Jared Johnson is

@jaredparker

Former Christian fundie trying to redirect his idealism toward more humane ends. Black lives matter. Trans lives matter. John Hodgman once told me I was just daddin’ it up. he/him

1.181 Folgt1.684 Follower3.766 Posts

Bluesky

Ist das dein Profil?Übernimm es — dann gehört dir jaredparker.dirty.social.Profil übernehmen

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· 22h

Post deleted, lol

£ Reposted by Tasting the Stars
Zoomer Antimillenarian @surcomplicated.... • 3h
(p) Posts over 20 times per day on average &* Kineticist
Aid to Ukraine is a big part of the reason Putin has failed to get the colossal genocide he wanted, even if we could've done a much better job of it.
• Big Mothra Fan Here @mcsubtle.b... • 11h
You can't name a time that American interventionism has helped since WW2, but
*this* time, for certain, it'll work.
21
§ 8
72

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· 6d

the Timeline agrees

Screenshot of my Bluesky timeline showing the above @jessehawken.bsky.social skeet that says “The next Bond has to be a weird little guy”, and right below it is a sketch by @brandonbird.bsky.social of Peter Falk as Columbo

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· 6d

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· 10d

like so

My thirteen-year-old mugging for the camera with two ridiculously enthusiastic thumbs up. Also, “American Gothic” by Grant Wood is there because we’re at the Art Institute of Chicago

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Jul 5

It’s probably because of this

The tweet by @Merman_Melville that reads

Being a billionaire must be insane. You can buy new teeth, new skin. All your chairs cost 20,000 dollars and weigh 2,000 pounds. Your life is just a series of your own preferences. In terms of cognitive impairment it's probably like being kicked in the head by a horse every day

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Jul 4

respect

Framed oil portrait of a pensive white man with a black mop of hair, stache and beard; the price sticker reads
VN 14
I WAS DUMPED FOR THIS
GUY!
SKU 0137 $50

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Jun 24

great job vibe coders, keep up the good “work”

Phone screenshot of Bluesky app showing a pink error banner with the words, “Failed to parse response body: SyntaxError: JSON Parse error: Unexpected end of input”

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· May 29

The Geordi Drake meme but it’s reversed so on top Geordi is pointing with respectful approval and then below he’s holding up his hand with a face that says, “Nah, dog, that ain’t it”

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· May 17

Yeah, he looked like this

Chris Gaines, a man with tousled shaggy hair drooping in his eyes, a soul patch nestled under his lower lip, staring smokily at the camera and daring you to point out that he’s actually Garth Brooks

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· May 12

True, but he did do this:

Self-portrait by Norman Rockwell depicting the artist seated on a stool, facing a canvas with his back to the viewer; as he stares into a large mirror propped up on a chair, we see the contrast between his reflection—aging, slightly befuddled, bespectacled, pipe drooping from the corner of his mouth—and the face the artist is painting—lively, without eyeglasses, pipe tipped up at a jaunty angle, a knowing smile playing on the corner of his lips.

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Apr 8

Okay but this is actually kind of funny

Screen grab of the Wikipedia page for Ugly Kid Joe:

1993 assault charge
On August 27, 1993, Crane was arrested and charged with felony assault and inciting violence. The charges came after Crane allegedly urged the crowd to attack security guards during a performance opening for Def Leppard at Cooper Stadium in Columbus, Ohio. Crane is alleged to have screamed "kill the pigs" before jumping on a security guard's back and hitting him with a microphone stand. A few fans near the stage also attacked the guard, who escaped with no serious injury.?. The case was closed with Crane paying a fine. Crane gave his version of the incident in a 2024 interview with Louder Sound:
"We were playing a baseball stadium in front of forty thousand people. And I used to have a thing where I'd tap the biggest security guard at a show on the shoulder and say: 'Hey, is it cool if I sit on your shoulders and ride you out into the crowd and high-five some kids?' But this time the guy took me up, and then threw up me on to the ground. I said:
'Did you mean to do that?' And he said: 'No, sorry.
Get up here again...' And I did, and then he body-slammed me to the ground. And so / threw a mic stand and said some bad things. So then I got arrested."[8]

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Apr 6

They call me Mister Sports

Against a background of a white cabinet next to the edge of a range hood, above the top edge of a countertop convection oven, a hand holds a novelty trophy comprised of a realistic-looking basketball set atop a wooden pedestal. The faux-bronze plaque on the pedestal reads,
TRIPODI TOURNEY
1st PLACE - CHAMPION

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Mar 29

They call me Mister Sports

Screenshot of a March Madness Final Four bracket in which the bracket owner (the aforementioned “Mister Sports”) has correctly picked Connecticut, Illinois, Arizona, and Michigan

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Mar 28

letthemfight.gif

Screenshot of a thread of replies to a blocked post; the ten reply posts below it are all hidden by two of my mute lists so that “Muted by ‘Antisemitic Dabblers’” and “Muted by ‘Leftists Who Need To Touch Grass’” alternate back and forth down the page

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Mar 24

More very hasty shots of this monument, which I found immensely moving. Wish I would have had more time to do it justice.

Opposite angle of the above-described statue (see previous skeet), showing the emancipated woman’s face and the emancipated man’s back.

Closer shot of the man’s back, showing a criss-cross of scars from the lash.

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Mar 24

The Emancipation and Freedom Monument in Richmond works nicely. Lee’s legacy, despite his best efforts.

A statue of two giant figures, back-to-back. Facing away from us on a pedestal that reads, “FREEDOM”, a woman holds a paper document (the Emancipation Proclamation) aloft in her right hand while her left cradles a baby, the top of whose head we can just see around the edge of her arm. Facing us, a formerly enslaved man stands bare-chested with his arms stretched to each side, palms turned upwards toward the sky as the shackles and chains that had bound his wrists fall toward the ground.

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Mar 15

search your camera roll for hell

Meme Jesus with a face like Dazed and Confused Matthew McConaughey looking down at the earth and saying, “Oh hell yeah these are the sins I died for”

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Mar 9

Weh-heh-hell, look at the cultural chauvinist over here!

A screenshot of the iOS World Clock app showing a list of world cities (NY, Paris, Rome, Chicago, Manila, Juneau, and Muscat), where it is half-past various hours of the day. In contrast, he last city on the list, New Delhi, is experiencing the top of the hour because India is 30 minutes offset from UTC time.

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Mar 2

Moustached bro wearing a trucker hat—specifically, the one from the Onion op-ed by the guy who can’t figure out why all these homosexuals keep sucking his cock

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Feb 28

Post a pic you took, no context, to bring some zen to the feed.

A night sky glowing with the pink and green of an aurora. The horizon line is marked by the distant white lights of a town, the glow above the line contrasting with the blackness of the bottom third of the frame. Stretching across the center of the frame we see the silhouette of power lines, higher and closer to us on the left and receding down and out of view toward the right.

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Feb 11

Partly deflating foil balloon that does not and never did contain a stowaway boy

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Jan 6

Jacob Thrombey (Jaeden Martell) in Knives Out (2019), aka “the Nazi child masturbatin in the bathroom”

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Dec 25

Screenshot of a tweet from Brendan O’Hare @brendohare posted at 10:55 PM on 5/5/14 which reads

When Santa dies he will go to hell

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Dec 15

Cover of God Emperor of Dune by Frank Herbert, depicting Leto II after he turned himself into a giant caterpillar with mRNA

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Dec 13

Your muted words
You haven't muted any words or tags yet

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Dec 6

a closeup photo of a bottle of Steak n Shake “pepper sauce” in situ, consisting of what looks like whole sport peppers in a clear liquid which is probably water or vinegar or both

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Dec 5

Wikipedia doing a “most visited articles” thing is weird because like, how often do you keep coming back to the same Wikipedia article, but also, this is actually kind of fun and I can tell you exactly why I visited each of these articles more than once is 2025:

Screenshot of a Wikipedia pop-up that reads:

Your top articles
Here were the articles you visited the most in 2025:
1. Chicago-style hot dog
2. Tiberius
3. Nunsense
4. A Thousand Splendid Suns
5. Dave Matthews Band bus incident

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Nov 25

Sure, the crops might not return, but I’m willing to give it a shot

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Nov 20

damn

Jared Johnson is@jaredparker· Nov 16

lol