Lauren Flans

@laurenflans

I love three things: my dog, 60s/70s folk rock, and Rachel Weisz. Everything else I am merely tolerating. Check out comingoutpod.com 🏳️‍🌈 Sorry about all the semicolons; I can't help it. OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts pls pay me 2 write 4 u thx 🙏

1.406 Folgt3.306 Follower7.394 Posts

Bluesky

gay

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Lauren Flans@laurenflans· 24d

lolllllllll pierro's vet texted me this photo of him "enjoying his acupuncture and cuddles today!" but he got a little nippy during his nail trim immediately before so he is straight up enjoying his acupuncture and cuddles in a velcro muzzle 🤣

a smol dachshund-mix with a variety of acupuncture needles sticking out of his smol body. he is being held in a towel by a smiling tattooed man. he (the smol dachshund-mix; not the man) is also wearing a tiny velcro muzzle and looks quite humbled.

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· 26d

I just...you CANNOT release a graphic like this when the country is dealing with an explosive diarrhea outbreak. Like, literally use ANY other color, you fucking psychopaths.

A graphic from the Washington Post titled "Forecast wildfire smoke" that shows a black and white sketch of the Midwest/Northeastern United States. The wildfire smoke is represented by a GIANT BROWN SMEAR that looks EXACTLY like diarrhea. Like, this graphic COULD NOT look more like explosive diarrhea if it tried.

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· 27d

güd nite 😴

a smol dachshund-mix lying on his back like a spatchcock chicken with his eyes closed and his paws in the "Thriller" position 🧟‍♂️

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· 27d

hey chat is it good when "Race Science" is trending?

Screenshot of the Bluesky "Discover" tab showing the trending topics "Timbers," "Big Brother," and "Race Science"

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· 27d

Oh, the President is giving a speech tonight? Big deal; so am I. It's entitled "What's In Your Butt? Look At Your BUTT! Why Are You So Smoooool?? 😭" and I deliver it to Pierro in a high-pitched voice literally every night of my life.

a smol dachshund-mix looking mildly perplexed

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· 28d

Finally had time to do a big Instagram post for #DisabilityPrideMonth! ♿️ Wanted to post it here because I suspect that a lot of people aren't aware that Disability Pride Month is happening AS WE SPEAK! 😃 #disability #disabilityrights #disabilityjustice #covidconscious #maskup 😷

Screenshot of the caption to my Instagram post. It reads:

We're halfway through July, and I'm wondering how many people know that this is #DisabilityPrideMonth! Since the beginning of the (still very much ongoing 😘) pandemic, I have learned so much about #disability and #disabilityjustice. I have also seen how little attention is given/effort is put forth on behalf of disabled people as opposed to, quite frankly, EVERY other cause. Sorry! I gotta call it as I see it!

My personal theory regarding this imbalance is twofold. First, I unfortunately don't think people view caring about disability as being as "sexy" or "dynamic" as caring about other causes (again, sorry! but I think I'm right! 🤷‍♀️). Secondly, I think people have an underlying fear of disability because, on some unconscious level, they are aware that it is a demographic that any of us can join at any time. Not only that; if we are lucky enough to live to old age, we WILL join it! One thing that I think The YouthsT™ get right is referring to themselves as "pre-disabled," which is factually true for all of us should we live long enough.

Masking in essential public spaces (grocery/drug stores; public transportation; etc.) is a small thing we can do to proactively support disabled people *and* reduce our own chances of becoming disabled/increasingly disabled on an accelerated timeline due to Long Covid, which is a mass disabling event. I hope you'll consider doing it for the remainder of Disability Pride Month! ♿️

#covidconscious #maskup 😷

Screenshot of an Instagram slide that reads:

crash margulies x #WorldMaskWeek

Wear a Mask at The Big 3

1) Stores, especially Grocery Stores & Pharmacies

2) Mandatory Appointments (medical, government, etc)

3) Public Transit

These are places disabled, chronically ill, or even people who may be acutely ill and infectious cannot avoid in order to stay alive.

Even if you think wearing a mask in other spaces is too much work, too much to ask, or that disabled and virus-avoidant folks should just stay home, there are often no other people to run errands at these essential spaces.

Photo of me and Pierro sitting on the grass in Griffith Park. I am wearing a straw sun hat and an N95 respirator; he has been captured mid-yawn and looks like he is doing a mighty roar.

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· 29d

tfw you go for a long walkie and then come home and have dinner and then get DA ZOOMIES! 😃

a smol dachshund-mix smiling like he has had quite a good evening indeed

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 13

*audience chanting Germanically* "WAAR! IS! DOOGLE?!?!?" 🇩🇪🐕🤷‍♀️

an unmade bed with the tip of a smol black tail sticking out from beneath the covers

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 10

omg i just realized that pierro was born on december 12th HE IS LITERALLY A WINTER LAMB 😭😭😭

a smol dachshund-mix snuggled up and snoozing in a person bed

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 8

tolerating mom taking YET ANOTHER pic 🙄

a smol dachshund-mix reclining on a cushion on a computer chair and looking at the camera like 🙄

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 8

wtf are you talking about it's literally still right there

Screenshot of an unopened email in my inbox from History Facts with the subject line "Whatever happened to Alcatraz?"

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 7

Well, Pierro seems mostly recovered now, but this was his WORST Fourth of July yet 😭 He was TERRIFIED until after midnight, and last night was no picnic either. If you set off personal fireworks in a residential neighborhood, please know that I have cursed you. Enjoy bad luck for the rest of 2026 😘

a smol dachshund-mix looking at the camera whilst holding a small squeaky bear toy his mouth. he may or may not still have residual trauma from the Fourth of July.

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 5

This is who you are absolutely TERRORIZING with your personal fireworks, by the way. Hope you feel good about that!

a smol dachshund-mix stretched out on a bed looking like the most sweet and innocent little man you have ever seen

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 4

I have often described Pierro as the "Norm" of my apartment because I make a huge deal every time he enters a room I am in (a thing he does approximately four thousand times a day) 🍻

a smol dachshund-mix giving a li'l squint to the camera

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 4

a smol dachshund-mix who could conceivably look like a hotdog if you were a drunk, hungry dumbass

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 4

The Fourth of July is a tough day for Pierro. In addition to the horrors of the Sky Booms™ (I wish you unending pain and misery if you set off personal fireworks in a residential neighborhood 😇), he has the added fear that someone might mistakenly try to eat him because of his sausage-shaped body.

a smol dachshund-mix looking concerned that some drunk dummy might mistake him for a hotdog and try to eat him in honor of America's dumb birthday

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 4

We've had some tonight that really freaked him out but now I've got him in my bedroom and I've been blasting '80s music to drown them out. I believe he's doing what the kids call "vibing" 😂

a smol dachshund-mix lying on a bed with his eyes closed and presumably vibing(?)

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 4

Truly, from the bottom of my heart, FUCK anyone who insists on setting off personal fireworks in residential areas (i.e., 90% of my neighborhood). I am absolutely dreading this whole weekend for my smol, easily terrified son 😥l

a smol dachshund-mix stretched out and looking comfy on a bed because he doesn't know what hell is about to be unleashed for the dumbfuck Fourth of July

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 3

Bonus tweet from someone else about how fireworks affect people with pain issues! As someone who deals with both muscle and nerve pain myself: can confirm!! Ironic that #DisabilityPride and #4thofJuly fall in the same month! Please find a less-intrusive way to be a POS today! 😃

Someone else's tweet from 8:10pm on July 3rd, 2023, that reads:

Y'all my body HURTS and I don't think any of you understand how fireworks affect disabled bodies so lemme tell you: every loud sound causes my body to tense up, increasing both muscle and nerve pain

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 3

he got da nighttime crazies 😈

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 2

Pierro is a pupper who likes his personal space, but often when he has reached his limit with snuggle time he will throw me a bone by still keeping his butt in contact with my arm 💗

a smol dachshund-mix curled up in the corner of a loveseat with his butt still resting on his mom's elbow

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 2

This is the best-worst thing I have EVER seen: @begillz.bsky.social was searching for Pride videos with the "I'm serving cunt" version of "I'm coming out" and accidentally typed it into the AI search field instead of the regular search field. This is what Meta AI barfed out IT WASN'T EVEN TUESDAY.

Screenshot of an accidental chat generated by Meta AI that says "Serving cunt energy" at the top. At 4:14pm, user typed in "i'm serving cunt" to which Meta AI replied:

YES YOU ARE 🔥

Strutting, snapping, face card never declines energy.

What's the occasion for this serve?
We celebrating or just Tuesday being iconic?

At the bottom of the exchange, it says "Meta Al named the chat Serving cunt energy." In the typing field, it says "Ask about Serving cunt energy..."

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jul 1

This poor little dude keeps asking me "why so many when it's not even july yet? 😥" and I am forced to tell him "because the people in our neighborhood are fucking monsters who hate you 😔"

a smol dachshund-mix attempting to snooze on an office chair in the midst of being fucking terrorized by fireworks

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jun 29

sun snek ☀️🐍

a smol dachshund-mix sunning himself on a mat. the shadow lines from the vertical blinds look like grill marks on his little sausage body. an instagram caption reads:

when you are
a furry snek
who loves
roasting in
the sun

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jun 29

With every passing year, these tweets from 2022 maintain the hat-trick of becoming funnier, sadder, and more relevant! 🏒

Two tweets of mine from Dec. 12th of 2022. The first one reads:

I get that u all doubled down so hard u can't back out, but it must be so embarrassing to still be a Dave Chappelle fan. Like, he brought ELON MUSK out at his show and then said "Everybody booing right now is in the cheap seats! 😂" That is some HARD-HITTING COMEDY! Truly the 🐐!

The second one reads:

Ppl replying "I'm still a fan!" Yes, I know. That is literally what I said in the tweet. I also know that, somewhere deep down, ur embarrassed by the fact that a man you have watched get increasingly less-funny brought the most dunked-on guy in the world out to MINUTES of boos 😘

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jun 28

Working on a coffee table book of all the explosive-diarrhea-inducing food that the people in my neighborhood leave out to tempt innocent doggos because they (the people; not the doggos) are lazy fucks who have moral objections to garbage cans 🙂

An open plastic container thingy of loaded nachos that is like 50% full. Someone has carefully placed it face-up on the curb because they want my dog to eat it and get explosive diarrhea.

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jun 28

NIGHT ZOOMIES! 💨

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jun 27

she's just like me fr 🥹

Screenshot from Variety that says:

Milly Alcock on 'Supergirl' Being Queer and Having No Love Interest

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jun 26

Last night I caught Pierro doing some SPECTACULAR Sleep Yips™️ and paw twitchies whilst he was having what was clearly a very aerobic dream! Volume up; sorry my white noise machine is loud af. #dogs #dogsofbluesky #sleepyips

Lauren Flans@laurenflans· Jun 25

The thrilling conclusion!! Only because if I don't put a stop to this now, I could fully see myself doing it for the next two decades!! 😃