Olivia Falk

@olivigarden

Independent video games critic, programmer, and self-proclaimed queen of being thoroughly average. | 18+ | She/her 😊💕 📝 www.olivigarden.ca 📸 @mini_olivigarden

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Bluesky

gamer

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Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Jul 10

Screw this level. I hate it and everything it stands for. I don't care that part of the difficulty was self-imposed due to me wanting to get all three big purple coins in the same run I beat the level; this crap is so ass and I'm eternally grateful I never have to touch it again.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Jul 2

Momentarily stunlocked by the belly rubs (she went back to wiggling shortly after this).

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Jun 6

Listening to the Chrono Trigger soundtrack again for the first time in years, and I'm *living* for the fact that I still remember the lyrics to Gato's song despite not having played the game since high school. 😁

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Jun 2

Update: her feet have made an appearance, but she still seems as cozy as ever 🥹

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· May 26

My guy, your website doesn't even display properly on mobile; this is what happens half the time when I load it up. You need to hire *more human* engineers and spend *more time* reviewing *human code*, not fire a quarter of your workforce and reward vibecoded slop. 🤬

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· May 6

Look, as someone who doesn't run top-of-the-line hardware, I like to be careful when dunking on a game's performance; art style isn't always an indicator of what's going on behind the scenes. But I'm sorry, I think there's something wrong when a game that looks like this isn't even hitting 20 FPS.

A screenshot of a pixel art card game. Various fantasy characters (mages, warriors, etc.) are on individual cards with various effects. At the bottom centre is the player's hand of cards, on the top right is the enemy's lineup of active cards, and on the left are three empty spaces for the player to play cards into.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 29

It's been two weeks and I still haven't fully kicked this stupid cold...I'm starting to wonder if the doctor supervising my condition is really all that. 😕

A photo of a profoundly round owl plushie sitting on top of a digital clock radio. The owl has a gray head and ears, a white heart-shaped face, black dot eyes, and an orange triangle for a beak. He's wearing circular purple glasses, a white suit with a purple dress shirt and tie, a red heart lapel pin with a white cross in the centre, and a stethoscope wrapped around his neck. He looks exceedingly professional and like he'd be equally happy helping you get cold medicine or gender-affirming care.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 24

The statement from CMON's board on getting into Web3 slop is so stupid and out-of-touch, too. Yes, the decision to move into Web3 projects regularly emphasizes social responsibility and ethical practices. Know why? Because everything around Web3 is inherently irresponsible and unethical, you twats!

A screenshot of a quote from the article. The quote reads, “Added to this, entering into Web3 projects often emphasise social responsibility and ethical practices such as transparency and fairness on decision marking. By participating in Web3 projects, the company can demonstrate its commitment to social responsibility and sustainability."

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 23

Bluesky: "Ah yes, we have this helpful feature on our app where you can swipe sideways and go to a different feed!" Also Bluesky: "What if we displayed multiple images in a way that required you to swipe side to side to view them...surely this would never cause issues with existing features!"

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 12

ABZÛ is such a damn beautiful game, y'all, and replaying it on Switch was such a great decision on my part. I know I already wrote a review about it years ago, but I feel like I'm practically overflowing with new things I want to say about it.

A screenshot from the game ABZÛ. It depicts a cel-shaded underwater scene. The player character is a diver in a yellow and black suit. They are sitting cross-legged on a stone sculpture with their back to the camera. In front of them is a stretch of green-tinted ocean. Tall pillars form shadows in the distance, all manner of fish swim about (some with glowing eyes), and tall, neon-green stalks of vegetarion covered in large, oval-shaped leaves curl to the side as they're pushed by an underwater current.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 8

To anyone who's seen the Super Mario Galaxy Movie, I have to know: is Lubba in it? Because if they didn't put Best Girl™️ in there, then what's even the point?

The character Lubba from Super Mario Galaxy 2. She's a chubby purple star with blue eyes, a smiling mouth, and blue checkered pants.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 5

It might also help to have the absolute cutest little pup in the world snuggled up on the couch next to you while you do it, but I can't say for sure. 😅

A scruffy little white dog half curled up on a brown blanket laid over a couch. The dog looks exceedingly cozy and soft and is practically begging to be pet and snuggled for all eternity. ❤️

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 5

But I have to say, having just finished spending a few hours tearing it down and carefully cleaning it with alcohol-dipped cotton swabs, I'm sort of glad I had to go through that. It was immensely satisfying, surprisingly relaxing, and now I have a like-new controller I feel way more attached to. 😊

The same controller, now seen from the back and being held up. The back panel has been removed, revealing a large gray rectangular battery in the centre, the edges of a green motherboard peeking out around it, some white ribbon cables plugged into unseen ports, and black assemblies down either side of the controller for the triggers and vibration motors. In the background is a table holding the back plate of the controller and various bits of cleaning/repair gear, like some plastic pry tools and cotton swabs.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 5

I got a used DualSense controller, and after using it for a bit, I noticed the D-pad was kind of sticky and unresponsive. My first thought was, "Ugh, you've gotta be kidding me...what a pain," and that was only exacerbated when I looked all over the controller and found there were no visible screws.

A dark purple PlayStation DualSense controller. It has a four-way D-pad on the left, four circular face buttons (each with a different symbol) on the right, a large flat touchpad in the centre of the controller, two small oval buttons next to the upper corners of the touchpad, and two identical black control sticks below the touchpad with a small speaker grille in between.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 1

Rather fitting that on #TDOV I received a couple of trans-authored books in my mailbox! Huge thanks to @laurakbuzz.bsky.social and @janeiac.bsky.social for sending these out so quickly (and for signing them!) I can't wait to get started! 🥰

Two books sitting next to each other. The smaller one is a paperback titled "Who Hunts the Whale", with the subtitle "A satirical novel set in the exploitative world of big-budget game development". It's by Laura Kate Dale and Jane Aerith Magnet. Its cover art is in a pixelated style, and features various floors of a building. At the top are three people surrounded by dollar bills. Below them is the title, underlined with pixelated coins. Below that is someone working on a computer, someone else running back to their desk while carrying a cup of coffee, and a third person carrying a tray with two cups of coffee on it. Finally, at the bottom is a janitor mopping a floor with several energy drink cans strewn about.
The larger book is a hardcover titled "Things I Learned From Mario's Butt", with the subtitle "A series of gaming butt critiques". It's by Laura Kate Dale and illustrated by Zack Flavin. The cover illustration is a close-up of someone's butt (one presumes Mario's) in overalls.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Apr 1

Pizza acquired! 😁

Three slices of pizza on a white dinner plate. The outer two have black olives, sausage, and jalapeno pepper slices as toppings, and the middle one has tandoori chicken and pineapple on it. And they all have cheese, of course. They look (and were) absolutely delicious! 🤤

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Mar 16

Me when people say mean things to me online:

Solid Snake (a grizzled man dressed head to toe in leather tactical gear) is pointing a silenced pistol at a silly little cartoon green frog. The frog is standing on two legs, sort of looks like its hands are on its hips, and has a big, pleasant smile on its face.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Mar 16

If I ever become Supreme Leader of Everything in the Whole World™️, one of my decrees is going to be that every country's arts program has to have a clause like this. 😤

A quote from the article: "I’ve read through this a few times, just to make sure, and I didn’t see a section that says “if a woman kisses a woman at some point, which the Italian government thinks is super cool by the way, we’ll automatically fund your game.”"

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Mar 15

Apparently Princess Peach Showtime is rated E10+ for fantasy violence, where most other Mario games are rated E. Coincidentally, Wind Waker HD is also E10+ for fantasy violence. So I simply must assume that Nintendo allows Princess Peach to kill a man in cold blood in this game.

The cover of the Nintendo Switch game Princess Peach showtime. It depicts Princess Peach (a cartoon woman with long blonde hair in a ponytail) in an assortment of outfits: a baker uniform with a red checkered apron, a purple martial arts outfit, a detailed dark blue Musketeer outfit with a white cravat and a long silver rapier, and a poofy pink ballgown with long white gloves. In the bottom left corner is the ESRB rating for the game showing it is rated E10+.

The back cover of Princess Peach Showtime, showing the ESRB rating details in the bottom left corner. It is rated E10+ (Everyone 10+) for fantasy violence.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Mar 11

I'm quickly becoming a fan of the Fire Emblem school of naming your difficulty settings; i.e. rather than infantilizing players who select easier difficulties (looking at you, Wolfenstein 😒), they jokingly question the sanity of those willing to crank the challenge to the max.

A photo of the difficulty selection screen for Fire Emblem: Awakening. The difficulty options are: "Normal" (which is labeled as "For series beginners"), "Hard" (labeled as "For experienced players"), and "Lunatic" (labeled as "For expert players").

A photo of the difficulty selection screen in Fire Emblem: Three Houses. The difficulty options are: "Normal" (labeled as "For beginning and intermediate players"), "Hard" (labeled as "For experienced players"), and "Maddening" (labeled as "For those who crave a challenge").

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Mar 7

Me: "Ho ho hee hee, I'm ready for a quirky, puzzle-solving good time with my first-ever Professor Layton game!" Professor Layton and the Curious Village: "THIS MATCHSTICK DOG GOT RAN OVER BY A CAR NOW ARRANGE THE MATCHES TO LOOK LIKE HIS CORPSE!!!"

A photo of a handheld DS console showing a puzzle screen from the game Professor Layton and the Curious Village. The bottom screen of the handheld shows several matchsticks arranged in a way that loosely approximates the shape of a standing dog. The top screen shows the puzzle description, which reads: "The matches below are arranged in the shape of a dog. The poor little guy was just minding his own business when a car came barreling down the road and ran him over. Move two matches to change the picture so that it shows the dog after the accident. All puzzles are a matter of perspective, so don't assume that you'll be looking at the dog from the side by the time you're finished with this one."

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Mar 1

Self-care is eating a bowl of trans ice cream at stupid o'clock in the morning to stave off the bad vibes and imminent surgery anxiety, and I won't hear anyone tell me otherwise. 😎

A white bowl stuffed full of pastel blue and pink ice cream. A metal spoon is sticking out of it.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Feb 28

Just 'cause I feel like sharing: here's what I went with to start! :3 And yes, I know it's from Amazon; unfortunately, my reward points give a far better rate of return when buying on Amazon versus other stores. :/ But a good chunk of my games have been purchased locally from second-hand sellers! 😊

An order confirmation for a bunch of Switch 2-related stuff. From top to bottom, the items are: a charging dock for recharging up to four Joycons at once, thumb grip covers for the joysticks, with one shaped like a round pink axolotl and the other like a round green frog, a "pro"-style controller with red and white colouring, featuring a shy, blushing ghost design (a Boo from the Mario series), the Nintendo Switch 2 system itself, and a 3-pack of tempered glass screen protectors for the console.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Feb 26

Fricking Awaken Realms... It's apparently not enough to tarnish a classic Euro game with AI slop art, you also have to take the woman from the original box and tit her up so all the nerds playing cards and pushing wooden pieces around have some eye candy to stare at between turns? Bugger off. 🤬

The current box art for the board game Concordia. It features a bustling Mediterranean market inside a building, though a bright blue sky can be seen outside through a large arched passage. Numerous robed people and a centurion are perusing the wares, and some small birds are flying through the air. In the foreground is a middle-aged woman with a noble air buying fabric from an elderly male man. The woman has long brown hair done up in an elaborate curly hairstyle, as well as golden jewelery, a white sleeveless robe with an embroidered design over her right breast, and a long purple sash draped over one shoulder and her other arm. She has smooth facial features and a somewhat uncanny smile as she looks down at the money she's counting out in her hands. The man has a short white beard and moustache and is wearing faded blue robes, including a blue head covering.

The box art for Awaken Realms' Concordia: Special Edition. It features a woman standing in an area with an ornate column on either side of her and some bowls of fruit behind her. The columns don't seem to be actually holding anything up, and the more you look at it, the less sense the setting makes. There's also some red roofed buildings in the background and a blue sky with big white clouds, but the whole thing has the classic AI "piss filter" over it, making it look far less vibrant than it should be. The woman is carrying a large basket overflowing with green grapes, as well as a single apple...for some reason. Both her hands are holding the basket by its one looped handle, but she's holding it up just below her chest in a way that looks incredibly uncomfortable and impractical. The woman has long wavy brown hair done up in an elaborate style and is wearing a gold hair band and a gold bracelet, as well as a pure white robe and a flowing red sash that goes around her arms and down her back. Also, she has very sharp facial features and a fairly neutral expression, and her robe is extremely low-cut, showing off enough cleavage to make her look like she should be on a Harlequin romance novel cover.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Feb 22

Yeah, nothing wrong with keeping the plain red spines if that's your jam, but this type of thing is much more my speed, especially since it's how all my other game collections look! (Not my pic).

A shelf full of Nintendo Switch game cases that all have custom spines, showcasing the titles in various fun fonts with detailed background images. It's all very colourful and exciting to look at!

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Feb 17

Ah yes, my favourite Mario Kart World character: the Koopa Loaf.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Feb 10

Ah yes, I too enjoy *checks notes* making non-sequiter "jokes" about a fascist dictator's imperialist agenda in my *checks notes again* movie review about a Canadian music mockumentary. Frick off.

The Hollywood Reporter's website, showing the header for an article titled "'Nirvanna the Band the Show the Movie' Review: A Patience-Testing Canadian Mockumentary".
The sub-heading is "Matt Johnson's film concerns a pair of Toronto-based musicians who go to elaborate lengths to score a gig."
The article was written by Frank Scheck and published February 9, 2026.

A screenshot of some text from the article that reads, "Well, no disrespect to the unrealized 51st state, but I found Nirvanna the Band the Show the Movie to be as sophomoric as its title."

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Feb 9

Me looking at the map: "Boooo, why am I sitting amongst a bunch of programmer clusters, and even then I'm kinda isolated from all them?!" Me seeing all the cluster names were generated by an LLM: "Alas, one more problem I can blame AI slop for." 🤷🏻‍♀️

A map made up of a large quantity of blue and green dots, with many dots clustered into groups labeled things like "Programming Language Researchers", "PowerShell & Microsoft Community", "Microsoft Ecosystem Professionals", and "Filipino LGBTQ+ Tech & Creative Community". A dot labeled "olivigarden.ca" is circled in pink in the centre of the screen, and while it's closest to the aforementioned Microsoft-related clusters, it is still definitely outside of the main cluster areas.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Jan 3

As a dog owner, I simply must accept this information from Routine by @rawfury.bsky.social as incontrovertible fact.

A greenish-gray tinted screenshot from the video game Routine showing a computer monitor with the following text printed on it:

Your C.A.T. is powered by lithium-ion batteries.

You will need to keep the C.A.T. powered to use all of its functions.

Remaining battery power is displayed on the battery. This will be visible while inspecting the C.A.T. when a battery is inserted.

Olivia Falk@olivigarden· Dec 25

Decided to try Micro Macro: Crime City from @pegasusspiele.bsky.social for the first time tonight, and it's a lovely time! I'm not good enough to do the advanced mode where you solve the entire case just from the first card, but it's still a charming and chill way to spend a solo Christmas Eve! 🥰