ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!

@shalamarr

61. She/her. Loves beauty, gay pirates 🏴‍☠️, “Deadloch”, “Good Omens”, and the hockey boys 🏒 . Writes OFMD fics (

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ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jul 12

Chapter two of “Thirty-Six Hours” is up! Warning: this one gets pretty dark. https://archiveofourown.org/works/87141526/chapters/233475726#workskin

4:37PM Sun Jul 12
= 100% 4•
Language:
Stats:
archiveofourown.org
everyone needs a hug except Ned Low, Buried Alive, Alternate start to
Season Two, Podfic Welcome, Whump, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism,
Drug
Use, Minor Character Death
English
Published: 2026-06-23 Updated: 2026-07-12 Words: 13,707
Chapters: 2/5
Comments: 16 Kudos: 20 Hits: 147
Thirty-Six Hours
Shalamarr
Edit Chapter
Chapter 2: Ed
Summary:
"Jesus fucking Christ, Hands, even if the ship you've spotted belongs to King
George himself, I don't give a fuck, and if you want to keep the toes you've
got left, you'll -".
"It's not a ship. It's a note."
"A what?".
"A note, addressed to you. It was just delivered."
If anyone else had told Ed that, he would've suspected that person of having
him on, but this was Izzy Hands. He lacked a sense of humour at the best of
times, and it was unlikely that he or anyone else would call these the best of
times. "How the fuck was it delivered? We're in the middle of the bloody
ocean!".
"Carrier pigeon, sir."
That made a little more sense, but even so, carrier pigeons were precious,
rare commodities, and sending them this far out to sea was risky. Who would
want to get hold of him that badly?
Ned Low kept the promise he made to Stede in the previous chapter and has
sent Ed a note, letting him know that he's stolen something of Ed's. Will Ed be
able to decipher the note? Will he even bother trying, now that he's fully in his
Kraken era consisting of booze, drugs and violence?
Notes:
WARNING: part of this chapter deals with a minor character's death, and I've
updated the tags accordingly.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jul 10

Here's an older #OFMD fic that employs a camping theme! It's got Jack being a dick, Ed hating nature, and Stede in his birthday suit. If "Naked Came the Stranger" has been on your TBR list, this is your chance! archiveofourown.org/works/61038382

Woah.

Ed’s eyes widened.

Strong arms. Broad freckled shoulders. Golden-haired chest. And, faintly visible through the bushes’ lower branches, long legs.

All completely devoid of anything resembling clothing.

“You’re naked!”, he blurted.

There was an audible sniff of irritation. “Thank you so much for stating the obvious. It’s not like I was feeling horribly awkward, or anything.”

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jul 9

Get yer filthy minds out of the gutter, ya pervs.

Crossword puzzle whose clue is “hole near a tongue”. Oh myyyy …

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jul 9

Here’s my fic for Day 8! “Not So Secret Anymore”. We’ve got our two favourite doofuses being bonkers for each other, Lucius being Lucius, and now I really want burgers. https://archiveofourown.org/works/88197741

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationship:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
Stats:
Teen And Up Audiences
Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
M/M
Our Flag Means Death (TV)
Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet
Stede Bonnet, Blackbeard | Edward Teach, Israel Hands, Lucius Spriggs,
Black Pete (Our Flag Means Death), Fang (Our Flag Means Death),
Frenchie (Our Flag Means Death)
Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Office, Fluff
Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Romantic Fluff, Blackbeard | Edward Teach Loves
Stede Bonnet, Everyone's in their late twenties here except Izzy, Izzy's
canon age more or less (mid-forties), Idiots in Love, Podfic Welcome
English
Published: 2026-07-09 Words: 4,450 Chapters: 1/1 Hits: O
Not So Secret Anymore
Shalamarr
Summary:
Stede and Ed are colleagues who are head-over-heels for each other, but
they're keeping their relationship a secret, because they're certain they'll be
fired if it ever comes to light. Are they correct? Well, you know what they say
about the word "assume".
'. Let's just say that these two put the "idiots" in
"idiots in love"
• Never fear, though, there's a happy ending afoot!
- ----
This is for Day 8 of the "Our Summer Means Death" challenge. The prompt
was "BBQ"
Notes:
Title comes from Depeche Mode's "My Secret Garden"

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jul 6

Stede’s expression here, oh my God. He looks so jealous and possessive!

Photo of Stede, Ed, and Zheng from season two of “Our Flag Means Death”. Ed is looking admiringly at Zheng while Stede looks REALLY insecure.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jul 5

Rockin my Pride on the Prairies tee! (Ignore how tilted the photo looks. I swear I wasn’t drunk!)

Me wearing my new Pride on the Prairies tshirt and looking fab.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jul 2

He looked thoughtful and said “I know some artists. Maybe I should talk to them.” “Yes! Great idea!”. These are the works I commissioned, by the way, from the incredible @adhdedteach.bsky.social and @self-induljennt.bsky.social! They are so talented, y’all!

Illustration of Ed from “Moonlight Becomes You” in full witch mode.

Ed and Stede from “Daft and Dewy-Eyed Dopes”.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jul 1

#WIPWednesday! Here's a snippet from the next chapter of "Thirty-Six Hours", which will be Ed-centric.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Hands, even if the ship you’ve spotted belongs to King George himself, I don’t give a fuck, and if you want to keep the toes you’ve got left, you’ll –”.

“It’s not a ship, Captain. It’s a note.”

“A what?”.

“A note, addressed to you. It was just delivered.”

If anyone else had told Ed that, he would’ve suspected that person of having a laugh, but this was Izzy Hands. He lacked a sense of humour at the best of times, and it was unlikely that he or anyone else would call these the best of times. “How the fuck was it delivered? We’re in the middle of the bloody ocean!”.

“Carrier pigeon, sir.”

That made a little more sense, but even so, carrier pigeons were precious, rare commodities, and sending them this far out to sea was risky. Who would want to get hold of him that badly?

Moving slowly so as to not jostle his aching head, Ed opened the door. “Give it here.”

Izzy handed it over. Ed unfolded it and read it in silence. When he was done, he gave it to Izzy, who read it aloud.

“Blackbeard:

This is to inform you that I recently stole a golden treasure from you and buried it somewhere in the Caribbean.

I will not tell you where. That is up to you to deduce.

You may choose to believe that I am joking. That is your prerogative, but let me assure you, I am deadly serious.”

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 30

For #TakeTwoTuesday, and because it’s this #OFMD fic’s anniversary, here’s “Chance and Chemistry”. Inspired by @denizb33.bsky.social’s “If I Were a Bell, I’d be Ringing”. We’ve got belly dancing! Strippers! Ed and Stede being stupid in love! https://archiveofourown.org/works/65986558

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
Collections:
Stats:
Teen And Up Audiences
Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
M/M
Our Flag Means Death (TV)
Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet, Black Pete/Lucius Spriggs,
Anne Bonny/Mary Read
Stede Bonnet, Blackbeard | Edward Teach, Crew of the Revenge (Our
Flag Means Death, Anne Bonny, Mary Read, Lucius Spriggs, Original
Male Character(s)
Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Romantic Fluff, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties,
Blackbeard | Edward Teach Loves Stede Bonnet, Stede Bonnet Loves
Blackbeard | Edward Teach, Belly Dancing, Podfic Welcome, Alternate
Universe - Modern Setting
English
Our Flag Means Death Remix 2025
Published: 2025-06-30 Words: 4,927 Chapters: 1/1 Comments:
13 Kudos: 36
Bookmarks:
2
Hits: 196
Chance and Chemistry
Shalamarr
Summary:
"What's the matter? Don't you like bachelor parties?".
The truth was that Stede didn't, not really, especially when they were
accompanied by that snickering attitude of "You poor sap, this is your last
chance to enjoy yourself before you get shackled to the same person for the
rest of your life.'
"
-----
This was written for the "Our Flag Means Death Remix 2025". It was inspired
by the charming and delightful "If I Were a Bell, I'd Be Ringing" by Deniz_B.
Their title came from a Guys and Dolls song, and so does mine (mine is from
"I'll Know"). Whereas their story was written from Ed's perspective, mine is
written from Stede's.
Notes:
For Deniz_B.
Inspired by If I Were a Bell, I'd Be Ringing by Deniz_B

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 29

Look at this beautiful bookmark I got through the @ourfamilyourfight.bsky.social auction! All the thanks to @dimsimkitty.bsky.social for making it and @fakegeekboy.bsky.social for getting it to me!

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 29

Listen, I’m not saying that this snippet of my #OFMD fic “Daft and Dewy-Eyed Dopes” willed this into existence, but I’m not NOT saying it.

He was about to hit Send when Lucius suddenly shrieked like a banshee, startling the hell out of him. "Jesus!". Pete flailed and knocked over his coffee. "Aw man, what a mess! And it was expensive, too! Why'd you have to go and scare me like that, Lu?".

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, but you need to come look at this!".

“Why?". Pete began to mop up his spilled beverage, still grumbling about the expense. "Has Jemaine finally started working on a sequel to What We Do in the Shadows?".

“Just get over here!".

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 27

So, apparently using the name “Marcus” is a classic AI tell. As an AI hater who’s used that name in a fic before, let me say this:

Pam from “The Office”: STOP USING MARCUS AS A CHARACTER'S NAME!

Michael Scott: YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO START USING IT EVEN HARDER.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 26

Me and my husband with the man, the myth, the legend. He was SO nice!

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 25

I’m the blue in this conversation, and y’know, my friend is absolutely right. It IS cool.

Me: Good morning!

Friend: Good morning! How are you? I am enjoying my coffee before I start my day.

Me: Drinking coffee too while I wrestle with my latest fic!

Friend: Oh, that's exciting! It must be so cool to write a story, even when you have tough days, you know something wonderful is around the corner!

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 24

For #TakeTwoTuesday, here’s an #OFMD fic that had its one year anniversary yesterday. “I’ll Make Your Heart Smile”, in which Izzy has a VERY embarrassing experience which in no way resembles something that happened to yours truly. Ahem. https://archiveofourown.org/works/66807298

9:37PM Tue Jun 23
- 80% G
Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationship:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
Stats:
archiveofourown.org
Teen And Up Audiences
Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
M/M
Our Flag Means Death (TV)
Israel Hands/Lucius Spriggs
Israel Hands, Lucius Spriggs, Evelyn Higgins (mentioned)
Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Medical Clinic,
Fluff, Romantic
Fluff, Silly, TW: brief mention of giving blood sample, TW: brief mention
of peeing, Age Difference, Izzy's in his mid-fifties,
Lucius is in his
thirties, Podfic Welcome
English
Published: 2025-06-22 Words: 4,189
Chapters: 1/1
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33 Bookmarks:
1 Hits: 191
I'll Make Your Heart Smile
Shalamarr
Summary:
"What the hell?".
To Izzy's horror, the bathroom door started to open. "No," he whispered in
disbelief. "No, no, no, this can't be happening!".
It was like something out of his worst nightmares. The ones in which a
monster was chasing him, but his feet were mired in cement and he couldn't
move. All he could do was remain frozen in place, powerless to prevent what
was about to happen. In his distress, he almost dropped the container. He
fumbled clumsily and managed to grab it just in time, but not before splashing
piss on his shoes.
"Fuck!".

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 23

And here’s the first chapter (a day late) of “Thirty-Six Hours”. Poor Stede has fallen into the hands of a psycho and is in dire straits, but I promise there’ll be a happy ending. https://archiveofourown.org/works/87141526

11:14 AM Tue Jun 23
= 80% O
archiveofourown.org
Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
Stats:
Mature
Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
M/M
Our Flag Means Death (TV)
Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet, Black Pete/Lucius Spriggs,
Oluwande Boodhari/Jim Jimenez, Archie/Oluwande Boodhari/Jim Jimenez
Stede Bonnet, Edward "Ned" Low, Blackbeard | Edward Teach, Black
Pete (Our Flag Means Death), Spanish Jackie (Our Flag Means Death),
Hellkat Maggie (Our Flag Means Death), Israel Hands, Crew of the
Revenge (Our Flag Means Death), Original Male Character(s), The Swede
(Our Flag Means Death)
Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ned Low is a Psycho, Stede Bonnet
Needs a Hug, Blackbeard | Edward Teach Needs a Hug, Pretty much
everyone needs a hug except Ned Low, Buried Alive, Alternate start to
Season Two, Podfic Welcome, Whump
English
Published: 2026-06-23 Updated: 2026-06-23 Words: 5,129
Chapters: 1/5 Hits: 0
Thirty-Six Hours
Shalamarr
Summary:
Stede tried to raise a hand so that he could rub his sore forehead, but
something was wrong. His hand refused to obey his command. He opened his
eyes, carefully so that he could avoid being attacked further by the
unforgiving sunlight, and ...
"What the hell?".
He was trussed up like a rotisserie chicken, lying in a pit several feet deep that
had been dug in the sand.
"Who did this??".
"That'd be me," a cheerful voice said from somewhere above. "Morning,
sleepyhead."
Consider this a re-imagining of Season Two. Not because I didn't enjoy the
Season Two we got! I adored it and always will, but I just wanted to tell a
different story. We'll have angst and danger and whump and the whole nine
yards, but in the end, true love will prevail. You have my word on that.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 16

I just had to buy that same shirt after @politestmenace.bsky.social wrote about it in one of her fics!

Me, wearing the tshirt with Captain Holt’s line from “Brooklyn 99”. “Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place".

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 11

We had a handyman visit today, and he admired this caricature of my husband and me from 1990. “That’s great! I love caricatures, too!”, he said. “I got AI to do one for my parents, and it did such a good job!”. I kept my smile with difficulty while thinking “An ACTUAL HUMAN ARTIST drew ours.”

Caricature of my husband and me. Check out those TEETH!

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 11

What do you mean, I have to wait until tomorrow to see Connor Storrie play a narcissist stalker ex-boyfriend on “Criminal Minds”? The U.S. folks got to see it today! This is bullshit! Guess I’ll console myself with this photo.

Photo from a GQ shoot showing Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams looking like they were caught in flagrante delicto.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 9

Bringing this magnificence back to the timeline because LOOK AT THEM.

A promo shot for #OFMD with Taika as Ed and Rhys as Stede.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 7

I said we needed this #OFMD fic, well, now we have one (although I decided not to have the map seller plan to murder Stede after all). Hope you enjoy! https://archiveofourown.org/works/86312506

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Categories:
Fandom:
Relationship:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
Stats:
Teen And Up Audiences
Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
F/F, F/M, M/M
Our Flag Means Death (TV)
Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet
Stede Bonnet, Lucius Spriggs, Crew of the Revenge (Our Flag Means
Death), Original Female Character - or is she?, Ed "Blackbeard" Teach
(mentioned)
Fluff,
Romantic Fluff, Stede Bonnet Needs a Hug, Episode: s01e07 This
is happening, Podfic Welcome
English
Published: 2026-06-07
Words: 5,796
Chapters: 1/1
Hits: 2
The Map Seller
Shalamarr
Summary:
We all know how the "This is Happening" episode began, right?
• Ed told Stede that he was thinking about leaving the Revenge.
• Stede was frantically trying to think of a way to stop him when Roach
interrupted to report that they'd run out of oranges. This was bad,
because they needed oranges on account of the Swede's teeth falling
out from scurvy.
• Stede set off with Lucius to get more oranges. Instead, he returned
with a treasure map that he'd bought from some woman.
This story is about that woman. Who is she? Just a random con artist? Or,
maybe, someone we happen to know pretty well?
Let's find out!

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 7

Bringing back one of my fics, which was inspired by this knife flip. We’ve got jealous Ed (my beloved), sheepish Stede, and a blacksmith who really should’ve known better than to get his flirt on with Ed’s husband. https://archiveofourown.org/works/60520201

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationship:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
Collections:
Stats:
Teen And Up Audiences
Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
M/M
Our Flag Means Death (TV)
Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet
Blackbeard | Edward Teach, Stede Bonnet, Original Male Character (s)
Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Romantic Fluff, Blackbeard | Edward Teach Loves
Stede Bonnet, Stede Bonnet Loves Blackbeard | Edward Teach, The
Innkeeper Era, Post-Canon, Jealous Blackbeard | Edward Teach, Podfic
Welcome
English
OFMD Fluffvember 2024
Published: 2024-11-12
Kudos: 87 Bookmarks: 9
Words: 3,325
Hits:
542
Chapters: 1/1 Comments:
• Busted
Shalamarr
Summary:
Ed felt a tiny bit bad for lying to Stede about the tea cannister being empty,
but he had to go into town right away for reasons he didn't intend to share
with his husband, and he'd needed an excuse.
He'd told Stede that he trusted him implicitly, and he'd meant it. After hearing
Stede's story, however, there was someone he didn't trust, and that someone
was about to get a visitor.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· Jun 4

My 7th (that’s the number of candles on the cake, I think) birthday party! That’s me with the glasses and the ker-azy 70s dress.

Photo of my 7th birthday party. Big ol’ pink cake!

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· May 31

This makes me so sad. I adored the first season of the “Mandalorian” TV series. Maybe we need this guy back?

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· May 28

And another photo.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· May 28

Vegan brookie! (Brownie base, cookie top.)

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· May 25

Amen. That’s why I have it on my laptop, courtesy of the @ourfamilyourfight.bsky.social auction. 😊 Plus a gorgeous sticker I bought from @self-induljennt.bsky.social!

Stickers on my laptop. One is art from the magnificent Jenn depicting Stede and Ed cuddling in bed, the other says “KINDNESS IS PUNK AS FUCK”.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· May 24

And don’t get me started on “peens”.

Crossword puzzle clue reads “metal beaters”. The answer is “peens”.

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· May 24

The #OFMD fandom has ruined me, because I no longer think “truck” when I read “semi”. 😏 As my husband says, “Your mind just goes to a dirty place.”

Crossword puzzle clue that reads “No place for a semi.”

ShalamarrAO3 - owner of ‘alf ze pyramid!@shalamarr· May 22

LOL. Tell me you didn’t actually read my fic without telling me you didn’t actually read my fic. Ed wasn’t jealous, for fuck’s sake, and he and Stede didn’t fight over wearing the sweater! (In case you’re wondering, yes, I did report their ass to AO3.)