my philosophy on dating men:

the last 12 miles were the hardest

Target got real wild this morning

the 3 stages of grief:

i have relapsed.

even the cpr dummies are getting more action than me

but, it’s my emotional support bag of bread, dad.

i just did

lowcoste

rip usa

the title of my senior honors thesis:

i woke up like this

she real af for this

what’s wrong, babe? you’ve barely touched your strait of hummuz.

main strategy to repay my student loan debt:

starting a band. naming it:

prepping for july 1st

happy pride

and to shopping bags you shall return. amen.

my son may or may not have committed some light voter fraud yesterday.

ready to be raptured by my uber driver

dunkin’ be real as all fuck for this

Hey, guys! I found it!!!!

my ride’s here, gang! later bitches!!!

my son’s daycare called. apparently, he got the wrong lunchbox. i told them he’s only allowed 3 Marlboro Reds at snacktime.

for when you want to feel even dumber than you look:

OK, WHO THE FUCK TOLD!?!?

so, get your fit right, bitches!!!

maha

r.i.p., usa