Derek Sheen
@dereksheen
Comedian, actor, writer, musician and pretty great in the kitchen. My new solo show "MotherL*ver" is coming soon to a town near you. Check out my albums on Apple Music and Spotify! You can find out all about me here:
I didn’t realize how accurate a prediction this would be. Then I saw the fucking UFC stage towering over the White House today…
If you’re in Bellingham, WA come see me June 12th at Jokes On The Waterfront. I guarantee fun or a full refund all your misery.
Fuck it. Come and get me! Gas and food are so expensive, it’ll be nice to let the government pay my rent for the next 10 years.
If you need a palette cleanse, here’s a piece that showed up and got stuck in my head last night, and I had figure out how to play it before I could sleep. I can’t wait to see where this goes…
I like to imagine there’s a basement in Beast’s castle, just crawling with weird personal belongings he hid out of embarrassment, that also came to life when he was cursed. “Hi! I’m Tammy! I’m an expired tube of prescription ointment for plaque psoriasis. I wrote a song about it. Here it goes…”
Trump: "'President, I'd love to kiss you' -- this is a very powerful man. I don't want to be kissed my that man. But a very powerful, strong man ... he said, 'Sir, I want to kiss you so badly.' And I said, 'No thank you.'"
Find someone who looks at you the way Trump looks at the back of his eyelids whenever a General is talking.
No one will mourn DJT’s death. Outside a performative few, no one noteworthy will attend his funeral. He is a pariah who brought a disease of anti-intellectualism to our collective consciousness, infecting the world with rage and stupidity. No one will mourn his death. But many will celebrate it.
I was banned from Twitter for telling MAGA Todd Starnes, who called for shooting Muslims in the streets, I would gift him a bullet for every stair he could climb without wheezing. Twitter said it was body shaming and a threat. The Left will always eat their own for performative allyship points.
Trump: “Stop calling us Nazis, that is NOT our jam!” Also Trump: “Thumbs Up! Nazis are TOTALLY my jam!”
Every time I see her, I keep hoping to hear a branch snap before 17 kids burst through the wall and tear her legs off.