Steven (with a PH)

@sjksalisbury

farce majeure

821 Folgt6.116 Follower1.793 Posts

Bluesky

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Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· 14d

Anyway, mother and childs are doing well

A pigeon in their nest, huddled over two downy baby pigeons. The babies are hideous. Honestly not sure why God thought to make baby birds out of leftover testicles.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· 18d

I am delighted to announce that for the very first time baby pigeons have hatched in the wild in the UK. and it happened right outside our bathroom window! Previously thought to be a myth, we now have conclusive proof that baby pigeons are real and do exist.

Two adult pigeons sitting in a nest in a tree outside my bathroom window. No biggy, everybody knows that adult pigeons are real and exist...

A picture of a nest in a leafy tree. The nest contains two baby pigeons! You thought they were a myth. You thought there was no such thing as a baby pigeons. Nobody has ever seen them before. Until now! The two pigeon parents sit on the periphery, tired, probably not aware of their significant contribution to our understanding of what pigeons are and where they come from.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· 21d

A viral Tweet from @primawesome that reads "My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he's just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying." but the text has been altered to read "My King told me monsters keep eating his loyal men so I asked how many men he has and he said he just goes to the ships and gets a new man afterwards so I said it sounds like he's just feeding loyal men to monsters and then Tom Holland started crying."

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· 26d

An image of an improbably haired man, contributing to a History Channel documentary about Alien Conspiracies. It used to be a popular meme, whereby he would, in the appearance of scientific rigour, appear to suggest that maybe not everything could be blamed on Aliens. Before somehow always pivoting and blaming Aliens. The usual bottom text of Aliens has been replaced with Alyons, for French pinning purposes associated with the original post.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Jul 4

It's fucking Winnie the fucking Pooh

What looks like another of my perfect angel baby bunnies just frolicking in the garden. Its back is to us, but if it would just turn around...

It's actually Winnie the fucking Pooh disguised as a perfect angel baby bunny.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Jul 2

Every morning I wake up determined to set my heart against the world and then I open my curtains and am greeted by these perfect little bastards and they ruin everything.

Two perfect bunnies, fallen from heaven, grazing among wildflowers outside my kitchen window.

One single perfect tiny baby bunny, bathing in the light of the sun and the comfort of God's favour, sitting among wildflowers.

One perfect tiny baby bunny, standing on its hind legs reaching up to a branch to nibble on some leaves high above it. This bunny refuses to know limits. Height nor distance nor time can save you from their wrath.

One perfect tiny baby bunny resting on the edge of an old well, to better survey its kingdom. The well wall crumbles beneath the awesome might of the tiny bunny.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· May 7

he can be three bunnies! he can conspire! You cannot even begin to fathom his power.

Three perfect angel tiny baby bunnies are clustered together in a circle on a lawn, their noses on the inside all touching and Thier cotton bunny bums pointing outward. They're having a cool kids meeting. You're not invited.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· May 2

YOU, AN IDIOT, A STUPID DUMB BABY: Cellar door is the most beautiful phrase in the English language SOME GUY WITH A PADLOCK:

A padlock attached to an iron fence in the way that people leave "love locks", on which is inscribed the phrase FAT WANKLIN ANUS. The deliberation of the act, of carving and placing this strange ode, seems at odds with the frivolity and crassness of its message. Scholars have yet to settle on the meaning, with theories ranging from it being the name of a punk band to it being some sort of horny prayer or mantra.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· May 2

There are few husbandly duties I take more seriously than getting up at dawn to go and look at the biggest wets I can find, before bringing breakfast and a few good pebbles back to my sleeping wife.

A wooden jetty extending into a lake. Across the shore is a ribbon of thick green woodland. In the distance hilly peaks reveal themselves in the cold grey dawn light.

A lake at dawn. The lighting is grey. There are craggy peaks hiding among the fog in the distance, while in the foreground a shoreline of pebbles is preventing the photographer from having wet feet.

More hills and rocks and wets and greens. The foreground has two small mounds of rocks, assembled to look like little pebbly stone people one assumes, looking out over the lake.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· May 1

[housekeeper doing just the biggest sigh while they take the shovel off their cleaning trolley]

A picture of a door sign for housekeeping. The sign reads "Please do not clean my room. Plant a tree instead."

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Apr 28

He's back and he can do this now. He can do anything.

A perfect angel baby bunny standing on his hind legs in the shrubbery at the bottom of my garden. He is beautiful. He could build an empire. He could have you killed. There is nothing you can do to stop him.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Apr 26

LOOK AT HIM! DON'T LOOK AT HIM HE'S MINE

a perfect angel bunny, doing perfect bunny shit.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Mar 13

Same vet, by the way. Next time he has to stitch up a monster he's definitely going to take a hit out on me.

Screenshot of former posts where I have had difficult encounters with our vet. The first post reads:

"Today the vet mentioned he was having lunch once our appointment was done and I asked if he was having wet food or biscuits and I could tell it took every ounce of his restraint not to put me down"

The second post reads:

"(this was our 4th time meeting and he is so openly unimpressed by me. Has a palpable contempt for my very existence. Usually I have to date someone for months before I inspire such hostility)"

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Mar 1

oh yeah, well could a computer produce this?

Don Draper standing in front of the Mad Men ad pitch board. The board has been cleverly manipulated to read "Busty John Slattery"

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Feb 20

Starting to worry that I might have wasted my three wishes

A search for @SJKSalisbury posts about monkeys returns three results:

The first reads:

I wish that my monkey knew sign language [several fingers on the monkey's paw curl]

The second reads:

The third finger of the monkey's paw curls. For a moment you think me a fool that has wasted his wishes but by the time you realise it's too late. I am running toward you, my hand clutching my only real wish: Monkey Fist.

And the third reads:

[a third finger on the Monkey's Paw curls up] ah, just as we feared. the Monkey is now flipping us off

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Jan 19

When you click checkout as guest and then give them your name, address, and bank details.

A picture of a teenage mutant turtle attempting to disguise itself by wearing a trenchcoat and fedora, presumably to allow it to remain anonymous. Its efforts are largely unsuccessful. A billboard for the movie Critters is in the background. You should watch Critters. It's a blast.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Dec 30

Am I a joke to you?

A screenshot of the above post, which has been saved twice, presumably by my enemies and rivals for nefarious purposes.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Dec 25

Spent the day with my wife and cats, eating surf and turf and drinking tequila. I may not be the son of God, but I am clearly his favourite. Merry Happy to all.

A beautiful wife and her pet cat take an early morning walk on an empty country lane.

A collage of two cats. The first cat, a ragdoll, is sat on a table and staring into your soul. It knows what you've done. The second cat, a grey tabby, sits among discarded wrapping paper. It knows nothing.

Our non-traditional Christmas dinner: a surf and turf consisting of one steak sandwich and one lobster roll. These are our favourite foods. Sometimes I think about committing terrible crimes just so I might possibly be able to request this as a last meal.

A bespectacled man with a mustache that I have begrudgingly come to accept is me. My hand is raised in a fist with my thumb extended, in a move which I am tentatively calling "the thumbs up"

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Dec 19

A screenshot of some text that reads: Best time of the year for people to accidentally out themselves as secretly very posh. People will just casually say "For me, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without..." and then say the most British combination of words you've ever heard. "The Bishops Fancy" "Lark and Twiller" "Upright and Shortly More..." Are these desserts? Racehorses? Medieval torture devices?

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Dec 17

That's my favourite services! I even have a painting of it in my hallway.

A painting of the Forton Services tower that almost but not quite manages to capture the splendour of seeing it when travelling on the M6.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Dec 5

Here's a lovely one of me enjoying a walk in the woods.

An out of focus man (or maybe a Bigfoot) walking away from the camera on a road through a wooded area.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Nov 17

Incredible things are happening on French Bluesky

A post by user @funeralpig that reads "just invented a type of pain that never ends" sits directly above a post by user @donni that reads "Lying in bed thinking about a new and more powerful form of sandwich"

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Nov 14

Oopsie, when you posted this you must have accidentally cropped the artist's name off! Don't worry though, I've got your back. It's happymishkas, aka Forest Rowell.

The same Swedish Chef / Borg illustration, but with the watermark of the actual artist happymishkas aka Forest Rowell not deliberately removed, so it can be rightfully credited to the actual creator.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Oct 20

Of all the people that could get upset about deliberate deception...

Text taken from the Wikipedia page for The Magic Circle that reads: The club admitted only men until 1991, when more than 75% of members voted to admit women. But the club's first woman member, Sophie Lloyd, had already joined surreptitiously 18 months earlier, disguising herself as a man with the help of fellow magician Jenny Winstanley, and using the name Raymond Lloyd. When she revealed her gender after women were officially allowed to join, the Magic Circle's members voted to expel her for "deliberate deception".

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Oct 19

Made a blue-cheese burnt basque cheesecake. My wife's next husband needs to up his game. I'm making him look a fool right now.

A home-made blue cheese burnt basque cheesecake, sliced in two to reveal perfect, silken, custardy innards. What the picture fails to capture is my smugness, but rest assured, I am feeling very fucking smug.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Sep 30

Absolutely loved One Battle After Another, however...

The "writers barely-disguised fetish" meme from Police Squad, with the text amended to read tonight's first 20 minutes or so... Because honestly Paul Thomas Anderson, c'mon man. like, good for you. but what the hell.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Aug 22

£60! Sixty actual English Pounds. It's basically a steak bake with nice cheekbones. For sixty pounds I would expect Nigella Lawson to chew this up and spit it directly into my mouth. £60!! Game's gone.

A frozen beef wellington, serves 4, for sixty fucking pounds. £60! Absolute state of it. Outrageous. Glad my nan isn't alive to see this.

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Aug 20

Happy new episode of Alien: North Dakota day to mostly me but also anyone else who celebrates, I suppose.

An image of Kirsh from Alien Earth, standing behind a strange lifeform that is suspended in a vat of mystery generic sci-fi goo. A quote from Fargo (TV show) reads "Highly irregular is the time I found a human foot in a toaster over. This is just off."

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Aug 14

Fine. If I want a golden age I'll make one myself.

An image of a xenomorph egg, taken from Alien Earth. A quote from Fargo (TV show) reads "A chicken is an egg's way of making another egg"

Steven (with a PH)@sjksalisbury· Aug 14

In the golden age of the internet there would already be 100 Tumblr accounts dedicated to putting quotes from Fargo onto images from Alien Earth.