Cronches 🇵🇸

@redpandacronches

Early 30s goof whispering into the void. She/her, double demi, bi and shy, with a little bit of spice✨ (severe depression). If I like you, I WILL bite you. Free 🇵🇸🇨🇩🇸🇩. picrew pfp

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Cronches 🇵🇸@redpandacronches· Jul 9

a double duty positive pride: I'm proud of my self reflective writing. I love when I can see and acknowledge the beauty in it, that I love it as much as I would love something from a sister. I love that it helps me learn to love myself 🥹💜

$My spirit and my soul and my body and my mind feel like fractured pieces of mosaic, pulled from a million shards to reveal that they are not meant to fit together at all. And yet. When the synergy is at its peak, I feel invincible. I want to take those pieces, fashion a ship, a grand floating vessel, and ride out the waves. The highs and lows leave their own sets of marks but I am still here. Intact. Slowly learning to fall in love with myself again.$

Cronches 🇵🇸@redpandacronches· Jul 9

some serotonin for the tl. I wish I had the source for this but I do not 😭 either way, WOMBATS 💖

Cronches 🇵🇸@redpandacronches· Jul 7

yet another vent (what a surprise)

round
and around
and around
and around

it's a hurricane of thoughts that won't leave me be, the pressure in the back of my skull akin to the rising pressure of an oncoming storm, the fused plates at that pressure point threatening to crack. I make mistakes and feel bad but the reactions and anger and disappointment renew the pseudo (not so pseudo?) trauma of emotional entanglement and mutual misery, each wave feeding into one another. who knows if verbalizing actually will relieve this infinite headache that hides but is always ready to strike. but at least it makes physical the memory of that pressure so that I can't trick myself into thinking it's all some bizarre fantasy

Cronches 🇵🇸@redpandacronches· Jul 2

a fatigue vent

I despise feeling tired like this. like there's a weight slowly seeping into my bones, and the resulting lead just makes every movement hard. I can't think. I can't work. I can't unwind. and I can't spare any energy on the people who need me. and the burnout feels like it's been ongoing for weeks, like a low grade fever that I can't do anything about, but is draining me regardless. I don't have a choice but to keep slogging on, and some days it feels like I've finally gotten past it. but it does feel more like denial about how tired I am and why.

Cronches 🇵🇸@redpandacronches· Jun 27

midnight (or close enough) musings

I've been meaning to have a sappy ramble and it's two in the morning, so I think now is the appropriate time.
I was listening to a video essay the other day that was about the ethics of an audience when it comes to past works (where the creators can have no fiscal benefit from our consumption) made by terrible people. obviously the first thing to come to mind is hp, but that's not what I'm talking about, nor was it what that video essay was talking about.
there's a very uncomfortable feeling when it comes to thinking about ANY book or show or movie I enjoyed before caring about the morality of their creators. books by eoin colfer, the video game "the cat lady," the pirates of the caribbean original trilogy. there aren't "should be stricken from history" worthy flaws but the humans involved in making these things have behaviors and takes that are Not Great. and so looking at media that I used to enjoy makes me cringe because of the ignorance behind that enjoyment. but I do think it's worth contemplating about the effects these things had on me. on my love for fantasy or drama or horror, the words these things gave me for feelings that child me couldn't verbalize. it's harder to see adolescent me as a child when I think about these things because the ripples of those mindsets still

because the ripples of those mindsets still exist, I still live these feelings and emotions and, most of all, catharsis. and putting pen to paper (or rather, finger to keyboard) lets my complicated feelings about responsibility versus human flaws - both forgivable and unforgivable - versus intrinsic value swirl together.
I grew up in a bubble of a city, where I didn't know how white washed, how elitist, how ignorant my education made me. and I sometimes resent the fact that the media, the online personalities, the priorities that were formative to me at that time were as important as they were. it's like I am judging the younger me for not having better influences. but that isn't how the brain or the heart or emotions work. the infinitely spiraling neural and social connections I make in my life will obviously encounter people or things that are, unfortunately, bad in character or intention. and it's important to me to distinguish and understand the intent and effects of the things I encounter in the world. but I also want to acknowledge and, in a specific scope, appreciate the part of me (my response, my emotions, my thought processes) that contributes to my memory of those things. I love the me that, despite the racist or islamophobic undertones of those things, found hope and catharsis and even joy. and I shouldn't shame the things I've grown past as some kind of personal failing, because I DID move past them, and I'm a better person than I was then BECAUSE I choose knowing over the bliss of ignorance.
I don't know if that means anything to anyone else, but I have a hard time complimenting or praising myself anyway, so I feel like even background musings like this are important to untangle in my brain. if you read all of this, WOW! but also thanks for being here. you definitely make the world a better place <3

Cronches 🇵🇸@redpandacronches· Jun 26

28. no, and it would probably be fine, but I'm squeamish 😖 29. full counters - I'm a bit of a neat freak, but I can deal with messy rooms IF there are clean spaces. if I have no cleared area, my brain goes nonfunctional 30. Putrajaya, Malasia - absolutely gorgeous masjid, sweet little bay, so pretty