Stella Duffy
@stellduffy
Pākehā Londoner; Dr (not the medical kind), existential psychotherapist, supervisor, doctoral research in postmenopause; writer of 17 novels/70+ stories/15 plays, yoga for writing workshops; 2 x breast cancer; knee, hip, & some brain mended with metal
Berlin Pride. THAT’s why Pride matters. That’s why we ‘go on about being gay’ all the time. That’s why we’ll keep talking about it. It’s not fixed yet.
COVER!!! 8 years in the making - 5 of the doctorate & thesis in the embodied experience of #postmenopause and another 2 years rewriting to make it accessible, non-academic, developing the writing & creative exercises in the book, and LOTS of editing. Out with @viragopress 4 Feb 2027.
30 days of #Pride. Day 30. My wife and I rarely kiss in public. After 36 years together, our early unsafety remains AND those before us made change that helped us anyway. I am excited for the hope the new lot of LGBTQIA+ folk will create. And I remember our forebears. Without them, we are not.
30 days of #Pride. Day 28. Gym, swim, gardening, freelancing admin & attempting marmalade with the tiny bitter oranges from our little back garden. Days off count too.
30 days of #Pride. Day 27 Being in any or every way gay or queer or gender-expansive is not a choice. It’s embodied, emplaced and temporal. It’s an honesty to life. For some of us it’s everything, for others of us it’s some of everything. All good. The rainbow has many more colours than 7.
30 days of #Pride. Day 26 Pride started with a riot. It did not start with acquiescence. It did not start with hiding. It did not start with complacency. Pride was - and is - the fight back. And it was always #LGBwiththeT
30 days of #Pride. Day 25 “When will we get straight pride month?” When straight people need to check state/national laws to be sure they’re safe to visit somewhere.
30 days of #Pride. Day 23 23 years today without this one. What she said when I came out in my late teens: “I saw a lot of it in the army” & “You’ll get a lot more companionship from a woman than from a man.” Supportive of and for me in every facet of my life. Be more Peg.
30 days of #Pride. Day 23. Same/different: we are and we’re not “just like anyone else”. No one who has to worry about the reaction to them holding their lover’s hand in public is just like anyone else. Some of us have thinner skin through hard-won experience. Go gently.
30 days of #Pride. Day 22 I’m sure your LGBTQIA+ cousin, daughter, brother, mother, workmate, etc is lovely, but that doesn’t mean we’ll get on. I don’t see straight people being told, “You’ll LOVE my straight aunty!” We’re as different as my lovely flowers.
30 days of #Pride. Day 20 There are no out football players playing in the Men’s World Cup. 48 teams. 1248 players. Yet it seems football doesn’t feel safe enough for any of the men to be out?
30 days of #Pride. Day 19 In London watching Jools Topp’s life celebration and SO grateful for the political, passionate, decades-long lesbian heroes the Topps, who made such a difference to newly sexuality-aware me and so many of my generation. Ngā mihi, Dame Jools. Moe mai rā.
30 days of #Pride. Day 18 Next time you are tempted to ask someone how/when they knew they were LGBTQIA+, maybe ask yourself “How do I know I am hetero/f/m/etc?” Same same.
30 days of #Pride. Day 17 Useful ‘new’ terms I’ve learned from young(er) friends, clients, students, & my socials over the past couple of decades. asexual, pansexual, aromantic, demisexual, demiromantic, sapphic (not new! shifting usage), and yes, cis. Love a new way of describing experience.
30 days of #Pride. Day 16 Some people know they’re gay right from the start. Some find it in their teens. Some people realise it after successful or unsuccessful hetero relationships. Some people find it in middle age. Some people find it in old age. ALL GOOD
30 days of #Pride. Day 15. Being out every day is tiring. the hotel receptionist asking you & partner if you prefer a twin room, the nurse seeing your ‘friend’ who visits a lot, taxi driver asking if you’re sisters. Every time we have to check if it feels safe to say the truth. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
30 days of #Pride day 13 Love is love” isn’t the flex people think it is. Nor is “accepting”. Do you say it “love is love” about straight relationships? Do you say “I accept her” about your daughter coming out as hetero? No? Then don’t say it about us queers. Tolerance is very close to intolerance.
30 things about #Pride. Day 11. Sometimes people will be awful when you come out. Sometimes you’ll need to cut them out of your life for your own sanity. And sometimes you’ll just need to give them time. Sometimes it’s worth the wait, sometimes not. You get to decide either way.
30 things about #Pride. Day 10. I grew up with no lesbian role models. LaterI discovered they were there, living as safely as possible in difficult times (1960s/70s). Many weren’t out because they knew they’d lose their kids, their jobs, or some, their lives. Not all pioneers carry flags.
30 things for #Pride day 9 There have ALWAYS been queer &/or gender-expansive people, in every culture, in every time. We’re not new. We’re ancient. And we’re not going away. 🌈
30 things for #Pride. Day 8 Yesterday was ‘cancer survivors day’ (USA mainly). So here’s a reminder that: a) queers get cancer too & b) it’s not ‘lucky’ to survive cancer. It costs a great deal physically & emotionally. It’s lucky never to have it.
30 things for #Pride. Day 7 My parents were great when I came out. Born in 1921, both grew up working class & poor, awful times in WW2, & knew there were worse things than having a gay kid. Don’t assume your nana won’t understand. Maybe, like my Mum, she’ll just say, “I saw a lot of it in the army.”
30 things for #Pride Day 6 My lesbianism has always been trans-inclusive, as have so many of ours. Please don’t assume otherwise just because of our age. Also, Marvel.
30 things for #Pride day 5 Therapists, stop pathologising queerness – maybe your client struggled coming out, maybe they didn’t. Yes, psychotherapy & psychology took decades to catch up, that doesn’t mean all of our experiences were always terrible. Let your client tell you how it was, don’t assume.
30 days of #Pride. Day 4 LGBTQIA+ parents exist, and so do LGBTQIA+ people (like me) who are childless-not-by-choice. Many of us were assured by society we could never be parents, some had children taken away. For some of us the changes came too late. And btw, it’s still not easy for queer parents.
#Pride month. 30 things. Day 3. Bisexual and pansexual people exist, we could all do better to make space for them, including the ‘invisible’ ones.