Dinosaur Comics!

@qwantz

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Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· 11d

food that makes you ask your waiter, sir, have i offended you in some way qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Attention, everyone! It is high time we had a conversation...

T-Rex: ...about the NATURAL LIMITS OF FOODSTUFFS.

T-Rex: Look, we all like a REASONABLY-tall burger, but when you add SO MUCH to it that it can no longer fit inside a mouth - what are we doing?! That burger is no longer able to be grasped by two hands and chomped upon, WHICH IS THE DEFINING FEATURE OF A BURGER. You've pushed it too far, and produced something NEW: a DEGENERATE CASE OF BURGER!!

Utahraptor: Like how a ladder is - famously - a degenerate case of stairs!
T-Rex: EXACTLY!

T-Rex: Make stairs steep enough and GUESS WHAT - they STOP being stairs, and they start being LADDERS!! I had a taco whose soft shell, EVEN IF PROPERLY CONFIGURED, would reach but a FIFTH of the way up the sides of its filling! That's no longer a taco. That's a tall salad on an edible floppy plate.

T-Rex: Please don't deliver your degenerate cases of food unto me and watch as I'm forced, LIVE and IN PUBLIC, to devise a way to reasonably consume it.
T-Rex: *sigh*
T-Rex: The burger, the taco, AND MINE OWN BODY have natural limits which must be respected!!

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· 13d

YES PROBABILITY DOES NOT WORK THIS WAY, BUT LOOK: IN THIS CASE, IT JUST DID qwantz.com/index.php?co...

Narrator: TIME TO GET TO WORK AND DO THE THING
Narrator: a comic to read when it's time to get to work and do the thing that's due

Narrator: it's way overdue by now, actually

T-Rex: Okay, you! LISTEN UP: we've all postponed doing a thing - but no longer! It's time for you to do it! RIGHT NOW!!
Dromiceiomimus: But isn't it true that now that I've waited SO LONG to do it, it's actually WORSE to start now, and better to just continue NOT doing it... forever?

Utahraptor: Yeah, maybe whoever's expecting this thing to get done will just forget!
T-Rex: FRIG - that IS a great point!

T-Rex: Maybe whoever's expecting the thing will forget, or be abducted by aliens, or die, or be abducted by aliens and THEN die.
Utahraptor: Yes! And in EACH of these INCREASINGLY CREDIBLE scenarios, we don't actually HAVE to do the thing we've been delaying doing!!

Narrator: LATER: THE GUY WAITING ON T-REX GETS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS AND DIES, SO HE NEVER HAS TO DO IT AFTER ALL!
T-Rex: Hah hah hah, yes!!
Narrator: HOWEVER SOMEHOW THIS ACTUALLY MADE IT LESS LIKELY IT'LL HAPPEN TO YOUR GUY, SO YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR THING AFTER ALL
Narrator: SORRY

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· 15d

tell enough stories about a someone and you will inevitably hit the Turned Into A Horse episode qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, who had recently been turned into a horse but was otherwise able to perform his duties as detective, whinnied.

T-Rex: There was a new mystery that required his attention!!

T-Rex: The mystery was on the third floor of a building, but only once Sherlock got up there did he realize that he couldn't get back down. The incline of the stairs was too steep for Horse Sherlock, and he couldn't see where his feet were going. It was really really scary.
T-Rex: "As a horse I find a ton of things really really scary," he muttered, annoyed and scared.

Utahraptor: I thought being a horse wasn't interfering with his detective work!
T-Rex: It wasn't!

T-Rex: For the CASE, he'd already deduced who did it. That part was easy peasy and not scary at all. But then a leaf hit the window and made the slightest noise and Sherlock, again terrified, trampled three men to death in the enclosed space.

T-Rex: Luckily he turned back into a dinosaur later - SINCE WE'RE ALL DINOSAURS - and the cops were on the lookout for a horse, so in many ways it was the perfect crime.
Off panel: How'd he turn back?
T-Rex: With much relief!
T-Rex: OBVIOUSLY??

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· 18d

a bit of luck and a bit of guile isn't enough! you need a LOT of luck and need a medium amount of guile! qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Woodworking is a skill, developed over years of practice and study! And guess what?!

T-Rex: IT IS A SKILL I DO NOT HAVE.

T-Rex: I thought that was FINE. I thought I could skip it! I believed that with a bit of luck, a bit of guile, I truly COULD get through life without ever having to know woodworking!
Dromiceiomimus: But you failed?
T-Rex: I failed, Dromiceiomimus! My cabinet needs new shelves - WOODEN shelves!!

Utahraptor: So pay someone else to make them for you, dude!
T-Rex: NEVER!

T-Rex: If it were a new cabinet then MAYBE, but shelves are EASY - they're just wood rectangles! ANYONE should be able to cut a wood rectangle to size!
Utahraptor: Sounds like this isn't really about woodworking, but rather about ideas of identity and selfhood you've incorporated...

Off panel: ...perhaps as bedrock truths without ever realizing or critically examining them??
T-Rex: Okay, YES, OBVIOUSLY - but fixing THAT stuff will take DECADES!!
T-Rex: Sadly, it's simply easier to learn how to work a wood

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· 20d

maybe we were all holding back on photos until we got our faces under control qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Photography only goes back a century or so! We know what folks looked like then...

T-Rex: ...but we DON'T know what they looked like BEFORE then!!

T-Rex: MAYBE before photos everyone was all gross with tentacles coming out of their mouth, Cthulhu style??
Dromiceiomimus: If that were the case, I'm pretty sure it would've been represented in paintings and whatnot.
T-Rex: But maybe not, if they were all embarrassed!!
T-Rex: On account of their tentacles?

Utahraptor: Okay, well, it'd at least be in the newspapers of the time.
T-Rex: Aha! Not NECESSARILY!

T-Rex: MAYBE it was SO universal and established by then that it wasn't even worth REPORTING on anymore!! The news doesn't say "HOLD THE FRONT PAGE - NOTHING CHANGED TODAY"!
Utahraptor: And then when it went away, NOBODY wrote it down?
T-Rex: Oh, uh, THOSE records got lost.

Off panel: Well, I suppose there IS a small but non-zero chance, in the same way there's a small but non-zero chance a bunch of comets could spell out "HOITY TOITY IBBIT BOITY" in the sky.
T-Rex: Man - if I ever saw that, my mouth tentacles would be going HOG WILD

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· 22d

HOW TO PICK UP SEXY AND INTERESTING PEOPLE AT THE GYM qwantz.com/index.php?co...

Narrator: HOW TO PICK UP SEXY AND INTERESTING PEOPLE AT THE GYM
T-Rex: Oh, it's so easy!

T-Rex: First, you've got to work on your approach!

T-Rex: I recommend approaching with confidence, chest proud, legs locked. Then, bend your knees and, making sure to lift with your legs and not your back, lift them like you would any other deadlift.
Dromiceiomimus: Excellent advice!!

Narrator: NO, LIKE, HOW YOU'D PICK PEOPLE UP AT THE BAR
Utahraptor: Oh, this is even EASIER!

Utahraptor: If they've been drinking, you've ALREADY got your in. Approach them friendly-like, ask them about themselves, and while they're drunk and distracted trying to answer your question, you can pick them up and deposit them into a taxi or the car of their trusted friends.
T-Rex: And how!

Narrator: NO. NO, HOW DO I PICK PEOPLE UP ROMANTICALLY
T-Rex: Do the other two techniques we already said but with Barry White playing, or, if you're more literal: Fréd Chopin or Joey Brahms, famous composers of the early and mid-Romantic period, respectively. It ALWAYS works!!

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· 27d

i'd imagine it seems like MOST people hate growing hair, given how often we shave it, cut it, or destroy it with actual lasers??? qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Branding can do a lot. Selling dolls to boys who are afraid to play with dolls? "ACTION FIGURES" to the rescue!
T-Rex: That being the case...

T-Rex: I hereby suggest the following REBRANDS!

T-Rex: Hate doing the dishes? Sure, probably! But what if I told you it gained you VALUABLE XP, which will make you more appealing to EVERYONE? It's not "chores", it's "XP FARMING"!
Dromiceiomimus: Does this XP farming unlock FUTURE PERKS and POWERUPS??
T-Rex: Many, including "clean kitchen" and "house you are not ashamed of when company comes over"!

Utahraptor: Wowee! Got any others?
T-Rex: I sure do!!

T-Rex: Hate clothes shopping? Not if it's "customizing your build"! And it's not all the way there yet but I'm working on comparing growing hair to a Play-Doh fun factory.
Utahraptor: The toy that extruded paste in tube shapes?
T-Rex: Yeah, but in slow motion.

Off panel: Wait, who hates growing hair?
T-Rex: I don't know - I'm still working on the rebrand! It's not all the way there yet!
T-Rex: I ALREADY SAID IT'S NOT ALL THE WAY THERE YET!!

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· 29d

i'd tell you to walk it off, but you don't know how to walk, so - crawl it off! oh, no crawling yet either? uh... roll it off? qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Kids can be annoying.
T-Rex: (I mean this in the observational sense, not the permissive sense!!)

T-Rex: (They wouldn't WAIT for my permission anyway!!)

T-Rex: But, every single authority figure in their life is a former kid themselves, so none of US are free of shame either.
Dromiceiomimus: I admit: I dabbled with being a kid for a while there.
T-Rex: Dude, I went ALL IN on being a kid for a DECADE - YEARS of my PHYSICAL PRIME - and in the end? It was just a PHASE!!

Utahraptor: Same! I was even a baby once - I actually went FULL BABY - but I grew out of it.
T-Rex: We all do!

T-Rex: Anyway, the point is: I don't hold it against them. Yes, kids can be annoying, but they're just doing the same thing we all did.
Utahraptor: Some of my best friends are former kids.
T-Rex: I don't wanna brag, but ALL of mine are. I'm just enlightened that way.

Narrator: LATER, T-REX TRIES TO COMFORT A CRYING BABY:
T-Rex: Don't worry, kid! You'll grow out of this!!
Narrator: IT HAS MINIMAL TO NO EFFECT.
Narrator: THE END

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jul 10

yes mr. and mrs. flies decided to name their baby "thyme", what of it? it pairs nicely with his brother "horse" qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Normal detective stories are bland! We're all tired of detectives who solve mysteries the hard way by being smart and logical and well-versed in crimes.

T-Rex: What we WANT are detectives with SIGNIFICANT and game-breaking advantages!!

T-Rex: Hence my new character: Thyme Flies, the detective who travels through time! When an impossible mystery happens and nobody can solve it, he simply travels back in time to see what actually happened, then comes back and tells people.
Dromiceiomimus: Aha - but what if they don't BELIEVE him? This Cassandra setup could lead to a FASCINATING series of stories where -
T-Rex: He records video too.

Utahraptor: Okay, but - what if his clients think the video is FAKED?
T-Rex: If they're stupid, sure!

T-Rex: If the hire a DETECTIVE who TRAVELS TIME and when he comes back with ACTUAL VIDEO FROM THE PAST showing the crime in full HD they say "nuh-uh", then there's nothing I can do about that. Probably at that point Thyme Flies just shrugs and goes back in time and tells himself not to take those clients.

T-Rex: And before you say "what if the crime takes place in the dark so the video doesn't show anything" he has an infrared camera too.
Off panel: Damn
Off panel: This guy's GOOD

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jul 8

and i don't have to tell you this, but when that happens in a matter/antimatter intermix chamber it's not great qwantz.com/index.php?co...

Narrator: THE OPERATION WAS A SUCCESS:
T-Rex: The operation was a COMPLETE success! And now I've replaced all the knowledge in my brain about FICTIONAL characters and made-up starships...

T-Rex: ...with knowledge about REAL things instead!!

T-Rex: Do I know who Captain Picard is? NOT ANYMORE! Can I tell you how a warp drive - whatever THAT is! - works? NOT THESE DAYS!
T-Rex: All that information has been SURGICALLY REPLACED with FACTS, so now I'm gonna be smart about REAL things instead of being smart about fake things from TV!

Utahraptor: But fiction is how we learn about the world without having to live it!
T-Rex: ...Wait, what?

Utahraptor: Stories let us experience the lives we'll never live and relationships we'll never have, and we can LEARN from them, so we don't have to make the same mistakes these characters do. And you've lost that, T-Rex! Those made-up people had value!
T-Rex: Oh no! I gotta fix this, now!!

Narrator: BUT THEN:
T-Rex: I only got the warp drive facts back??
T-Rex: This makes me feel as lousy as a matter/antimatter intermix chamber whose coolant temperature is rising quickly beyond expected parameters??

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jul 6

i too am hard to use and gorgeous to look at. do i apologize? i do not. qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: A portable computer that fits in the palm of my hand and presents as a black bar of glass that I have to tap without ANY tactile feedback?

T-Rex: NO THANKS!

T-Rex: What *I* want is a computer that takes up a room - or at least one wall of it! I want my computer to have KNOBS and DIALS and METAL SWITCHES and BLINKY LIGHTS. There should be giant reels that spin and DEFINITELY whir. And bits that clack and clatter!
T-Rex: And you know what? I wouldn't say no to a lever either!

Utahraptor: Should the blinky lights be in multiple colours?
T-Rex: YES! Please, yes!

T-Rex: We've been SO FOCUSED on chasing portability and convenience that we've completely forgotten VIBES and AESTHETIC. I don't want the fastest or most capable computer! I want a computer that's HARD TO USE and GORGEOUS TO LOOK AT.
Utahraptor: Like me!
T-Rex: AND me!!

Narrator: LATER, T-REX MEETS SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T THINK EARLY ROOM-SIZED COMPUTERS ARE BEAUTIFUL MACHINES:
T-Rex: Wowee!
T-Rex: So THIS is what it feels like to meet your own personal bespoke WARIO!!

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jul 2

given the small size of our field we're also the worst there is at what we do, but we like to focus on the positive qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Batman, who was the world's greatest BAT-THEMED detective, realized he was much more than that too!

T-Rex: He was, for instance, also the world's greatest bat-themed FIGHTER!

T-Rex: Heck, he was the world's greatest bat-themed driver - and pilot too.
Dromiceiomimus: Not a lot of competition there, I think.
T-Rex: My point exactly! He chose an odd theme - bats - and it let him be best in the world at EVERYTHING HE DID WITH THAT THEME, thanks to a lack of competition!!

Utahraptor: And thanks to his decades of training, putting him in peak physical condition.
T-Rex: Sure!

T-Rex: But for you and me, who have spent decades of NOT training, putting us in OFF-PEAK physical condition, it shows how WE can still be best in the world at something too! We just need an unpopular theme, and we're set!
Utahraptor: All we need is something NOBODY likes!!

Narrator: AND THUS:
Off panel: Hello, is this the Flooded-Basement Themed Detective Agency?
T-Rex: We're the best there is at what we do, but what we do isn't very popular!

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 29

how often are you getting pizza pie thrown into your eyes, dean? dean. dean i just wanna know why you assumed that was a universal experience www.qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Dean Martin fan? POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT! "Amore" is when...

T-Rex: A) the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Dromiceiomimus: B) the moon hits your thigh with a soft gentle sigh

Utahraptor: C) the moon hits your face like an asteroid from space

T-Rex: Or D) the moon hits your bud with a sickening thud

T-Rex: Give up? The correct answer is "none of the above". Amore only TRULY occurs when the moon hits your bladder and it just makes you madder; the Dean Martin song intentionally obscures this truth.
Off panel: Good to know!

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 26

could the ultimate experience of flesh TRULY be made manifest before me? forsooth, by mine own actions?? qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: People are like "oh, shower beers! You gotta try a beer in the shower! SHOWER BEERS!!"

T-Rex: Not everyone is like that, but those who are seem to be trying to make up for everyone else!

T-Rex: So I've taken them at their word. I have partaken of a SHOWER BEER, Dromiceiomimus.
Dromiceiomimus: And? How was it?
T-Rex: It was a gateway drug!
Dromiceiomimus: Oh no!

T-Rex: Not to more shower BEERS - but to other shower FOODSTUFFS!
Utahraptor: Oh no!

T-Rex: No, "oh YES!". Utahraptor: SHOWER FRIES.
Utahraptor: Sounds soggy. And awful.
T-Rex: Shower soup?
Utahraptor: Diluted and awful.
T-Rex: SHOWER ICE CREAM SANDWICH.

Off panel: ...the water would aid in cleanup - plus the contrast between cold in your mouth and warm on your body would only heighten enjoyment??
Off panel: I need to go experience this right now, lest I perish before the ultimate experience of flesh is made manifest before me??

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 24

friends, romans, third type of guy: lend me your ears qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!"

T-Rex: Julius Caesar said it!

Dromiceiomimus: No he didn't. The very next line in that speech is "I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him" which would be impossible for Caesar to say, as he's clearly already dead.
T-Rex: I HAVEN'T SEEN THE PLAY. Maybe Caesar's alive in it and digs his own grave, and he says this before he hops in??

Utahraptor: Or you could admit you were wrong.
T-Rex: NEVER!

T-Rex: In MY world Shakespeare wrote a play where Caesar is held AT SWORDPOINT and forced to dig his own grave, and the dude chooses to soliloquy while he does it. He's not bad at the ol' soliloquy!
Utahraptor: Okay. In reality, he dies before that happens.
Utahraptor: Famously so.

Narrator: LATER, T-REX ADMITS HE WAS WRONG AND APOLOGIZES:
T-Rex: This shows character growth! Something SHAKESPEARE could learn from, hah!!
Off panel: He's widely considered a great writer, T-Rex.
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex: ...For real?

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 22

sherlock put on a hamburger costume and deduced it felt all wrong for him. he was a polish sausage costume guy or he was NOTHING qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, who was the world's greatest detective NOT currently wearing a hamburger costume, frowned. He had the strangest sensation there was a better detective than him...

T-Rex: ...and they were currently wearing a hamburger costume!

Dromiceiomimus: Sounds like a really strange sensation to have.
T-Rex: It was! Sherlock was very aware that he'd never felt ANYTHING like this before, and yet, he could clearly identify WHAT this sensation was and what it meant. How was this possible?

Utahraptor: How WAS this possible?
T-Rex: Sherlock was about to find out!

T-Rex: He did a TON of research into the brain and concluded that - despite feeling in his SOUL there was someone better at detecting than him, currently be-hamburgered - it was likely not true. Gut feelings are just feelings, and they are easily wrong!

T-Rex: Meanwhile, two towns over, a turtle WAS dressed in an adorable hamburger costume, but compared to Sherlock's detective skills, this turtle was just a 6/10.
Off panel: Pretty good for a turtle!
T-Rex: HER adventures continue in an unrelated narrative; sadly we're stuck with Sherlock!!

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 19

look, we ALL wish there was more to life than sprinting through museums as fast as possible, but that is really all there is qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: I can listen to music 24/7, a new song each time, and never run out before I die.

T-Rex: Okay everyone! Music's solved!!

Dromiceiomimus: And you can read every waking minute and never run out of books, so literature's solved too?
T-Rex: Yep! And paintings: I can SPRINT past endless rows of paintings and never run out of new paintings to see, so we're good there too.

Utahraptor: Wow! I guess that's it for art! All arts!
T-Rex: Guess so!

Utahraptor: But wait, a younger person than you has many more years to consume things as quickly as possible before death.
T-Rex: Hmm, true. We MAY need just a little bit more art yet. Fifteen minutes of global effort ought to do it.

Off panel: Unless - wait, is it possible there's MORE to art, music, literature - more to LIFE, honestly - than just consuming things as quickly as possible until death finally claims you??
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex: ...Sadly, no

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 17

NOW what am i supposed to do with all these 76-gram candles made of pure sperm whale oil?? qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: One day we invented non-candle-based lights, and wanted a way to compare them to the candles we already knew!

T-Rex: Hence: CANDLEPOWER.

T-Rex: An electric light with one candlepower meant it gave off as much light as one candle - SPECIFICALLY, one 76-gram candle made of pure sperm whale oil (ew) that burned at 7.8 grams an hour.
Dromiceiomimus: I've never heard of "candlepower".
T-Rex: That's because we stopped using it and made up a better measurement!

Utahraptor: But we DO still use horsepower!
T-Rex: Exactly!

T-Rex: We don't use horses much anymore - probably less than candles, really, since when the power goes out we search our cupboards for candles and not horses - but we still look at EVERY single engine we build and calculate how many horses it could replace.
Utahraptor: It feels personal.

Narrator: LATER, T-REX APOLOGIZES FOR THE CENTURIES OF HUMILIATION FOR HORSES:
T-Rex: Sorry, horses. Are we cool?
Off panel: Neigh
T-Rex: I know that's just a sound you make and you're not actually saying "nay".
Off panel: Wow

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 15

whenever a character in a movie looks through binoculars they should see that old-timey silent film train racing towards them, and THEN, according to KULESHOV, when they lower their binoculars we'll all get to see a reaction to that train. filmic art, baby qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Everyone loves when you mash two SONGS together...

T-Rex: ...but what happens when you mash two MOVIES together instead??

Dromiceiomimus: I'm not actually sure that'd be successful.
T-Rex: Oh, sure it would be! Like imagine you have Back to the Future, but when Marty hooks up his 1985 camcorder to the TV in 1955, instead of seeing the footage he recorded of Temporal Experiment Number One, he sees a scene from ANOTHER movie.

Utahraptor: Yeah, but that's not - good. That'd just be weird.
T-Rex: Okay, try this!

T-Rex: Imagine you have Back to the Future 2, but when Marty looks through his binoculars, instead of seeing 1950s Biff with the Sports Almanac, he sees a scene from ANOTHER movie!
Utahraptor: ...Do you have any examples that are good?
T-Rex: OF COURSE! Just - just give me five minutes to think!!

Narrator: FIVE MINUTES LATER:
T-Rex: ...No.

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 12

meet a thousand babies and only four of them will be suckers! this is good news for anyone whose life has - perhaps through no fault of their own - brought them to circumstances in which they must now absolutely meet one thousand babies qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: There's a sucker born every minute.

T-Rex: P.T. Barnum said it!

T-Rex: So that's 60 suckers an hour, 1440 suckers a day, and 525,600 suckers every non-leap calendar year.
Dromiceiomimus: And in a more accurate solar year of approximately 365 days, 5 hours, and 48 minutes, that works out to 525,948 suckers/year!

Utahraptor: Lot of suckers.
T-Rex: LOT of suckers!

T-Rex: But surprisingly: actually a LOW amount of suckers! There's about 15,000 babies born every hour, and by "born" I mean "hatched", of course -
Utahraptor: Of course.
T-Rex: - and THAT works out to 250 babies per minute. So just 0.4% of ALL babies are suckers: less than 1%!

God: T-REX THERE'S ACTUALLY NO EVIDENCE P.T. BARNUM EVER SAID THAT SO PERHAPS THIS MAKES YOU THE SUCKER
T-Rex: Yeah, that makes sense.
T-Rex: *sigh*
T-Rex: ...I was assigned sucker at birth

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 10

i have some "regrets" qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Sometimes - not always, but sometimes - we wake up "on the wrong side of the bed."
T-Rex: And then we're "a real pain to be around"...

T-Rex: ...and "not fun at all"??

Dromiceiomimus: Did someone say this to you recently, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Oh no! I was speaking hypothetically.
Dromiceiomimus: Oh, it's just - with all the finger quotes you're making it really seemed like you were quoting someone.
T-Rex: Well, "sorry."

Utahraptor: Oh no! T-Rex, you've got finger-quotes disease!!
T-Rex: Is there a "cure"?

Utahraptor: No! For the rest of your days people will assume you're quoting someone, largely because you keep making finger quotes around certain phrases!
T-Rex: Well frig, I guess having "friends" is "off the table."
Utahraptor: No - we'll stick with you - no matter what!!

Off panel: Everyone, please meet my good friend T-Rex. Just so you know, he has finger-quotes disease.
T-Rex: Oh hi, it's "nice" to meet you!
Off panel: ...We're looking into amputation-based treatments.
T-Rex: "Treatments".

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 8

getting hate mail from a dog is ruff, ruff, ruff qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Would a rude stranger's unsolicited opinion change your mind on something?

T-Rex: Probably not, right?

T-Rex: See, THIS is why hate mail doesn't work. You can't say "hey, I think you suck" because you're just one guy! It doesn't matter!
T-Rex: BUT: if you say "hey, me and all my friends think you suck! P.S. I have two (2) friends" then you have just MULTIPLIED the effect of your hate mail!
Dromiceiomimus: That's a pro-tip for all you hate-mailers out there.

Utahraptor: What about "me and everyone I know (5 guys, 65 dogs) think you suck"?
T-Rex: Oh dang!

T-Rex: That one is DEVASTATING, but only because of the dogs. I can easily disappoint five guys before breakfast - AND I HAVE - but to let down even a SINGLE good dog? I would be CRESTFALLEN.
Utahraptor: And to let that dog down so much that they learnt to WRITE just to tell you that?

T-Rex: No!!
Off panel: And if that VERY good dog was SO SINCERE in their disappointment that they SIGNED their letter... with an adorable INKY PAW PRINT?
T-Rex: No. No!
T-Rex: NO NO NO!!

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 5

the gun-powered mousetrap is precisely the sort of invention you get when you have WAY too many guns and WAY too many mice qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: Ted entered his time machine, engaged the temporal drive - and as it spun up he tore through TIME ITSELF, back, years and years...

T-Rex: ...to a time BEFORE BALLET.

Dromiceiomimus: ...Sorry, I don't know when that is. WHEN precisely was ballet invented?
T-Rex: Let's just say Tim found himself -
Dromiceiomimus: Ted.
T-Rex: Ted found himself in an era BEFORE the nail clipper, as WE know it - before even THE GUN-POWERED MOUSETRAP!

Utahraptor: I didn't even know we - what, it's a gun with cheese at the end of the barrel, attached to the trigger??
T-Rex: Yep!

T-Rex: Anyway, Ted exited his time machine and found himself in a strange new world - yes, it WAS Earth, but it was Earth before... THE BOOKWHEEL!!
Utahraptor: Uh
T-Rex: It's a giant wheel full of books, so you can rotate through books without standing up to get more books.

T-Rex: Eugh, FINE, he was in 1587.
Off panel: How did folks clip their nails then?
T-Rex: WELL!
T-Rex: ...With some difficulty

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 3

t-rex's fifth sentence in panel three is my affirmation in the mirror every single morning qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: My memories contain my history, my relationships - the very SOUL of who I am. They are unique, irreplaceable, absolutely singular.

T-Rex: So... time to FORGET THEM OVER TIME, I GUESS??

T-Rex: What the hell, brains? Who decided it was a rad thing to have us FORGET WHO WE ARE OVER TIME? That's WILD. That's HOG WILD. The greatest argument in history against intelligent design is MY BODY, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
God: HEY
T-Rex: I said what I said!!

Utahraptor: Yeah, but you don't forget EVERYTHING.
T-Rex: How do you know?

T-Rex: We have no way to back up our memories, AND no index of what they contain! Things disappear silently ALL THE TIME, and we'll never know what's there. Hell, the universe itself could've STARTED ten seconds ago, and we were all created with a bunch of FAKE MEMORIES, and we'd have NO WAY to know!

God: DANG YOU FIGURED IT OUT REALLY FAST THIS TIME
T-Rex: Wait, really?
God: YEAH THE LAST RECORD WAS 13.8 BILLION YEARS AND YOU GOT IT IN 13.8 SECONDS
God: HECKS AND DANGS MY DUDES
God: HECKS AND GOSH-DARNED DANGS

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· Jun 1

in the final analysis we really should've had more blue things lying around in panel five before we tried this, but it's too late for that now! it's over 23 years too late for that now!! qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: We've got colour photography, and that looks good. And we've got black and white photography, and THAT looks good too!

T-Rex: But why'd we stop there?!

T-Rex: "Black and white" was just an historical and technological accident - a steppingstone to colour, but photographers STILL use it because they love it and it slaps! And now that we have the technology, we should explore OTHER colour spaces too.
Dromiceiomimus: If I may be so bold: blue and yellow?
T-Rex: The colours that DOGS can see, yes! DOG VISION!!

T-Rex: What NEW ARTS and UNHERALDED EMOTIONS will we find as we explore these colours?
Utahraptor: One way to find out!!

T-Rex: ...Oh. Uh, it might be bad though.
Utahraptor: Yeah, it might look more like pee vision than dog vision.

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· May 29

t-rex goes to the gym one (1) time qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: The gym is a great place to go if you want to blast your quads.

T-Rex: Easily a top ten quad-blasting locale!

Dromiceiomimus: But what if you want to blast your GLUTES?
T-Rex: Gym, Dromiceiomimus!
Dromiceiomimus: And your ceps, both bi AND tri?
T-Rex: The gym is the place to be!!

Utahraptor: What about my DODECAceps?
T-Rex: Those don't exist, so - don't go to the gym for those.

Utahraptor: Sure they do - I've got mine right here.
T-Rex: Where? Show me.
Utahraptor: Right here! On my belly. I've raised my arms so you can see them.
T-Rex: My friend, I'm squinting but I don't see ANYTHING!!

Narrator: LATER, T-REX ADMIRES UTAHRAPTOR'S DODECACEPS:
T-Rex: Oh THERE they are! I think you should go to the doctor.
Off panel: ...
Off panel: ...Yeah

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· May 27

imagine beethoven, but with a sick drop. but be careful because i started doing that once and now i can't stop imagining beethoven but with a sick drop qwantz.com/index.php?co...

Narrator: COMICS ABOUT OUT-OF-GENRE COVERS
T-Rex: This is when music sounds NOT how you expected it to! There are lots of musicians who will take olde-timey songs and make them sound more modern -

T-Rex: - USUALLY but not always by adding a KILLER BEAT and SICK DROP -

T-Rex: - and there are also musicians who will take a modern song and make it sound olde-timey, usually but not always by removing ALL sick drops they come across, which is tough but fair.
Dromiceiomimus: Hard to say goodbye to the sickest of drops, but I understand it.
T-Rex: In time, I hope to too.
Narrator: THE END

Narrator: COMICS ABOUT IN-GENRE COVERS
Utahraptor: This is when music sounds how you expect it to!

Utahraptor: This is when you hear a music that makes you say "...huh. That IS how I expected things to sound like."
T-Rex: "I've learned little, challenged nothing."

T-Rex: Sometimes in-genre covers ARE better than the original music, but those are merely SECRET out-of-genre covers, moving them as they do into the "certified bangers all day long" genre and out of the "abandon bangers all ye you enter here" subspace.
Narrator: THE END

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· May 25

to answer your question, yes, he brought utahraptor to his doctor's appointment. that's what friends do for each other www.qwantz.com/index.php?co...

Narrator: T-REX HAS TRAVELLED BACK IN TIME TO 1993:
T-Rex: Everyone, you need to listen to me! It turns out there's downsides to having an "INTER NET"...

T-Rex: ...especially once it becomes functionally mandatory!

T-Rex: Where to even start -- scams, I guess? Scammers will be able to prey on EVERYONE, and all these seniors will be losing money because THE MOST EFFECTIVE SCAMMERS IN THE WORLD will be able contact anyone on the planet! They -
T-Rex: - Dromiceiomimus, what are YOU doing here?

Utahraptor: I'M here too!
T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR!

T-Rex: Aw man, I haven't gone back in time to 1993 at all, have I? So I'm still here in the present, and going back in time WON'T solve our problem(s)?
Utahraptor: Time travel is NEVER the solution, T-Rex.
T-Rex: We'll see about THAT!!

Narrator: SHORTLY:
Off panel: As your doctor, I prescribe rest. Just give it time, T-Rex.
T-Rex: So FORWARD time travel, at the rate of one second per second, DOES solve things?!
T-Rex: JUST AS I SUSPECTED??

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· May 22

we don't know how to swim and we don't know how to not poop our pants every time. being a baby is mortifying and you can't even explain yourself qwantz.com/index.php?co...

T-Rex: How come humans have to LEARN how to swim?

T-Rex: DOGS know how to do it from the start!

T-Rex: Honestly, what is WITH humans? They need to be taught everything. Did you know humans aren't born with a language? They make their babies GUESS at it by listening to older humans speak!
Dromiceiomimus: But how then do they speak the perfect language of the angels, which is of course what we dinosaurs use?
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! THEY DON'T!

Utahraptor: Wait - they don't speak the perfect language of the angels?? Like, at all?
T-Rex: NO!!

Utahraptor: But - SURELY they still have the word that, when you say it, SO beautifully captures the very heart of your soul that everyone who hears it has an immaculate understanding of who you are and what you want?
T-Rex: Utahraptor, THEY DON'T HAVE THAT WORD!
Utahraptor: WHAT?!

Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex: %%%%%%%!!
Off panel: I KNOW you want to go eat some fried chicken parts, T-Rex, you don't need to tell me every day.
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex: Sorry

Dinosaur Comics!@qwantz· May 20

whether or not crows evolved into existence in a day will be of CRITICAL importance later, but by then it will be far too late www.qwantz.com/index.php?co...