems Mother Nature is not a fan of Fat Donnie, and has planned a 90º Heavy thunderstorm for that afternoon. I don't imagine that monstrosity is very lightning-resistant. I also think the audience will demand that the show go on.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 9

Something's not adding up.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 9

C'mon reporters. You know the assignment. I'm sure he'd love to talk about this:

FACT: Donald Trump has never beaten a MAN in an election,
overlayed on a picture of Dwight Shroot from The Office.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 8

I really hope it happens... AccuWeather doesn't agree, though.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 8

No really- it's okay. It's a wet heat.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 8

I'd love to see a reporter needle him over this.

FACT: Donald Trump has never beaten a MAN in an election! superimposed over a picture of Dwight Shroot from The Office.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 5

I thought we were saving "Epstein Memorial" for the wading pool in front of the Washington Monument, since we can't really call it "The Reflecting Pool" anymore, since Fat Donnie got involved.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 4

So... What do we call it now? The Epstein Memorial Wading Pool?

The Reflecting Pool before and after pictures emphasizing that it no longer reflects.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 4

Coming soon:

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 2

George Orwell was a democratic socialist who fought fascism in Spain. Animal Farm was specifically about Stalinism, the betrayal of a revolution by the people who led it, not a condemnation of leftist ideals in general. #IMDB really screwed up this description.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 2

The nose of a yellow kayak, pointed into a storm that is rolling over Lake Tawakoni, Texas. There is an abandoned pier between the photographer, and the FM-751 causeway appears in the background.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· Jun 2

Popup thunderstorms sounds exactly like the excuse I needed to get my kayak out on the lake.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· May 29

It's 87º and sunny with a light wind. If anyone needs me, let them know I'm working out of my lake office today and will be unreachable.

Calm lake on a beautiful day, seen from a kayak.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· May 29

While I love my laptop, I miss the satisfying click sound of a mechanical keyboard.

Vintage computer keyboard with two oversized keys labeled 'MUSIC' and 'PORN.' It was such a simpler time.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· May 29

I'm so far ahead of the policy curve, that I'm apparently dictating domestic policy via t-shirt sarcasm.

Devastatingly handsome man wearing a 'Legalize Recreational Plutonium' t-shirt smiling on a lake, next to a news graphic about the Trump administration providing weapons-grade plutonium to private startups.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· May 29

Looks like they're gonna need Kash's girlfriend to headline the UFC trashfest.

Screenshot of Bret Michaels Instagram post announcing he's withdrawing from Freedom 250

Crashmodem@crashmodem· May 29

Conservatives are perfectly fine with a pride Earth, but a pride flag is a step too far? #stopclimatechange

Crashmodem@crashmodem· May 28

I am fully supportive of peDon's portrait being on the $250 bill, as long as he fulfills the legal requirements first.

To appear on U.S. currency, a person must be deceased, as laws prohibit living individuals from being featured. This tradition stems from a desire to avoid the appearance of monarchy and has been reinforced by various laws, including the Thayer Amendment and the Presidential $1 Coin Act.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· May 27

Facebook made me a community moderator for unfathomable reasons. Walk me through this one — it checks every box. Neutral, sourced, reasonable. Helpful or not helpful?

Screenshot of my Facebook post saying "Pam Bondi is diagnosed with thyroid cancer," with her photo from a White House meeting. Below it, a "Proposed notes" fact-check box reads: "Yet the DOW is at record high levels, making her complaints irrelevant," linking to a Reuters story about the DOW hitting a record high.

Crashmodem@crashmodem· May 18

Not sure if I'm betting on the cholesterol or the late stage syphilitic dementia this week... Where's everybody else's money?

Crashmodem@crashmodem· May 18

Guess I know my next watch.