Luke Kennard
@lukekennard
Novelist, poet, lecturer at University of Birmingham. Latest novel BLACK BAG out March 12th 2026.
Aw, to help me stay on track paying your upper management jerkoffs their millions of pounds in annual bonuses, thank you *so* much, British Gas!
I kind of admire the horrible honesty of think-pieces like this, but I’d personally give either of my sons both kidneys, survive as a brain in a jar and not care if they only sent a Christmas card every third year
In every sector, every profession, people like this are on six figure salaries. Why?
I too often rely on golden age Simpsons when I have to write an essay
It’s so funny to me that even shitty, cobbled together media outlets with zero legacy like LBC still think their readership is basically Horatio P. Moneybags. Like oh no a wealth tax heavens to betsy what would we do
This is simply NOT TRUE. It is called “The Pill Pocket” and is, and always has been, for storing nembies and goofballs.
Boys, I have some bad news: thanks to the insane ambitions of our government you’re going to have to walk to school when you’re… fucking 32 or something
I’ve had to jump through some hoops to get paid for freelance work at another university before, but this is the first time I’ve been forced to think about Cathy.
I don’t know if anyone else remembers this, but British chicken was tough as an old boot until around 1999. In fact all meat was *absolutely terrible* and almost impossible to chew enough to swallow. 1999 was The Great Tenderising.
They are in my parents’ house. The more urgent question is why the hell do YOU have them.
Guys, seriously, STOP - you’re like an off-puttingly conscientious lover. I got a train. It was an hour and a half. It was a *routine journey*, just as any fulfilling sexual experience should be for literally every human alive
Cape Fear was one of the VHS covers that used to really scare me in the several video rental shops in my small town. That and Jacob’s Ladder and also Point Break because of the disturbing masks I had no idea were supposed to be presidents
There’s this kind of spiritual and moral sickness that seems to afflict a lot of people where they start to believe that they are NEWS
My youngest would love to go to the Undertale symphony and it’s so great that it’s coming to Birmingham, but taking him and his brother would run to about 400 bucks after “booking fees” and “commission”
On AI in higher education, via Nabokov’s novel ‘Pnin’ (published 1957)
Oh yeah, right, Tesco I’m going to save that for fucking *2028* like some kind of 3rd century desert-dwelling ascetic
Something about the way the media talks to us about the economy always reminds me of Homer Simpson’s “Money can be exchanged for goods and services!”
“We realised we can basically just get away with charging whatever the hell we feel like for anything and you don’t really have much of a choice but to pay if you want to continue to be alive,” said one expert. “It’s great!”
🎵 Paranoid Putin / Puts up some teeth on a beach where some tourists have been / Internecine
Oh, right, just as well I don’t have 15 days to mark 800,000 words of assignments then isn’t it? 😂😭
Really enjoyed doing a reading and in-convo with former Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams.
I owe you an apology, cybercriminals, I wasn’t really familiar with your game
‘How did you get this number? It’s 3am! What the hell is wrong with you?’